Life, America, Randomness

Archive for March 2009

How iPhones Are Killing Our World

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The world has recently been blessed by the appearance of iPhones and their equivalents. Indeed, a great step for Man, and another proof that the Asians and their technology have won, again.

In flat advertising/marketing terms, iPhone’s ad campaign is considered really good. It shows nothing but the product and its benefits throughout the ad, it’s fun, easy and relatable. My favorite ad is the one where the narrator asks the viewers “what if you needed so and so…?” and then answers “There’s an app (application) for that.” Their tagline is “Solving life’s dilemmas, one app at a time”, which I find to be a great line from iPhone’s perspective. But what is wrong about these shenanigans is that instead of marching mankind forward, this technology is doing the opposite.

If you ask me what are life’s dilemmas, I’ll ask in return what in this world determines what happens after you die? Or how do I know if I’ve found ‘The One’? Should I move closer to my parents when they’re old or put them in a senior citizen’s home? Should I hug my baby when he cries or toughen him up by ignoring? Is it moral to tell on a friend when you know he’s cheating? Should we negotiate with terrorists in order to bring home captured soldiers? Is it okay to commit acts of violence in the name of JC or Muhammad or Moses? how come there aren’t any apps for these dilemmas?

Knowing my friend’s twitter status at any given moment isn’t really a part of (my) life’s dilemmas. And as for finding if a certain restaurant is open tonight for dinner, that’s not really a substantial issue either. I’m not saying technology isn’t glorious, I’m saying that it’s startling to see a product celebrating the fact that it will relieve you of thinking for yourself. Reminds me of when Pizza Hut celebrated the fact that their “Pizzone” has a pound of cheese in it. ONE FULL POUND OF CHEESE. And that’s a selling point – that’s the thing that will make you want to buy it and eat it. And it did. But I digress.

Pretty soon, iPhones will engage in automatic conversations with our acquaintances, giving us more time to play blackjack online and be happy with how connected we are with all of our friends (“look, I even found my high-school band on facebook!!”). Today’s kids are already way more comfortable having connections and interactions online than doing it face to face. Is it our future to be a society where human touch is nothing but an archaic concept? Is human touch doomed to end up like payphones?


Written by Frankelstache

March 25, 2009 at 11:28 am

America’s Backbone

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Aside from Baseball and steroids, no connection in America is deeper than the one between Americans and the institution that provided them with their post high-school education. In the spirit of March Madness, I thought it’ll be wise to stop and talk about ‘College’ and its significance in American society.

Every nation needs a backbone. Something that will connect EVERYONE, an experience that one way or another had affected all during his or her lifetime. In Israel, for example, it’s the IDF. Mandatory service laws dictate that every 18-year-old Israeli boy or girl has to serve three and two years (respectively) in the national Army. Put the war issues aside, this is a great bonding experience, a true melting pot for society. It’s something every citizen can relate to, a place where everyone meet and are forced to live together and persevere. America doesn’t really have a melting pot, but College is definitely the closest one. In 2004, 52% of Americans attended college. That’s huge. But that’s barely half the country, not to mention I’m way too lazy to break the 52% into socio-economic backgrounds to get a clearer picture (I tried reading the census and failed due to severe boredom).

The reason that this occupies me is that I always felt that if it weren’t for ‘The Arabs’ who are inescapably trying to kill them, Israelis would hate each other to the point of a civil war. But lucky (or not so lucky) for Israel, the fact that the Arabs are trying to annihilate them from the face of this planet unites them. This is obviously not the best of situations, but the result, I believe, is that no other people in the world care for their fellow citizens like Israelis do. Now answer this – does anyone in Santa Monica cares for anyone in Detroit? Better yet, does anyone in Santa Monica cares for anyone in the San Fernando Valley?

How much of this dog eat dog world has to do with the capitalistic nature of Uncle Sam? Is there a fault or blame here? And who cares if there isn’t really a connection? America has done fairly well without it, so does a country even need to have a correlation between its people? And how come people get along here but can’t stop fighting elsewhere? Is it because of Woodstock? Burning Man?

