Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Archive for August 2009

Pickup Lines.

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Such a wonderful invention. Here are some of my favorites –

For international hunters:

“So, read any good Jihadist websites lately?” *

For the ‘I get women’ angle:

“Are you a heavy bleeder?”

For the sophisticated

“Your mom must be hot” **

For the romantic:

“I’ve been a gardener for 30 years and have yet to see a flower like you”

For the reverse psychology artists:

“I’ve been taking dumps for 30 years and have yet to see a piece of shit like you”

For the creepy:

“You have beautiful eyes – can I touch them?”

For the HIppie:

“I’m an Organic Vegan and I taste delicious – are you a herbivore?”

For the Foreign lover:

“Do you believe in love from the first look?”

For the Freudian slip-ers:

“Wanna come to my room? have a cup of coffee…? a fuck of tea?”

For the redneck:

“You remind me of my Peccary”

For the practicals:

“Your hips look like they were made for childbearing. I’d like to mate”

For the Pedos:

“You’re before your Bar Mitzvah, right?

For Jdaters:

“The rabbi didn’t use any magnifying glass during my bris.”


* Copyrighted, Aloni. A.

** Copyrighted, Fleming. H.

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Written by Frankelstache

August 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm

10 People I’d Have a Beer With

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Hitler

Shaq

Joseph Smith My Grandpa

Yasser Arafat

Tim Gunn

Britney Spears

Golda Meir

My Grandma

My Other Grandma

Tyra

Update / Clarification:

The above order is completely random. Also, admiration isn’t the only driving force behind my choices. I’m far more interested in learning about those I can’t understand.

Written by Frankelstache

August 21, 2009 at 12:01 pm

CUTE or GROSS?

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So I thought to myself what will happen if I combine a really heinous word that reeks of grossness with a word that just screams positivism and cuteness. Which word / association would prevail? Can we draw a bulletproof conclusion from these examples? All of that (and more) – right here, right now.

 

So…is it CUTE or is it GROSS?

(I shall give you my opinions, too)

 

 

“Baby poop”I say cute. True, poops can be nasty, especially after a visit to the local Taqueria (or better yet, Indian buffet), but the word ‘Baby’ is simply too powerful. I do realize, however, that some people find babies to be horribly gross, but those are exactly the kind of people who treat their excrement as god’s gift – so cute still prevails.

 

“Puppy vomit”I say gross. Puppies are usually very alluring with their sweet eyes and wagging tails and perplexed looks right after you ask them “what gave you the idea that my purse is a good place for you to urinate in?!” so you’d think that this word’s cuteness would emerge victorious. Except that vomit is so vile and sickening, the sheer smell of it inside my imagination right now is enough to win this battle.

 

“Anal cuddle”I say I don’t know.

 

“Good Samaritan with hemorrhoids”I say gross. I keep thinking about a Jehovah Witness knocking on doors asking if he can take a dump at random people’s houses, making their restroom filthy . I can’t explain why I’m thinking about it, but it’s definitely gross.

 

“Transsexual Marionette”I say cute. Well, more funny than cute, I guess. Trannies actually freak me out a little in real life, especially my neighbor for a floor below. But the thought of a marionette with a ballet skirt / outfit and a giant penis is kinda funny.

 

“Sweet semen”I say gross. Or maybe it’s because I’m a guy? Would any lady  / Castro resident disagree? I heard (yes, only heard) that it’s suppose to be salty, so in that case maybe the above combo is cute. Can someone enlighten me here, please?

 

This is all for now. Next time we’ll play this game with celebrity couples. Oh, and since this is the age of interactivity, I’d like to ask for your comments and opinions below.

Written by Frankelstache

August 20, 2009 at 9:56 am

Posted in Humor, Lists, Random

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iPhone Applications

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someone should invent an iPhone app that lets tourists know how you feel about them in their native tongue. I will pitch it as soon as I can. Will call it:

Puta-la-shaise!

Written by Frankelstache

August 12, 2009 at 10:00 am

Posted in Humor, Random

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What Have You Done For Me Lately

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I woke up this morning at 6 am.

