Life, America, Randomness

Men; Group 1

with 2 comments

As someone who was raised in a communal village and later completed three years of military service, I’ve seen my share of penises. Numbers are hard to divulge, but I’d probably be able to step into a ring with Jenna Jamison and put up a good fight. Heck, I might even win (assuming all the pounding she endured throughout the years caused a mild case of amnesia).

As a result, I consider myself an expert in male behavior and to make life easier on you, I’ve managed to dissect the male population into three distinct groups. Today I want to talk about group one, approximately 47.5% of walking-talking* men.

This group has many distinguishers, no doubt, but what brings all these fine and not so fine gentlemen together is the fact that all of them, all 47.5% are convinced their penises are too small.
Now some of you female readers might smile in embarrassment while you indulge in laughing memory of that guy you once partied with. Some of you male readers might recall a childhood summer (say when you were in Jewish camp or whatever**), glimpsing into the showers and seeing one kid who was significantly smaller than the rest. However this is not about the actual size of these males’ penises. Size has nothing to do with it. This is about how these males perceive their size, not about how their anatomy really is.

We shall now refer to this group of males as ‘The Musts’.

A ‘Must’ lives life mostly inside his own head. Post society’s dictations, a Must believes he’s measured in this world by the amount of women he manages to please during sexual intercourse. The thing is, even if he gets a woman climaxing to the fullest, a Must never believes he actually did it. Even when in bed with a woman, a Must still remains inside his own head. If the woman screams, he thinks she’s faking it. If she shivers, he thinks she’s having a muscle cramp. If her juices start to overflow, well, she must have drank a lot of water earlier. You get the point.

This creates a reality where all Musts go about living with a chip on their shoulder: a constant sense of failure. Now this would’ve been okay if it was their own personal issue, but their failure doesn’t disappear the minute the bedroom door is shut. It goes beyond the sheets. It follows Musts into their offices, their friendships, the way they eat, their Facebook Statuses, their laundry folding techniques and into everything and everywhere you can, or cannot think of.

VERY IMPORTANT: Musts never believe in themselves or in their ability to achieve anything, no matter what they try to portray to the outside world, or how successful, by any standard, they really are. If by accident, they do manage to feel good about themselves, they soon forget about it and go back to their regular point of view.

I’m not saying all Musts are losers, or that a Must’s destiny is to lead a life of failure. Just that inside their heads, nothing is ever enough.

Musts are usually the hardest working men you’ll find. They are on a constant mode of competing, always chasing after the next achievement (only to be oblivious when that achievement crosses their path). Their sense of failure makes them feel they must always prove their value, to their bosses, their peers, family, and most important, they must prove their value to – you guessed it – themselves. Their sense of failure also -almost always- creates a behavioral pattern of a complete egocentric douch. Hence, ‘The Musts’.

A few good examples of Pop Culture Musts:
John Travolta
Billy Hoyle in White Men Can’t Jump
Kobe Bryant
Will Smith
Johnny ‘Drama’ Chase in Entourage ***

By now you’ve probably gathered a few questions (and feel free to ask bellow), but allow me to tackle the main question – can we ‘fix’ The Musts?
Perhaps, you’re thinking, if we just tell them they’re penises are perfectly normal they’ll get over it? But the answer to that question is no. They won’t buy it. They’ve probably been told that once or twice in the past. Imagine you’re Rossan Bar and someone says you look very svelte today. Would you buy it?
How about “The love of a good woman”? can that fix them? maybe. Definitely worth a shot. Problem is these type of women don’t really grow on trees. The only solution I thought of is to introduce them to endless pictures of men with smaller penises than theirs. And that might work, along with some psychotherapy lines to build their nonexistent self-confidence. Fix their self-confidence, and you’ll fix the Musts.

The only problem my solution faces is where, in the name of Miley Cyrus, are you going to find endless pictures of small penises? The Belgian Institute of Pedophilia?

*Deaf and/or handicapped people count, too. I’m just using ‘walking-talikng’ as an expression.

** This is not to say Jews have small penises.

*** Although, at the end of Season 5, Chase leaves Hollywood, goes back to Queens and opens a bar – allegedly leaving his Johnny Drama days behind.


Written by Frankelstache

March 3, 2009 at 4:44 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Your small penis post touched me.

    For isn’t there a small penis in all of us?

    Danny B

    March 6, 2009 at 12:19 pm

  2. That’s very profound. As always, Brams


    March 6, 2009 at 10:01 pm

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