Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Things That Are Bound To Happen

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“The only certainty in life is death”, goes the cliché’. I really hate cliché’s.
I can see and understand society’s need for cliché’s, but me being insecure in my originality and individuality (the result of growing up in a commune) makes me vigorously and automatically oppose anything that’s structured and predestined. Lucky enough, back at the day Al Gore helped creating this little thing called the World Wide Web, and here we are today inside this spectacular blog platform.

It brings me great joy when I am able to refute a preexistent perception, and therefore I would like to tackle the cliché’ positioned at the top of today’s post. I might have to use other truisms in order to negate it, but nobody said that’s not allowed.

Certainty 1: The husband will always screw the babysitter.
From Jane Eyre to David Beckham, bringing a younger woman to take care of your toddlers is like going to the Cheesecake factory while on a diet. If I were a mom, I would rather let Theodore Kaczynski take care of my kids than welcoming a youthful chick into my abode. Granted, men are horrible, but even my inner-woman* knows that the only thing lamer than a slimy man is that slut who was easily manipulated to join him in the bedroom. Wives, don’t act surprised if one day it’ll happen to you, too. If you must get a nanny, make sure she’s a survivor of either Chernobyl or Hiroshima. That way she’ll be so old and damaged even Bill Clinton wouldn’t wanna do her.

Certainty 2: Asian people will always travel in packs.
Whether it’s when they’re touring a new city, dancing in a club, walking to the restroom, shopping, or their absolute favorite: standing in a random line – those little cats are always in a group. One of my good friends suggested that’s it’s because they are both small and shy, so they work better as a group. Makes sense to me, but even so, it kinda bugs me that I always encounter them on a mass scale. It’ll be nice to meet just one of them every now or then, or at least see one mingles in a more diverse assemblage. Good news is that Asian women do a good job fueling many orgy fantasies, I’ll give em that.

Certainty 3: Kids will tell jokes you will never understand.
This has recently been validated inside my head in the daycare I volunteer at. You know, I’ve met my share of not so hilarious adults, but kids are something else. They have the worst sense of humor ever. They’re jokes aren’t even jokes. It’s usually a dumb question like ‘what did the cow told the chicken?” and the answer/punch line is usually something like “Your feathers smell”. At first I thought it was only me who isn’t getting it, but throughout the years I’ve learned that it’s actually those kids who don’t.

Certainty 4: People with an accent will always appear dumber.
This is a cross-cultural, intercontinental and multilingual certainty. Hear a girl speak Spanish with an American accent and you’ll automatically assume you can convince her you’re worth a lay. Hear a guy speak English with a Southern accent and you’ll instantly be willing to bet your savings you’ll defeat him hands down in a trivia challenge. This certainty, however, does not include people with a British accent cause for some reason that makes people sound smarter. Which is peculiar, to say the least, cause most Brits are drunks who never left their hometown, or just condescending snobs who feel superior cause they have a Queen. God and tourists know why the F I should care about their queen, but oh well.
Certainty 5: Jesus will never return.
Get over it. It’s time you accept it.

Certainty 6: In every album, Beyoncé will have a mega feminist song.

Since her early days in the amazing trio Destiny’s Child, Beyoncé is a bigger believer in women power than Rosie O’Donnell. “You thought that I’d be weak without ya, But I’m stronger. You thought that I’d be broke without ya, But I’m richer.” “All the women who are independent, Throw your hands up at me.” “I can have another you by tomorrow. So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.” And my absolute favorite: “I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips. Acting up, drink my cup, I could care less what you think. All the single ladies, all the single ladies – now get your hands up! Ho, Ho, Ho!!!
Death? clearly not the only thing we can count on.

* I’d like to think she had a rough childhood and her name is L’atisha.

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Written by Frankelstache

March 20, 2009 at 6:16 pm

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