Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Archive for June 2009

RIP, SHP.

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Life is so short. Make sure you live it following your heart. Always spread happiness.

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Written by Frankelstache

June 30, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

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Iron Chef – Who The Hell Are You?

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Maybe it’s the lack of job opportunities and the soaring unemployment rates that gets me going here, but I’m seriously interested in learning what on earth is the role of “The Chairman” in the epic Food Network show ‘Iron Chef America’.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show’s core curriculum: there are two chefs, three judges and two reporters (among them the uber irritating Alton Brown, who knows more about food than Jenna Jamison knows about penises, only he’s not nearly as arousing and – as far as I know – he does not have a tattoo on his right ass cheek). Chefs and their teams have an hour to prepare five dishes that are later judged based on several categories till a winner is announced. That’s about it, It’s fairly uncomplicated.

Now in that mixture, someone thought it’ll be wise to throw in an odd looking Asian dude that opens every show with a somersault and rambles something about the words of his uncle as he lifts a lid at the beginning of each episode. During the show, he walks around “Kitchen Stadium” like he’s Master Splinter watching over his ninjas, galvanizing them with mystique. At the end of each culinary battle this TV vagabond even gets to try the food, which only adds to his puzzling role given that he says nothing and contributes nil to the judging process.

Who is that man and how did he land such a job? And if the fable is true about him inheriting the position from his uncle, how come nepotism is celebrated so proudly? Is this the message that the Food Network wants to deliver? It’s bad enough that they employee extraterrestrials who were sent from outer space to dumb us down (Rachel Ray) or that they provide a stage for the animal known to man as Paula Deen, cause at least they have a purpose. But this guy is an enigma, an anomaly, and yes, I’m jealous.

Written by Frankelstache

June 29, 2009 at 9:31 am

Save a Child, Get a Pet

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Desperate Housewife

Listen up Yanks, a child is not a dog.
True, some kids are so ugly they’re a living proof that Man came from the apes, but even that animalistic resemblance does not justify such horrible treatment.

I’ve noticed these child-to-dog converters everywhere, and it seems mostly common within White, ‘apple pie’ families.  I asked around in bewilderment why do people do this to their whelps and received numerous replies, the majority of them pointing out fear of child abduction as the cause.

Now I can’t even start to imagine how it feels to have your child kidnapped, and I would gladly assist in making the kidnappers inhale their own urine for the rest of their lives if I’ll ever lay my hands on one of them. But using a leash as a preventative act is castrating, both physically, and emotionally. It’s horrible watching these little kids trying to explore and discover the world while they’re pulled from behind like a choked horse.

If you fear for your child hold his hand. Pick him up, piggyback the tot. But in the name of Miley Cyrus – Don’t use a leash as if your child is a four months old Chiwawa named Butch.

Regardless of how joyful this mother and son look like in this perfectly situated advertising photograph, shit ain’t right. Jesus would not have approved.

Written by Frankelstache

June 24, 2009 at 8:20 pm

Please Forgive Me

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Any person visiting America will tell you that the 1st thing that strikes him (tall buildings and black people dating Asian chicks aside) is the amount of time strangers ask for his forgiveness.

Ambling the streets or strolling any random store used to be exhausting for me. Furthermore, I suspect I started developing a mild case of guilt complex from all the aliens who engaged me in “I’m Sorry” tête-à-tête. Every time a person walked within 10 meters of me – “Excuse me.” When someone was looking at the same shirt I was checking out on the shelf – “oh, Sorry”. When my eyes met a pretty girl’s eyes and we stared at each other for a split second – “Sorry”.

Why do Americans apologize so often? Is it one of those “I was raised in a Catholic School and the nuns used to rape me with a ruler” type of cause-effect story? I admit it’s nice that people are aware of others’ space. But if the goddamn streets are crowded and you and I are walking in opposite directions, you don’t need to apologize for wanting to get home. I don’t care, really – and that does not offend me, I swear.

Or maybe that’s not it at all?

