Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Asians

A delayed Good Shabbas Video

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so in the past, we’ve all relished on some quality singing like this amazing vide

But now, I present to you, my friends, the newest most awesomest video involving an asian dude doing Karaoke.

Written by Frankelstache

March 8, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Good Shabbas Video

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You know, I tried. I really tried. But I just can’t find the words to describe this video. I hope you enjoy this experience.

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December 11, 2009 at 12:00 pm

How Significant Is College

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I never attended college. Heck, I barely even attended Middle School. My academic resume includes rejection and ejection from the system at age 16, and sneaking my way into a creative Portfolio Program at 23 (most likely because the owner is 134 years old and his much younger wife will accept anyone willing to issue a check). With that said, I’ve written letters on behalf of many of my friends who aspired to get accepted into various establishments, and (knock on Ron Jeremy’s wood), I have an amazing perfect success rate, thus far. I’m especially conceited due to my latest achievement, getting one of my best friends into Medical School. Good luck, EK!

Will my lack of college education thwart me as I move forward in life? Most likely it will, especially here in Uncle Sam’s land where it seems like even the dumbest living (Caucasian) organism has some sort of post high-school learning.
This got me thinking about the various degrees people obtain during their college years, and how essential those degrees are for their life.

BFA in Ancient Greek Poetry – “This degree together with my ‘Trader Joe’s’ arm tattoo and an emo haircut will give me lots of street-cred within the Hipster community. It will aid me in articulating my rage toward America’s imperialism as I scream with zealous I would move to France if I didn’t need unemployment checks.“
P.S. “Nobody gets my art.”

Undergraduate in Computer Science –  “I spent $100,000 on tuition to learn how to make a Power Point Presentation and I look forward to a life of fixing people’s emails. With my vast IT knowledge only Asians will understand me, so I’ll naturally spend most of my work conferences inside a massage parlor, begging for a happy ending.”
P.S. “I have a mohawk cause I’m a rebel, so don’t let the suit fool you, fool.”

BA in French – “Since I never left America (call me a patriot), this will be awesome. I’ll eat escargot and make love with chicks that don’t shave their armpits. Sure, I’ll miss Wal-Mart and Baseball, but hey, I’ll learn lots of pick up lines.”
P.S. “It’s Freedom Fries, motherfucker.”

Business Administration – “I took all of my classes online so I can graduate in the nude. My Professor’s avatar told me it foresees a bright future for me managing a Mickey D’s branch but I’m thinking I’m much more of a JC Penney’s type of guy.”
P.S. “My name is Jud and I’m a Phoenix.“

All jokes aside, I will still gladly change places with either of the above, make no mistake about it. I feel that not pursuing a higher education was a misstep in retrospect, especially given the new American economic reality. One of these days I’ll get my degree, though, I’m sure. Even if only to prove to myself I am capable of doing that. My college experience won’t include beer bongs, hazing or popping 18 year-old cherries. It might be the first step I take as I change careers, it might be purely for my intellectual entertainment and enrichment. One way or the other, I promise to find my old teacher’s house afterward and urinate all over the bitch’s lawn.

Written by Frankelstache

July 15, 2009 at 12:08 am

Iron Chef – Who The Hell Are You?

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Maybe it’s the lack of job opportunities and the soaring unemployment rates that gets me going here, but I’m seriously interested in learning what on earth is the role of “The Chairman” in the epic Food Network show ‘Iron Chef America’.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show’s core curriculum: there are two chefs, three judges and two reporters (among them the uber irritating Alton Brown, who knows more about food than Jenna Jamison knows about penises, only he’s not nearly as arousing and – as far as I know – he does not have a tattoo on his right ass cheek). Chefs and their teams have an hour to prepare five dishes that are later judged based on several categories till a winner is announced. That’s about it, It’s fairly uncomplicated.

Now in that mixture, someone thought it’ll be wise to throw in an odd looking Asian dude that opens every show with a somersault and rambles something about the words of his uncle as he lifts a lid at the beginning of each episode. During the show, he walks around “Kitchen Stadium” like he’s Master Splinter watching over his ninjas, galvanizing them with mystique. At the end of each culinary battle this TV vagabond even gets to try the food, which only adds to his puzzling role given that he says nothing and contributes nil to the judging process.

Who is that man and how did he land such a job? And if the fable is true about him inheriting the position from his uncle, how come nepotism is celebrated so proudly? Is this the message that the Food Network wants to deliver? It’s bad enough that they employee extraterrestrials who were sent from outer space to dumb us down (Rachel Ray) or that they provide a stage for the animal known to man as Paula Deen, cause at least they have a purpose. But this guy is an enigma, an anomaly, and yes, I’m jealous.

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June 29, 2009 at 9:31 am

Please Forgive Me

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Any person visiting America will tell you that the 1st thing that strikes him (tall buildings and black people dating Asian chicks aside) is the amount of time strangers ask for his forgiveness.

