Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

Help Obama Sell Healthcare

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In response to this:

Here are some headlines to aid in this democratic struggle. So why change the current state of Healthcare?

1. Because ‘Freedom’ is having your herpes cured for free.

2. Because Hospital employees smell worse than your neighborhood bums.

3. So the homeless will die healthy.

4. You’re unemployed and have no retirement – do you really think you have a choice?

5. So Jesus can work his miracles.

6. Because Bush would never do it and that’s all the reassurance we need.

7. Cause Doogie Houser is gay.

8. Because Doctors are obnoxious, keep them off the streets.

9. Because Meth lab employees are getting furloughed.

10. So Jewish mothers will continue to develop complexes.

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Written by Frankelstache

September 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Pickup Lines.

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Such a wonderful invention. Here are some of my favorites –

For international hunters:

“So, read any good Jihadist websites lately?” *

For the ‘I get women’ angle:

“Are you a heavy bleeder?”

For the sophisticated

“Your mom must be hot” **

For the romantic:

“I’ve been a gardener for 30 years and have yet to see a flower like you”

For the reverse psychology artists:

“I’ve been taking dumps for 30 years and have yet to see a piece of shit like you”

For the creepy:

“You have beautiful eyes – can I touch them?”

For the HIppie:

“I’m an Organic Vegan and I taste delicious – are you a herbivore?”

For the Foreign lover:

“Do you believe in love from the first look?”

For the Freudian slip-ers:

“Wanna come to my room? have a cup of coffee…? a fuck of tea?”

For the redneck:

“You remind me of my Peccary”

For the practicals:

“Your hips look like they were made for childbearing. I’d like to mate”

For the Pedos:

“You’re before your Bar Mitzvah, right?

For Jdaters:

“The rabbi didn’t use any magnifying glass during my bris.”


* Copyrighted, Aloni. A.

** Copyrighted, Fleming. H.

Written by Frankelstache

August 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm

10 People I’d Have a Beer With

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Hitler

Shaq

Joseph Smith My Grandpa

Yasser Arafat

Tim Gunn

Britney Spears

Golda Meir

My Grandma

My Other Grandma

Tyra

Update / Clarification:

The above order is completely random. Also, admiration isn’t the only driving force behind my choices. I’m far more interested in learning about those I can’t understand.

Written by Frankelstache

August 21, 2009 at 12:01 pm

CUTE or GROSS?

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So I thought to myself what will happen if I combine a really heinous word that reeks of grossness with a word that just screams positivism and cuteness. Which word / association would prevail? Can we draw a bulletproof conclusion from these examples? All of that (and more) – right here, right now.

 

So…is it CUTE or is it GROSS?

(I shall give you my opinions, too)

 

 

“Baby poop”I say cute. True, poops can be nasty, especially after a visit to the local Taqueria (or better yet, Indian buffet), but the word ‘Baby’ is simply too powerful. I do realize, however, that some people find babies to be horribly gross, but those are exactly the kind of people who treat their excrement as god’s gift – so cute still prevails.

 

“Puppy vomit”I say gross. Puppies are usually very alluring with their sweet eyes and wagging tails and perplexed looks right after you ask them “what gave you the idea that my purse is a good place for you to urinate in?!” so you’d think that this word’s cuteness would emerge victorious. Except that vomit is so vile and sickening, the sheer smell of it inside my imagination right now is enough to win this battle.

 

“Anal cuddle”I say I don’t know.

 

“Good Samaritan with hemorrhoids”I say gross. I keep thinking about a Jehovah Witness knocking on doors asking if he can take a dump at random people’s houses, making their restroom filthy . I can’t explain why I’m thinking about it, but it’s definitely gross.

 

“Transsexual Marionette”I say cute. Well, more funny than cute, I guess. Trannies actually freak me out a little in real life, especially my neighbor for a floor below. But the thought of a marionette with a ballet skirt / outfit and a giant penis is kinda funny.