I pondered, at some point, whether all of these apologetic strangers aren’t really sorry for standing behind me on the escalator or that they’re not really shameful for smiling at me while standing in line at the grocery store. Maybe “Excuse me” actually means, “I’m here”. Maybe “Sorry” actually means, “Notice me”. If so, what is the catalyst for such behavior? Granted, walking the streets of a major US city resembles nothing. Every time I’m in Manhattan I feel like an ant, so if that’s the driving force, I guess I can understand how people seek these “I’m sorry” exchanges just so they can (in a way) scream for their existence.

Whatever the reason may be, I’d really appreciate it if the next time I’m riding the bus someone will just punch me in the face on his way to the back seats. Then he can burp, look at me with disgust and say: “America. Fuck yeah.”

Written by Frankelstache

June 22, 2009 at 10:00 am

Anal-ism

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Something’s been bugging me for a while now. Not really sure why I remembered it all of a sudden. It’s late, I’m watching an MTV show about 16 year old White Trash girls that got Britney-ied* and I guess you could say I’m still under the influences of Queen, that’s been playing in the background for the past hour.

At any case, I have another English inquiry I wanted to talk about. You know I came to America a tad less than three years ago thinking / knowing that the word ‘Anal’ has to do with one’s anus, and is more often than not used when describing an activity closely related to but-banging. Faster than the time it takes a republican to answer ‘Jesus’ when asked who’s got his back, I learned that ‘Anal’ isn’t a language taboo, but actually socially accepted – and can, at certain occasions, be seen as a compliment.

Time had passed and I learned more and more about the American use of the English language. I avidly read Krakuer’s awesome books, surreptitiously studied H. Fleming’s eye-opening poetry and diligently watched a few Hannah Montana episodes, yet the story behind Anal’s transition from a sodomy-descriptive adjective to an allegory illustrating a detailed-oriented / control-freak person has yet to exposed itself in front of my daunted eyes.

The first explanation I came up with was that apparently all these Librarians / OCD Soccer Moms must really like it up the ass. But that seemed like a bigger urban legend than “Woody Allen used to make great movies” so I decided to forego it. Then I thought that maybe it’s because the anus is a very tight and squeezed place, and that so-called ‘anal’ people really enjoy small and tight places cause they can fit things inside of it (by category) and label it perfectly. But that, too, sounded like a far-fetched idea. Lastly, I went as far as exploring the possibility that the correlation between the two uses stems from the fact that a vagina lubes itself free-willingly (well, somewhat) while the ass’s lubrication levels can and must be controlled – and anal people like control. But that was just too out there and I thought no one is that twisted.

So now I turn to you. Can someone please put me out of my misery and explain, once and for all what’s the deal?

* Knocked up

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June 18, 2009 at 11:36 pm

Sammy Sosa Did Steroids

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So it turns out Sammy Sosa used steroids, too.
OMFG!! I didn’t see it coming!! Of all people…in all sports….Why, Sammy, why?!?!??!

K, so let’s be straightforward for a second. This is why you Americans are deemed dumb and naïve in the eyes of the rest of the world. Roids were not tested, nor banned until the mid 2000’s, yet all these idiotic baseball fans (including some idiotic congress members) act as if their world just disintegrated like it was Brittney Spears’ panties. “How dare he?!” they ask in angst, trying to appear shocked and baffled by this unexpected controversy.

Baseball players cheat. All of them. Get over it already. This sport is a joke and your obsession with numbers and records and statistic is absurd, too – especially since baseball is a big rigged, fake joke. I’m tired of it all. Tired of hearing about it on espn. Tired of reading about it. Tired.

Turning against your former baseball heroes and blaming them for doing something completely legal at the time won’t numb the pain of not becoming a professional athlete yourself. Grow up already.

Also please cease from writing those annoying Facebook / Twitter status updates. None of you have any friends.

Written by Frankelstache

June 17, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Words of Wisdom(?) 2

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So after revealing some epic lines right here, it’s time to expose the second part of those ‘Principals To Live By’.

6. A Plum won’t fall out of an Apple tree (and a Guava won’t grow in an Orange orchard).

7. A sweet kid without a future = no chance of succeeding.

8.  Muses are mute when cannons are roaring.

9. When the mouth is silent the ass should be thundering.

10.  Life is not for kids.

I am well aware of the oddness of some of these lines, so if one of you four readers requires a clarification for either of the above, feel free to comment and I shall comply.

Written by Frankelstache

June 14, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Posted in Humor, Life, Lists, Random

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