It’s a tad weird to live in a place where the people are so different from each other, so disjointed and far away. I guess America is like a Paralympic Athlete: not all body parts are connected, but they somehow pull it together enough to be champions. Odd metaphor, I know. Now, if in fact ‘College’ is America’s melting pot, and if in fact we’ve established there’s some sort of Paralympics-ness involved here – isn’t it suitable that the man who represents ‘College’ (and as such, connects America) during this fine month of March is Richard ‘Dick’ Vital?

Written by Frankelstache

March 23, 2009 at 8:22 am

Things That Are Bound To Happen

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“The only certainty in life is death”, goes the cliché’. I really hate cliché’s.
I can see and understand society’s need for cliché’s, but me being insecure in my originality and individuality (the result of growing up in a commune) makes me vigorously and automatically oppose anything that’s structured and predestined. Lucky enough, back at the day Al Gore helped creating this little thing called the World Wide Web, and here we are today inside this spectacular blog platform.

It brings me great joy when I am able to refute a preexistent perception, and therefore I would like to tackle the cliché’ positioned at the top of today’s post. I might have to use other truisms in order to negate it, but nobody said that’s not allowed.

Certainty 1: The husband will always screw the babysitter.
From Jane Eyre to David Beckham, bringing a younger woman to take care of your toddlers is like going to the Cheesecake factory while on a diet. If I were a mom, I would rather let Theodore Kaczynski take care of my kids than welcoming a youthful chick into my abode. Granted, men are horrible, but even my inner-woman* knows that the only thing lamer than a slimy man is that slut who was easily manipulated to join him in the bedroom. Wives, don’t act surprised if one day it’ll happen to you, too. If you must get a nanny, make sure she’s a survivor of either Chernobyl or Hiroshima. That way she’ll be so old and damaged even Bill Clinton wouldn’t wanna do her.

Certainty 2: Asian people will always travel in packs.
Whether it’s when they’re touring a new city, dancing in a club, walking to the restroom, shopping, or their absolute favorite: standing in a random line – those little cats are always in a group. One of my good friends suggested that’s it’s because they are both small and shy, so they work better as a group. Makes sense to me, but even so, it kinda bugs me that I always encounter them on a mass scale. It’ll be nice to meet just one of them every now or then, or at least see one mingles in a more diverse assemblage. Good news is that Asian women do a good job fueling many orgy fantasies, I’ll give em that.

Certainty 3: Kids will tell jokes you will never understand.
This has recently been validated inside my head in the daycare I volunteer at. You know, I’ve met my share of not so hilarious adults, but kids are something else. They have the worst sense of humor ever. They’re jokes aren’t even jokes. It’s usually a dumb question like ‘what did the cow told the chicken?” and the answer/punch line is usually something like “Your feathers smell”. At first I thought it was only me who isn’t getting it, but throughout the years I’ve learned that it’s actually those kids who don’t.

Certainty 4: People with an accent will always appear dumber.
This is a cross-cultural, intercontinental and multilingual certainty. Hear a girl speak Spanish with an American accent and you’ll automatically assume you can convince her you’re worth a lay. Hear a guy speak English with a Southern accent and you’ll instantly be willing to bet your savings you’ll defeat him hands down in a trivia challenge. This certainty, however, does not include people with a British accent cause for some reason that makes people sound smarter. Which is peculiar, to say the least, cause most Brits are drunks who never left their hometown, or just condescending snobs who feel superior cause they have a Queen. God and tourists know why the F I should care about their queen, but oh well.
Certainty 5: Jesus will never return.
Get over it. It’s time you accept it.

Certainty 6: In every album, Beyoncé will have a mega feminist song.

