Life, America, Randomness

A Few of Our Favorite Things

with 3 comments

The Alabama shooting made me think a little. It’s so painful and infuriating. I come from a realm of violence and unfortunately have been accustomed to live alongside random acts of murderous brutality. I guess that’s why I treat it with humor. It’s amazing what you can get used to.

It seems like if I had to rate the things Americans love the most, the list will be something like this (random order):

1.    Jesus
2.    Baseball
3.    MacDonald’s
4.    Thank You Notes
5.    Self-medicating
6.    Shooting Innocent People

Let’s take a closer look.

Jesus Christ – Jesus was born a Jew. Among his various accomplishments, JC walked on water and created this little thing called Christianity, which is why Americans love him. They thank him all the freaking time and often do things in his name or his behalf. JC loves me. I know because the bum outside the subway station told me so. I also know that Jesus would’ve fixed many things, but most likely, he would’ve preferred 34DD blonds named after him instead of all these little Mexicans.

Baseball – Americans love baseball because anyone can play. It doesn’t require speed, height or any other athletic criteria. All you gotta do is chew tobacco and make semi-inappropriate hand gestures. Baseball is a game of numbers, which is great for Americans cause it gives them a sense of control. Moreover, since most American men are underdeveloped, baseball is perfect for their ‘Fantasy Leagues‘, a subject worthy of its own post.

Micky D’s – How could people love something that’s so bad for them? The guy from ‘Supersize Me’ claims that it’s mostly due to MD’s marketing. His theory is that MD brings back good memories for Americans, to times when they were happy and joyful with their families. That MacDonald’s is America’s ‘happy place’. You know I thought about it: It’s cheap, calorific, doesn’t taste good and can also cause a heart attack. Which are also the characterizations of an old stripper. At least MD won’t give you a yeast infection.

Thank You NotesThis is where my narcissistic ass links to my own old posts.

Self-medicating – America is very accepting. Everyone has a place and everyone has rights (excluding the gays). In order to make people feel better about life, Americans had mastered the art of coming up with weird diseases and physical definitions, making it okay for you to be who you are, providing you consume the appropriate types of drugs. HIV and other real diseases aside, there is a cure for everything in America, whether you pee five times an hour, lacking on B12 vitamin or plain autistic. Along came Self-medicating, and now we can all live in harmony.

Shooting Innocent People – I don’t know why this is so common in America. These days, in almost every country in the world, innocent people die because of fundamentalist terrorists, so you’d think that these indiscriminating fanatics would leave us alone and just shoot themselves to begin with.
Is it better to die by the hands of a terrorist, who’s at least someone else’s freedom fighter, than by the hands of a random maniac? I don’t know. And I don’t think anyone in Illinois, Columbine, Virginia or Alabama (from the top of my head) cares. It’s all the same shit. Sometimes, this world really sucks.

Update: Just read there was a random shooting in Germany as well.


Written by Frankelstache

March 11, 2009 at 8:42 am

3 Responses

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  1. As an American, I understand that these things are important. As an ambiguously-devoted adherent of a “religion” adopted predominantly by New Agers, I understand that *balance* is important. For instance, tomorrow I plan to balance my breakfast of organic free-range oatmeal with a lunch from the McDonalds up the street, which I will drive my SUV to. After lunch I can balance a game of baseball with an hour or possibly two of driving heavily with my friends while cursing impotently at the 6 o’clock news.

    My question is: since I’m not Christian, I can’t use Jesus Christ to balance out going American Psycho on innocent passers-by. What should I do?

    Thank you!


    March 11, 2009 at 3:50 pm

  2. Dear Oski,

    1st, this is a fine question.
    2nd, I am glad to learn that your time in the Bay wasn’t a total lost, for it seems you’ve gathered some life-essential Hippiness.

    3rd, Well, if you are not a Christian yet still American, the awful truth is that you don’t really belong here, and that you’re most likely a Commie. Sorry to be the one that have to tell you this. Maybe you should consider a different place of existence. Like Japan or Oregon perhaps?

    Hope this helps,


    March 11, 2009 at 7:12 pm

  3. I am not sure how you found my little space in the aether, but thanks for your comment.

    In return, I spent some time enjoying your Berkley perspective lol. Having paid my dues in the pit of “civilization” and “hi tech”, I had a few good laughs. I particularly appreciate the fact that nothing is sacred in your assessment of the world around you. Being “politically correct” tends to make people and groups of people – stupid.

    You might appreciate that while Quadra Island is VERY rural and largely pristine, many of my neighbors are American. In fact, the largest landowner in my part of the island bought and built here in response to “Dubya” Bush taking the presidency rotfl. He figured the USA was going in the toilet like a bad burrito.

    Well, I have bookmarked you now, so keep it honest or I might have to call you on it :~).

    Mike W (woodwhisperer)

    Mike Windrim

    March 12, 2009 at 2:41 pm

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