I bathed my ass, chocked a cow, cleaned the coop, fed the dog, peed in the yard, saved a life, smoked a joint, had a one morning stand with my wife, got dressed, ate a jalapeño, discovered an old Beatles album, solved a South Korean conflict, baked a cake, danced to Lady Gaga’s tunes, cleaned the car, deep fried some beans, unleashed my wrath on a group of gardeners, rolled some sushi, played black jack online, read a book and had a cup of tea around 9am.

Then I decided to tackle my day.

I later boiled some hotdogs and biscuits with gravy. Built a kite, kissed a frog, designed some jewelry, wrote a thesis, tested the fire alarm, shaved my abdomen, trimmed my testicles, planted a cactus, sewed a sweater, called my mother, flossed the donkey’s teeth, created a presentation, filed my taxes, learned to play the ukulele, sniffed some blow, tangoed in Paris, watched Gossip Girl, complained about the weather, heated the pool, delivered a baby, tore a pair of shoes, sampled some wine, plowed the field and sodomized a bird.

Had a nice nap and woke up at 2pm.

Went for a run and hitchhiked my way back. Protested for the rights of the LGBT’s, aided an old lady with crossing the street, pitched a new business campaign, prayed for Jesus, fasted for an hour, drained a slurpy, picked some fruits, rode the horse, found the needle in the haystack, consulted a fortune teller, painted my scooter, scooped the bat’s shit, checked for flights to Poland, fought a rabbi, recreated history, deleted my yahoo account, dug a hole, glazed a chicken and sat down to enjoy the evening breeze as the sun went down.

I was blessed with a second wind around 8pm.

Won a chess match with my eyes closed, fixed a fan, drove a train, scared a child, raised my flag, changed a station, educated a pack of ravens, asked for a raise, started a debate, cheered for the homeless and DVRd a full season of some vampire related tv show. Filmed a movie, acted out a play, stole a spoon, sculptured an ape, fueled the dishwasher, modeled in the nude and fell asleep on the couch unexpectedly.

Remembered nothing the morning after.

Written by Frankelstache

August 10, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Posted in Humor, Random

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The less hair you have on your head

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The more hair you have on your body.

Written by Frankelstache

August 7, 2009 at 7:26 am

Posted in Humor, Random

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Super Truper

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Every person dreams about being a superhero at least once in his / her life. I never did. Fuck Batman, Aquaman and their clones. Why the fuck would I wanna be stuck dressed in tights all day long or become half man – half spider? That doesn’t sound so appealing to me. Superman was not a fashionista, to say the least and the whole living as your alter ego business sounds like too much work, frankly.

Did I mention a superhero’s horrible moral code? It seems like they feel like they have to rescue every old lady that loses her cat – and god forbid if not. The worst thing you can do to a superhero is chain him to a chair (one he can’t escape, though, dummy) and force him to watch you torture someone ruthlessly. If I get tied to a chair I can’t escape, all I care about is not getting raped with a chainsaw, I could care less about some random stranger I don’t even know. But superheroes, man, they live by a different code.

Nevertheless, with their painfully irritating ethics and not so craftily designed costumes come super powers, which is something I might be interested in, somewhat. So I thought of gathering up a list of super powers I aspire to attain one of these days.

1. The ability to eradicate other people’s cell phone reception with my own mind.

2. The power to teach pets to make me a Mango Lasi whenever I crave it.

3. The skill to bbq meat to perfection – with a sneeze.

4. The gift of poop that needs no wiping in the aftermath.

5. The aptitude to erase tattoos with my magic saliva.

6. The capacity to cure women’s acne with my sperm.

7. The handiness to silence screaming babies with a wink.

8. The dexterity to move my name to the top of every weekend-brunch-place’s waiting list with a smile.

9. The means to make myself a delicious Ruben Sandwich even if I don’t have any ingredient.

10. I guess that being able to fly can be cool, too.

Written by Frankelstache

August 5, 2009 at 5:44 pm