Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Archive for the ‘Language’ Category

English is an Ubber Odd Language

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Hello all and welcome back to today’s episode of the Frankelstache’s misunderstandings with English.

So in America, when a person says: “Damn, I’d kill for a Burrito right now.” the people around him conclude that that person is really craving a Burrito.

My personal and completely normal conclusion was that given that murder is the highest rated offense (punishment wise), I can proudly announce: “Damn, I’d sodomize a 12 year-old for a Burrito right now.”

That didn’t go so well.

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Written by Frankelstache

January 15, 2010 at 12:05 am

How Is It That One’s Opinion

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alway contradicts mine?

Is it like that with everyone? It seems like everything I do, One’s way will be completely different. I often think he does that just to spite me.

Screw One, I say.

Written by Frankelstache

December 9, 2009 at 7:57 pm

Posted in Language, Random

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The Frankelstache English Dictionary, Take 12

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Napcident – Nap – Ci – Dent

“An accidental nap”.

You know when you’re laying on your couch at home reading a book or watching reality trash on tv? Maybe your head is against a nice pillow… there’s a blanket at hand…?

You didn’t get on the couch with sleeping intent, yet all of a sudden, snoozing simply feels like the right thing to do.

And then you fall asleep for anywhere between 20 minutes and 2 hours?

Well my friend, you’ve just experienced a Napcident.

Written by Frankelstache

November 12, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Posted in Language

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More English Issues

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After offering my advice to the English language here and expressing my opinions here, I’d like to continue with some verbal / literal issues, if you may.

The thing is, some word combinations are kinda odd, to be frank, especially when they appear to resemble a different word – I’ll explain:Take the term ‘Laundry Detergent’. I say, why not call it ‘Laundry Degenerate’. There’s even a logical explanation hiding here in the bushes – what this material actually does is to degenerate the original colors of the fabric you’re using. Not to mention, the more laundries your shirt gets, the more of a degenerate you look like wearing it.

The definition ‘Speech Impediment’ is also very wrong. Why not make it ‘Speech Amendment’? People who stutter have a right to speak as they please. A prerogative that esentialy embodies the attitude of “MMMind your own business mmmmmutherfucker. I I I I will trip over my tongue as much as I want”.

Written by Frankelstache

September 4, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Posted in America, Humor, Language

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Words Words Words

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As a favor to my best friend Miriam Webster, here are a few new words I wanted to introduce to the English language:

“Forgicate” – to forge fornication. “He’s such a forgicator. What a loser.”

“Lefting” – describing the act of turning left. “I’m lefting at 9th street and will be there to smack your mamma in a minute.”

“Peacing” –saying goodbye. “I’ll be in the car soon LaMel, we’re just peacing.”

“Schnitzeled” – someone with severe sun burns. “Went to the beach this weekend and got totally schnitzeled.”

“Douchtastic” – a fantastic douchbag. “That polo shirt mixed with your Stanford degree is douchtastic.”

I love you Miriam, hopefully you’re as hot in real life as I imagine you to be.

Written by Frankelstache

August 4, 2009 at 12:53 pm

May Day

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So today is the day of the worker, a holiday that emerged out of the beliefs of Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and their partners in crime. This being America, no one really knows what does that mean. Having spent (some part of) my day wearing a red shirt, receiving no signs of public acknowledgment or appreciation, I began to ponder where this country is heading. Calling someone a ‘commie’ was once the English language’s worst abuse, an honor that’s now reserved to the word ‘cunt’. Being a commie was essentially being a traitor – dooming you to be hang by the KKK as if you were a gay Jewish African American who also has one chromosome too much.

But now these days are gone and Obama is the King of America. Many people, most of them reside within the Fox News studios, are blaming Obama for driving this country into communism, socialism, fascism and yes, I heard it with my own ears – Jihadism. Amazing. So this begs the question: Is it so bad to be a tad socialistic? Will America crumble as soon as its capitalistic heart will miss a beat? I mean seriously, what will happen?  Texans will cease from speaking with an accent?  Black people will go to College? Sizzler will unite with Lululemon? Californian will vote for a Republican, twice? Hipsters will gain weight? Peace in the Middle East? Vesuvius will erupt? Bums will win American Idol? Hollywood will be run by apes? Oprah will have a panic attack?

What’s the deal?

Language Issues

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Idioms. Figures of speech. You know, the kind of stuff people say all the time. Things that don’t make any sense on their own. Since English is my second language, I often find myself baffled in the middle of a conversation (happens to me two-three times a week). Obviously, certain things make sense, like if you come up to me and say “That woman is a wolf in a sheep’s clothing”.  I get it, cause I know sheep are harmless and dumb, and I also know wolfs are conniving dicks that enjoy slaughtering grandmas and raping* under aged girls dressed in red. But when someone I converse with suddenly announces, “I have an Axe to grind with you”, I must wonder if the dude read one too many Ann Coulter books**.

Sorry, but I have to rant about the low-quality and incomprehensibleness of some of these great American idioms (and figures of speech / common sayings):

“Turn on a dime” – What does that mean? Turn the dime ‘on’? How do you do that? Do you play with its clitoris? Suck on its nipples? What if the dime’s having a headache? So after Nicole Richie, now Dimes are sex icons? Gee, thanks America.

“Beat A Dead Horse” – What is this? A violent type of necrophilia? I know that in selected countries clubbing seals is considered a sport, but beating a dead horse has to be more peculiar than Californians voting for a Republican to govern them. Twice. What the hell is wrong with you people?

“Know something backwards and forward” – is this the definition of gay people who are both ‘Top’ and ‘Bottom’?

“A baker’s dozen” –One of the most derogatory and obnoxious generalization one can make. Is it to imply that all bakers are dumb? That they can’t count? That they’re all obese? That bakers are liars? That they’re not to be trusted? And how am I supposed to know it means 13? Why do you say ‘dozen’ if you mean 13? It’s wrong, man.

“Shoot the shit” – like, literally? Who’s shit? some shits are mushier than others, I hear.

“Cut off your nose to spite your face” – I give up.

Feel free to suggest some more with your comments…


* Oh he would’ve gotten there if given a chance, you know he would’ve.
** Notorious for frying your brain cells to the point of no return.

Written by Frankelstache

March 7, 2009 at 11:31 pm