Since her early days in the amazing trio Destiny’s Child, Beyoncé is a bigger believer in women power than Rosie O’Donnell. “You thought that I’d be weak without ya, But I’m stronger. You thought that I’d be broke without ya, But I’m richer.” “All the women who are independent, Throw your hands up at me.” “I can have another you by tomorrow. So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.” And my absolute favorite: “I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips. Acting up, drink my cup, I could care less what you think. All the single ladies, all the single ladies – now get your hands up! Ho, Ho, Ho!!!
Death? clearly not the only thing we can count on.

* I’d like to think she had a rough childhood and her name is L’atisha.

Written by Frankelstache

March 20, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Old School and Social Commentary

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It had occurred to me that the classic motion picture ‘Old School’ has a lot more into it. To the untrained eye, this picture is simply (yet another) college movie about three 30+ old friends who start a fraternity and revamp their lethargic community.

But I can’t stop wondering about the subliminal messages and nuances within this fine Hollywood magnum opus. Here’s a brief intro for those of you who sinfully didn’t watch the movie:
Mitch is a 30+ male working the mundane 9-5. One day he returns home early from a doll conference and learns that his GF Heidy enjoys being gang-banged on a weekly basis. This obviously devastates Mitch, who leaves her behind and rents a house on its own, hoping for a fresh clean start.

We soon realize that Mitch has two very close friends that I’d like to outline today. Frank ’The Tank’ and Bernard ‘Binny’.

Frank The Tank, on the surface, is a man-child with a slight problem of alcoholism. However, deeming his character and its meaning as such will be an error of judgment. Frank The Tank is the embodiment of the American male and his inability to grow up post his college years. Frank’s starting point in the movie is his own wedding, and although claiming he’s ‘ready for the next step‘ Frank obviously struggles with the meanings of stepping into wedlock. Beyond just having to sexually commit to one woman for the rest of his life, Frank is terrified of growing up. He doesn’t want to see himself as an adult, and the famous “I promise my wife I won’t drink tonight cause we have a big day tomorrow…. pretty nice little Saturday; we’re going to Home Depot…Maybe Bed Bath and Beyond – I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time” scene illustrates Frank’s fear perfectly. This apparently is every guy’s worst nightmare: imagining that picking flooring for your bathtub is your week’s highlight. Following the reaction of the college dudes he’s talking to, Frank steps forward and jugs down a beer bong. Which got me thinking that there’s no denying it – being a college party animal is the American Male’s happy place. His safe zone. A place where it’s okay for him to be all those things that are taboos in America’s adult society: drunk, violent, rude, harassing, carefree, childlike, and most importantly, someone who’s allowed to make mistakes.

Mitch’s second friend, Bernard, is a whole new story. Although also terrified of growing up, Binny represents what happens to the American male as he achieves The American Dream. Binny has a hot wife (that chick from King of Queens – not that I ever watched that show), two (maybe three) children and an uber thriving and lucrative business. He had achieved, on the surface, the kind of materialistic and emotional success most of us only dream of. Bernard is nevertheless not happy because something is missing in his life, and he blames adulthood (via his wife) for the anger he has towards the world. Having reached the point in life he was told will make him content, not experiencing such feelings finds Bernard completely lost. However Binny knows and accepts he’s an adult, and usually behaves appropriately. He uncompromisingly prevents people from cursing in front of his son and chooses not to cheat on his wife when an opportunity presents itself. He also, in classic adult behavior, uses Mitch’s situation (living alone and supposedly having no worries or commitments) to live the way he wants to live – but is presumably too much of an adult to do so. And whereas this might not be something to be proud of, in my eyes, there’s no difference between Binny’s handling of Mitch to every other father who forces his son into Baseball practice, or every other mother who shoves her daughter into a beauty pageant uniform. They’re all just using others in an attempt to fulfill the same dreams they were too afraid / incapable of achieving on their own. See when we’re in our late teens-early twenties, we chase our dreams ourselves. But when we’re adults, we use and rely on others to live our dreams.

Watching Old School begs the question: Does being an adult sucks that bad? Is our life really over once we pass the age of 22? And if this is a cult movie, is anyone surprised there are so many adult males who have issues with commitments?