 

“Sweet semen”I say gross. Or maybe it’s because I’m a guy? Would any lady  / Castro resident disagree? I heard (yes, only heard) that it’s suppose to be salty, so in that case maybe the above combo is cute. Can someone enlighten me here, please?

 

This is all for now. Next time we’ll play this game with celebrity couples. Oh, and since this is the age of interactivity, I’d like to ask for your comments and opinions below.

Written by Frankelstache

August 20, 2009 at 9:56 am

Posted in Humor, Lists, Random

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Super Truper

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Every person dreams about being a superhero at least once in his / her life. I never did. Fuck Batman, Aquaman and their clones. Why the fuck would I wanna be stuck dressed in tights all day long or become half man – half spider? That doesn’t sound so appealing to me. Superman was not a fashionista, to say the least and the whole living as your alter ego business sounds like too much work, frankly.

Did I mention a superhero’s horrible moral code? It seems like they feel like they have to rescue every old lady that loses her cat – and god forbid if not. The worst thing you can do to a superhero is chain him to a chair (one he can’t escape, though, dummy) and force him to watch you torture someone ruthlessly. If I get tied to a chair I can’t escape, all I care about is not getting raped with a chainsaw, I could care less about some random stranger I don’t even know. But superheroes, man, they live by a different code.

Nevertheless, with their painfully irritating ethics and not so craftily designed costumes come super powers, which is something I might be interested in, somewhat. So I thought of gathering up a list of super powers I aspire to attain one of these days.

1. The ability to eradicate other people’s cell phone reception with my own mind.

2. The power to teach pets to make me a Mango Lasi whenever I crave it.

3. The skill to bbq meat to perfection – with a sneeze.

4. The gift of poop that needs no wiping in the aftermath.

5. The aptitude to erase tattoos with my magic saliva.

6. The capacity to cure women’s acne with my sperm.

7. The handiness to silence screaming babies with a wink.

8. The dexterity to move my name to the top of every weekend-brunch-place’s waiting list with a smile.

9. The means to make myself a delicious Ruben Sandwich even if I don’t have any ingredient.

10. I guess that being able to fly can be cool, too.

Written by Frankelstache

August 5, 2009 at 5:44 pm

More Dog News

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0 experience The Woman I Love and me have raising puppies. Dog is predestined for therapy.

1 boy named Mango J. Frankelstache The First. Given name is a tad androgynous but nothing else stuck.

2 times I consummated since his arrival. I get less vajayjay than George Michael, Elton John and Idaho Senators altogether.

3 hours and the pup needs to pee. He was blessed with a woman’s bladder.

4 consecutive hours of sleep is the most I’m getting nowadays. I’m awake so much at night, I know all the neighborhood pimps by names.

5 lbs this elfin creature weighs. Just like the perfect boob.

6 times a day we pull out ticks from his dainty body. Like a Trojan Horse, you welcome a gift and get 100’s of horrible insects.

7 weeks are left before he can interact with other dogs. His immune system now is weaker than Michael Jackson’s.

8 different bands / singers I played for him thus far. He seemed to love Pink Floyd the most, the little fascist.

9 different toys he has and had already diminished two. Anger management is imminent.

10 trips to the pet store already. Almost as if he found us on “Sugardaddy.com”

Mango The Labradoodle

Mango J. Frankelstache The First

Written by Frankelstache

July 22, 2009 at 7:26 am

Words of Wisdom(?) 2

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So after revealing some epic lines right here, it’s time to expose the second part of those ‘Principals To Live By’.

6. A Plum won’t fall out of an Apple tree (and a Guava won’t grow in an Orange orchard).

7. A sweet kid without a future = no chance of succeeding.

8.  Muses are mute when cannons are roaring.

9. When the mouth is silent the ass should be thundering.

10.  Life is not for kids.

I am well aware of the oddness of some of these lines, so if one of you four readers requires a clarification for either of the above, feel free to comment and I shall comply.

Written by Frankelstache

June 14, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Posted in Humor, Life, Lists, Random

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