Life, America, Randomness

Iron Chef – Who The Hell Are You?

with 6 comments

Maybe it’s the lack of job opportunities and the soaring unemployment rates that gets me going here, but I’m seriously interested in learning what on earth is the role of “The Chairman” in the epic Food Network show ‘Iron Chef America’.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show’s core curriculum: there are two chefs, three judges and two reporters (among them the uber irritating Alton Brown, who knows more about food than Jenna Jamison knows about penises, only he’s not nearly as arousing and – as far as I know – he does not have a tattoo on his right ass cheek). Chefs and their teams have an hour to prepare five dishes that are later judged based on several categories till a winner is announced. That’s about it, It’s fairly uncomplicated.

Now in that mixture, someone thought it’ll be wise to throw in an odd looking Asian dude that opens every show with a somersault and rambles something about the words of his uncle as he lifts a lid at the beginning of each episode. During the show, he walks around “Kitchen Stadium” like he’s Master Splinter watching over his ninjas, galvanizing them with mystique. At the end of each culinary battle this TV vagabond even gets to try the food, which only adds to his puzzling role given that he says nothing and contributes nil to the judging process.

Who is that man and how did he land such a job? And if the fable is true about him inheriting the position from his uncle, how come nepotism is celebrated so proudly? Is this the message that the Food Network wants to deliver? It’s bad enough that they employee extraterrestrials who were sent from outer space to dumb us down (Rachel Ray) or that they provide a stage for the animal known to man as Paula Deen, cause at least they have a purpose. But this guy is an enigma, an anomaly, and yes, I’m jealous.


Written by Frankelstache

June 29, 2009 at 9:31 am

6 Responses

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  1. You have no idea how obsessed I used to be over that show. It was the reason I went through so many break-ups in my early to mid-twenties.

    I realize now it would be hard for any guy to date a girl who spent her Friday nights in front of the TV, eating Doritos and obsessing over the knife skills of Masahari Morimoto.

    The constant black-outs probably didnt help either…


    June 29, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    • Masahari Morimoto is perhaps the awesomest name ever, second only to Chuck Norris.

      Have always considered naming my child after him.

      I do have to say though, that I never craved Doritos during ICA. Other foods hell yeah, but definitely never Cool Ranch or Habenero. You are special indeed!

      Always a pleasure seeing you around,


      June 29, 2009 at 1:35 pm

  2. Burt Bacharrach is a pretty awesome name as well…


    June 29, 2009 at 1:47 pm

  3. Takeshi Kaga.
    Kaga was born on October 12, 1950 in Japan. In 1972, he joined the Japanese theatrical company Gekidan Shiki. While with the company, he played the role of Jesus in the Japanese stage production of Jesus Christ Superstar. He starred in several movies throughout the 1980s, but his most famous role would be that of “Chairman Kaga”, the eccentric and flamboyant host of Ryōri no Tetsujin (Iron Chef).

    Mark Dacascos, is claimed on ICA to be Takeshi’s nephew. The stated relationship is actually between the fictional characters played by the two men.

    Mark Dacascos
    Born, Mark Alan Dacascos (February 26, 1964 in Hawaii) is an actor and martial artist. He won numerous karate and various styles of kung fu championships between the ages of 7 and 18.

    Beginning in January 2005, Dacascos has portrayed “the Chairman” on Food Network’s television series Iron Chef America. His father, Al Dacascos, is from Hawaii. He is a martial arts instructor of Filipino, Spanish, and Han Chinese ancestry. His mother, Moriko McVey is of Irish and Japanese ancestry. His stepmother is award winning martial artist Malia Bernal.

    So Takeshi Kaga had to become Jesus, & Mark Dacascos was breed to kick ass. THAT is how you get the title of Chairman on Iron Chef.


    June 30, 2009 at 8:31 am

    • Thanks for this wunderful summery, Death.

      I knew the whole thing was a total joke.



      June 30, 2009 at 1:36 pm

      • I’m still hoping you become the ass kicking Jesus we’ve all expected of you & claim the title of Iron Chef Chairman for yourself.

        There can be only one!


        June 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm

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