Written by Frankelstache

March 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Sex on HBO

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I’m watching an HBO sex Docudrama. You know, one of these late night specials where they track flotsam and jetsam at a semi-deserted Nevada whore house. It feels like I’ve seen this same Docudrama a hundred times before. Yet, with every rerun I still watch vigilantly in hope for an erection, one that never comes (oh, the pun).

Instead, I find myself sitting in awe as these independent women of ‘The Cathouse’ talk to the camera in a language less cohesive than my friend’s 4 month old fetus. And the thing that kills me the most is the poor dude that keenly appears as co-star in this gripping tragedy. You’d think that a man desperate enough to pay for sex will wanna keep it a secret. Or at least hide his face somehow. Wear sunglasses, a fake beard – anything. But no. This guy is as honest about paying for his sexual encounters as Rush Limbaugh is honest in his belief in white supremacy.

I ought to wonder where’s the confidentiality? Where’s the self-awareness? I mean hookers? What happened to having your ass hole licked by your wife a totally sufficient guilty pleasure? Who pushed the envelope* to this extreme?

Back to HBO, the whore house owner just said: “I don’t sleep with civilian chicks. I don’t wanna sleep with amateurs. These girls are professionals and they’ll do things that civilians will never do.” Awesome.

* Great opportunity for me to link to this

Written by Frankelstache

March 14, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Posted in Life, Randomness, SEX

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A Few of Our Favorite Things

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The Alabama shooting made me think a little. It’s so painful and infuriating. I come from a realm of violence and unfortunately have been accustomed to live alongside random acts of murderous brutality. I guess that’s why I treat it with humor. It’s amazing what you can get used to.

It seems like if I had to rate the things Americans love the most, the list will be something like this (random order):

1.    Jesus
2.    Baseball
3.    MacDonald’s
4.    Thank You Notes
5.    Self-medicating
6.    Shooting Innocent People

Let’s take a closer look.

Jesus Christ – Jesus was born a Jew. Among his various accomplishments, JC walked on water and created this little thing called Christianity, which is why Americans love him. They thank him all the freaking time and often do things in his name or his behalf. JC loves me. I know because the bum outside the subway station told me so. I also know that Jesus would’ve fixed many things, but most likely, he would’ve preferred 34DD blonds named after him instead of all these little Mexicans.

Baseball – Americans love baseball because anyone can play. It doesn’t require speed, height or any other athletic criteria. All you gotta do is chew tobacco and make semi-inappropriate hand gestures. Baseball is a game of numbers, which is great for Americans cause it gives them a sense of control. Moreover, since most American men are underdeveloped, baseball is perfect for their ‘Fantasy Leagues‘, a subject worthy of its own post.

Micky D’s – How could people love something that’s so bad for them? The guy from ‘Supersize Me’ claims that it’s mostly due to MD’s marketing. His theory is that MD brings back good memories for Americans, to times when they were happy and joyful with their families. That MacDonald’s is America’s ‘happy place’. You know I thought about it: It’s cheap, calorific, doesn’t taste good and can also cause a heart attack. Which are also the characterizations of an old stripper. At least MD won’t give you a yeast infection.

Thank You NotesThis is where my narcissistic ass links to my own old posts.

Self-medicating – America is very accepting. Everyone has a place and everyone has rights (excluding the gays). In order to make people feel better about life, Americans had mastered the art of coming up with weird diseases and physical definitions, making it okay for you to be who you are, providing you consume the appropriate types of drugs. HIV and other real diseases aside, there is a cure for everything in America, whether you pee five times an hour, lacking on B12 vitamin or plain autistic. Along came Self-medicating, and now we can all live in harmony.

Shooting Innocent People – I don’t know why this is so common in America. These days, in almost every country in the world, innocent people die because of fundamentalist terrorists, so you’d think that these indiscriminating fanatics would leave us alone and just shoot themselves to begin with.
Is it better to die by the hands of a terrorist, who’s at least someone else’s freedom fighter, than by the hands of a random maniac? I don’t know. And I don’t think anyone in Illinois, Columbine, Virginia or Alabama (from the top of my head) cares. It’s all the same shit. Sometimes, this world really sucks.

