Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Archive for the ‘Randomness’ Category

In a Perfect World…2

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Worrying will burn calories

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Written by Frankelstache

July 31, 2009 at 7:19 am

Posted in Humor, Life, Randomness

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There, I Said it

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Mariah Carey looks like a Transsexual.

Written by Frankelstache

July 8, 2009 at 1:44 am

Iron Chef – Who The Hell Are You?

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Maybe it’s the lack of job opportunities and the soaring unemployment rates that gets me going here, but I’m seriously interested in learning what on earth is the role of “The Chairman” in the epic Food Network show ‘Iron Chef America’.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show’s core curriculum: there are two chefs, three judges and two reporters (among them the uber irritating Alton Brown, who knows more about food than Jenna Jamison knows about penises, only he’s not nearly as arousing and – as far as I know – he does not have a tattoo on his right ass cheek). Chefs and their teams have an hour to prepare five dishes that are later judged based on several categories till a winner is announced. That’s about it, It’s fairly uncomplicated.

Now in that mixture, someone thought it’ll be wise to throw in an odd looking Asian dude that opens every show with a somersault and rambles something about the words of his uncle as he lifts a lid at the beginning of each episode. During the show, he walks around “Kitchen Stadium” like he’s Master Splinter watching over his ninjas, galvanizing them with mystique. At the end of each culinary battle this TV vagabond even gets to try the food, which only adds to his puzzling role given that he says nothing and contributes nil to the judging process.

Who is that man and how did he land such a job? And if the fable is true about him inheriting the position from his uncle, how come nepotism is celebrated so proudly? Is this the message that the Food Network wants to deliver? It’s bad enough that they employee extraterrestrials who were sent from outer space to dumb us down (Rachel Ray) or that they provide a stage for the animal known to man as Paula Deen, cause at least they have a purpose. But this guy is an enigma, an anomaly, and yes, I’m jealous.

Written by Frankelstache

June 29, 2009 at 9:31 am

Anal-ism

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Something’s been bugging me for a while now. Not really sure why I remembered it all of a sudden. It’s late, I’m watching an MTV show about 16 year old White Trash girls that got Britney-ied* and I guess you could say I’m still under the influences of Queen, that’s been playing in the background for the past hour.

At any case, I have another English inquiry I wanted to talk about. You know I came to America a tad less than three years ago thinking / knowing that the word ‘Anal’ has to do with one’s anus, and is more often than not used when describing an activity closely related to but-banging. Faster than the time it takes a republican to answer ‘Jesus’ when asked who’s got his back, I learned that ‘Anal’ isn’t a language taboo, but actually socially accepted – and can, at certain occasions, be seen as a compliment.

Time had passed and I learned more and more about the American use of the English language. I avidly read Krakuer’s awesome books, surreptitiously studied H. Fleming’s eye-opening poetry and diligently watched a few Hannah Montana episodes, yet the story behind Anal’s transition from a sodomy-descriptive adjective to an allegory illustrating a detailed-oriented / control-freak person has yet to exposed itself in front of my daunted eyes.

The first explanation I came up with was that apparently all these Librarians / OCD Soccer Moms must really like it up the ass. But that seemed like a bigger urban legend than “Woody Allen used to make great movies” so I decided to forego it. Then I thought that maybe it’s because the anus is a very tight and squeezed place, and that so-called ‘anal’ people really enjoy small and tight places cause they can fit things inside of it (by category) and label it perfectly. But that, too, sounded like a far-fetched idea. Lastly, I went as far as exploring the possibility that the correlation between the two uses stems from the fact that a vagina lubes itself free-willingly (well, somewhat) while the ass’s lubrication levels can and must be controlled – and anal people like control. But that was just too out there and I thought no one is that twisted.

So now I turn to you. Can someone please put me out of my misery and explain, once and for all what’s the deal?

* Knocked up

Written by Frankelstache

June 18, 2009 at 11:36 pm

I Have a Dream

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I had a dream about India
Where I was an emperor with brown skin.

Girls were feeding me grapes
I had a crown of gold around my head.

I was recreating chapters from the Kama Sutra
And was able to breath while drowning in Tikka Masala sauce.

I witnessed an elephant being raped
A man thrown into the Ganges

I danced in Bollywood
Had a red dot on my forehead.
Shopped for Saris
Ate rice
Smacked a Pakistani
Wrestled a cow.

An old man wanted my advice on life
And offered his granddaughter in return
Monks taught me how to brew
Monkeys unshackled themselves in my honor.

This is very wonderful.

I woke up in America
No grapes in the fridge
But lots of cherries in the sink.
No crown of gold
No Kama Sutra,
Elephants in the zoo
And a deer outside the window.

There’s no Ganges River
But Tikka Masala hell yeah
No Pakistanis to smack
No cows to wrestle
Saris aren’t pop.
And the rice is too gentle.

Old men seek no advice
Their granddaughter’s on Facebook
Monks vote Republican
Monkeys are used to test shampoos.

Guess I’m alright with that. Some dreams aren’t meant to change your lives. I guess.

Written by Frankelstache

June 12, 2009 at 10:49 am

Words of Wisdom

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Bible states that God almighty gave Moses the Ten Commandments on top of Mount Sinai some gazillion years ago. Some say these rudiments should be the cornerstones of every living person, whether he or she is religious or not.

But it’s been way too long now, man. Lucky for you, my friend R.D. and yours truly have come up with a list of modern-day commandments, one random night about 7 years ago while we were patrolling the Syrian / Israeli border, seeking excitement between one boar-caused alarm to the other .

Principals to live by – Part 1:

1.    Right or wrong – Bullshit with confidence.

2.    A good tractor plows through the mud.

3.    You can’t teach a father how to make babies – but you can teach him new positions.

4.    Don’t use an AK47 against Mikhail Kalashnikov.

5.    If your wife is not at hand, let your hand be your wife.

Written by Frankelstache

June 8, 2009 at 7:01 pm

Random Thought 2

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It must be really hard to be part of a Jury. You have to focus, take notes, listen and observe the people around you – all physical requierments that today’s generation seldom uses. Plus it takes very long.

I wonder if in the future Americans will judge people online.

Written by Frankelstache

June 7, 2009 at 10:31 am