Mastication (of gum)

is the tooth hygiene version of the French Shower.

Good Shabbas Video

This has been passing for a few weeks now, but even though it’s late, I just can’t get enough of it.

http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

 

SHUT UP WOMAN GET ON MY HORSE!

Mingling Codes

We advertising people sustain an interesting combination of having an immense ego, alongside the self-esteem of a head to toe pimpled 13-year-old girl. That’s why no other industry (Entertainment aside) celebrates itself more proudly and often than ours. Award shows, publications, interviews. If there’s a way to prove that we’re the coolest, smartest, have the best motherfucking jobs, prettiest people the world has ever encountered – we’ll be there.

Last night I attended a Networking event. The nice people of Adobe hosted a bunch of pompous ‘creatives’ and other ad characters. They fed us really well, gave us lots of free booze and even a fancy nametag. Some random dude spoke about the marketing of tomorrow and how the Internet Is amazing and Twitter will change the world and so on and so forth. So I sat there. And listened. God. This is so ridiculous it’s not even funny. It never ceases to amaze me how my industry honestly believes it’s doing sacred work, acting like we saves lives, believe it or not.

But back to my point, after the speakers called a halt the entire room dove deep into the fake and narcissistic world of networking. Now I unassumingly believe I can be very charming at times. I’m fairy nice to look at and can bullshit with confidence about an array of matters. Yet, I’d probably prefer being gang raped in my ear by a herd of silverback raccoons than mingle my way through two and a half hours.

What is it with you Americans that love these atrociousness chitchats so much?

Of course, no networking event can be successful without the gracious help of some key characters, and being that I’m all about serving the public, I’ve narrowed them down to a science:

1. The woman that drinks like she never met free white wine before.

2. The gay man, causing a qualm whether flirting with him in your career’s name makes you a certified whore.

3. The woman in Über high heels that draws despondency rather than attention.

4 The guy that doesn’t know a soul in the building and pretends he’s extremely interested in evaluating the typography of his beer bottle for an hour (that’ll be me).

5. The guy that doesn’t know a soul in the building yet speaks to everyone, spreading awkwardness as he gazes for his next victim.

6. The woman that didn’t come here to find a date but if it happens it must be destiny.

7. The guy who came to get laid.

8. The event’s host, relentlessly speaking to e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e without purpose.

9. The catering staff that came for the tips but has to suffer pointless conversations with characters 4 & 5.

10. The guard that simply wants all you assholes to go home already and get a fucking life.

The Best Part Of a Hangover

Is the guilt free meal.

Good Shabbas Video

A new tradition emerges here on the Stache’s lair: Good Shabbas Video.

This week, we’ll learn how one wrong move can make people laugh at you for a lifetime.

Halloween Sayings

I always hear guys say “Women dress like sluts in Halloween because that’s how they want to dress daily in their heart of hearts.”

So based on that, do all men secretly aspire to be Cross-dressers?

Pooch Went Through Castration Yesterday.

Will I ever be able to look him in the eyes?

 

 

 

I had to trim your testicles

Doesn’t mean that I don’t care

I love you just as much

I know your manhood is like air

 

Mango had balls

But not anymore

Not anymore

Society won the battle

Mango will win the war

 

Mango you’re my pooch

A friend, an ally and a beast

Don’t take this personally

We promised the rescue

And your humping had to cease

 

Mango had balls

But not anymore

Not anymore

Society won the battle

 

You will never be a father

Not a husband probably

As well

But some bitches are smarter

Will love your impotency

Just the same

 

Mango had balls

But not anymore

Not anymore

 

Now you feel confused

I wanna sympathize

As much as I can

I will try and be supportive

To your penis I’m a fan

 

Mango had balls

But not anymore

 

Painkillers are addictive

So we need to take it slow

Pooping will feel difficult

But that’s just how life goes.

 

Mango had balls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Music is Love. Faith is Love.

Christian rock entices me. I’d like to electronically bow in front of the luminous whiz kid who came up with this idea. I bet you’re all speculating what were the chronicles that brought upon this fabulous phenomenon. The truth is I don’t know for sure. But if I had to guess…

I imagine a late Monday night emergency meeting in the basement of some small town church. The reverend, still exhausted from a full week of molesting the entire 8^th grade gospel choir, shakes his head in disbelief after another low attendance Sunday Mass and says aloud in front of the bearded nuns and a few key members of the community:

“Oh Lord thy great who is wise and more alluring than a free-of-charge pedophilia website: how can I bring Jesus into the heart of my community?”

The lord, of course, didn’t answer. But Mrs. Archer, a concerned mother of Irish descent took her turn in speaking, ending the uncomfortable silence and replying to the holy man by saying: “Listen you piece of shit pervert. My 7 year old told me you fondled him in the chancel three days ago.”

“He enjoyed it and was fully engaged!” said the priest. “He should be grateful for my semen.”

Okay sorry people. I guess this post has taken a few wrong turns and I’m losing it a tad. Let me go back to my main point – Christian rock. It’s awesome. Here’s one of my favorite songs. I got it on iTunes. Love it. Now I’d like to dissect it as if I’m back in High-School because I loved doing that. My comments are in bold.

“Awake”

As time went on

I opened up my eyes

Never really knew me

You don’t know what’s deep inside – This is a nice start. Can still end up being a normal song. Somewhat deep, I can feel an epiphany approaching.

Just so you know I’ll never be like you– Wow. Why the hostility all of a sudden?

I’ll take what God has made me – Why don’t you take it. And shove it. Up your ass.

I’m not an empty shell – You’re a shell full of shit.

And I hope they see

Instead of following – You know that praying and church et al. is basically “following”? I mean all things aside, ‘Christianity’ isn’t really synonymous with ‘Precede’.

Finally awake – Morning.

I’m feel alive today – Cause you drank wine and was told it’s blood. P.S. you have grammar mistakes. Even I can tell.

I feel everything – Feel that..? no? how bout now? no? oh well.

It’s all so clear to me – As predicted, the epiphany arrives in serendipitous fashion.

How many times

Have I hated who I was – nuff’ with the hate already.

Lost sight of what defines me

‘cause of airbrush magazines – Yes! How many times indeed? I ask myself that often.

But now I’ve come

To cherish who I am

Sick and tired of faking

A life that wasn’t mine – Where have I heard this before? Oh right, The Anna Nicole Smith Show.

Finally awake

I’m feel alive today

I feel everything

It’s all so clear to me – Fucking a man. Good for you.

I’m alive

It’s all so clear to me

I’m alive

It’s all so clear to me – okay we get it. You don’t need to repeat every sentence.

And I hope they see – Are you just hoping or are you praying as well?

I feel everything – Great motherfucking ending line. Powerful shit man.

Don’t You Just Hate it When

you’re facebook stalking someone and he / she can’t even adjust their photos to be vertical?

Lo And Behold- Winter

Losing an umbrella during a rainstorm is like losing food in the holocaust.