Update: Just read there was a random shooting in Germany as well.

Written by Frankelstache

March 11, 2009 at 8:42 am

A Day At The Mall

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The woman I love sent me on an errand to fix the squeaking noise in her red automobile. Predictably, the guys in the garage found no squeaking noise, but were nonetheless happy to inform me that a full set of new tires is required. So there you have it: you go to the garage with problem X, and find solution to problem Y. Can’t believe I fell for a trick older than Sophia Lauren.

Refusing to be affected by this unexpected $505 garage visit, I dragged my ass to the nearest shopping Mall for some free people-watching. Ahhhh…. The Mall. Such a lovely blend of homeless men, senior citizens in sweatpants, white trash hoe’s and 20-something year old Latinos dressed in baggy pants and  XXX Large wife beaters. Also in the Mall, you will surely encounter a never-ending scent of baked Choros, loud teenagers and security guards riding Segways.

Entering the Mall, I immediately walk toward the restroom in order to mark my territory and loosen up the leftovers from last night’s dinner. 4 pages into my book, approximately 2 pounds lighter and 8 toilet paper sheets later, I exit the restroom and start wandering around the vicinity. I scope the brands and franchisees, only to stop in bewilderment as I witness a store whose sole purpose appears to be selling people on the idea of joining the Army. Oh man, that’s even weirder than the time I had to witness my mom lifting the woman I love at the gym. I heard about impulse shopping, and sure, I’ve practiced my share of idiotic purchases right near the register. But even if you combine all the beef jerky I bought just because it was placed strategically, all the trashy tabloids and all the Aids cookies* I bought on a whim, altogether is not as stupid as walking into the Mall in search of a new shirt or maybe in hope to pacify your child, and in there – sandwiched between these great marvels listed above – deciding to join the Army. Sweet Moses father of Jesus – how insanely naive can these people be? Sorry, but this Army store disturbs me so much that I must leave this subject behind in fear of reoccurring nightmares. I must stop conversing with this Sergeant without much ado.

The cool thing about the Mall though, is that it’s always been a place of innovation in terms of battery-charged vehicles that move fat people around (I like to call them ‘ObeseMobiles’). No other country in the world offers such a variety of ways to stroll the Mall. Since childhood I was fascinated by these awe-inspiring ObeseMobiles, an invention that appeared to be created just so it’ll be easier for fat people to continually spend their dough on dough(nuts). Awesome.

As I continue touring, I find an earth-shattering discovery. This Mall has a Wall-Mart store inside of it. Ah…Wall-Mart…. The bad guys. The bullies of corporate America. It’s actually been awhile since I entered a Wall-Mart store. Almost 4 years. Now like every other socially-aware kid, I too have once found anti-globalization books to be semi-erotic. I too have read and heard about the wrongdoings of this retail giant. And as I entered the store, all of that (mostly true) propaganda was running through my mind. I was expecting to find a young Chinese boy tormented between the aisles, the store manager to be drinking blood and the employees to be zombies that are scarier looking than Paula Abdul in Drag. Instead, I found four white trash moms, all with different variations of written tattoos across their chest/ necks, 6 socks for only $6, and a bottle of vitamin water for a buck. I thought to myself that this is a damn good deal. So I paid for all of the above (minus the white trash moms and their tattoos – the woman I love wouldn’t approve).

Did it make me feel bad that I’m helping this evil corporation? Yeah, maybe a little, cause obviously I’m writing about it. But in this economy, 6 socks for $6? – Screw Michael Moore.

*You know, cookies that you buy in order to cure Aids or whatever. The checkout lady at Safeways sells them to me all the time for $2 a piece. They’re actually not that bad.

Written by Frankelstache

March 9, 2009 at 11:44 am