Ambling the streets or strolling any random store used to be exhausting for me. Furthermore, I suspect I started developing a mild case of guilt complex from all the aliens who engaged me in “I’m Sorry” tête-à-tête. Every time a person walked within 10 meters of me – “Excuse me.” When someone was looking at the same shirt I was checking out on the shelf – “oh, Sorry”. When my eyes met a pretty girl’s eyes and we stared at each other for a split second – “Sorry”.

Why do Americans apologize so often? Is it one of those “I was raised in a Catholic School and the nuns used to rape me with a ruler” type of cause-effect story? I admit it’s nice that people are aware of others’ space. But if the goddamn streets are crowded and you and I are walking in opposite directions, you don’t need to apologize for wanting to get home. I don’t care, really – and that does not offend me, I swear.

Or maybe that’s not it at all?

I pondered, at some point, whether all of these apologetic strangers aren’t really sorry for standing behind me on the escalator or that they’re not really shameful for smiling at me while standing in line at the grocery store. Maybe “Excuse me” actually means, “I’m here”. Maybe “Sorry” actually means, “Notice me”. If so, what is the catalyst for such behavior? Granted, walking the streets of a major US city resembles nothing. Every time I’m in Manhattan I feel like an ant, so if that’s the driving force, I guess I can understand how people seek these “I’m sorry” exchanges just so they can (in a way) scream for their existence.

Whatever the reason may be, I’d really appreciate it if the next time I’m riding the bus someone will just punch me in the face on his way to the back seats. Then he can burp, look at me with disgust and say: “America. Fuck yeah.”

Written by Frankelstache

June 22, 2009 at 10:00 am

Do We Really Have To Eat Matzah?

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Concurrently with the emerging spring comes Passover, arguably the greatest holiday in Jewish history. I love Passover mostly for the enormous amounts of food we the chosen people are required to consume (an average Seder meal contains over 4,000 calories). But Passover also has great singing, awesome storytelling and a feeling of togetherness that resembles no other. Passover also always makes me ponder about the bestselling book of all times (sources tell me that “Sarah Palin. A new Kind of Leader” is rising as 2nd on that list) – The Bible. For those of you who aren’t even loosely familiar with the Passover story: it details the slavery period of the Jewish people in Pharaoh’s Egypt and how god, via Moses, took the Jews out of Egypt, leaving tons of chaos and mayhem. It also talks about the journey from Egypt to Israel, and the cultural and religious traditions that were developed within the Jewish people during those times. If that’s not enough, here’s Wiki.

The whole ‘running away from Egypt-moseying in the desert-making up new rules for Jews to abide by‘ story continuously sounded suspicious to my ears. I’ve decided to investigate what really happened back at the day, and most importantly, why the F am I not allowed to eat bread or cake during the 7 days of Passover. Now before I begin, I’d like to confess that I came into this research with a prejudiced opinion. I didn’t really trust the whole Passover story and my initial thought was that Moses intentionally kept the Jews in the wasteland cause he was hooked up with the best hallucinating drugs money can buy. To back up my disbelief in the Passover myth, anyone who had set foot in the Egyptian desert will testify that a) the place is super small and that wasting 40 (40!!) years trying to get from there to Israel is like spending the same amount of time getting from Socal to Norcal. b) Sinay has the best marijuana imaginable and there’s no sign of Polizei anywhere around – so whatever happened there, the Jews didn’t just wander around the desert pointlessly. But anyways, lastly, I’d like to state that the following translations are accurate, however not official.

“And they will bake the dough that they took out of Egypt; a Matzah cake and not leavened food, because they were exiled from Egypt and weren’t able to dawdle. And they didn’t even prepare for the road ahead”. ‘Book of Shemot’, Chapter 12, line 39.

Now that has to be one of the biggest pieces of religious BS crap I’ve ever heard. This quote basically says that there was no time for the dough to rise as the Jews were leaving Egypt, so they took the Matzah. But according to the story, the Jews were rushed out of Egypt under massive pressure to pack only their bare essentials. i.e. themselves and their kids – no underwear, no shoes, not even enough time to update their Twitter with “Muslims are coming, must run, see ya on the other side. FML”. Now imagine that kind of stress, and tell me who in the right mind will have the balls to say “Everybody stop. We need to bake cakes”. Honestly, not even Paula Dean would come up with an idea as dumb as that. The whole thing smells like a total scam to me and this story never happened. But you be the judge.

“He who eats an un-kosher beast will wash his cloths but will remain impure till evening”. ‘Book of Vayikra’, Chapter 11, line 40.

I know that this line has to do with which animals fit with the Jewish Kosher standard, but if I may reflect the interpretation of the above to Passover and Matzah (and I may), what this line essentially says is that if I’ve committed a sin by accidentally eating a young pork wrapped in a tortilla during Passover, all I have to do in order to redeem myself is to walk to the nearest Asian laundromat, hand over 8 quarters, wash my cloths and I’m as innocent and clean as Britney Spears before she reached the age of 14. I mean that’s it, as far as I’m concerned. The Jewish establishment just shot itself in the foot cause this quote above couldn’t be any clearer. Game over. We have a lucid and unmistakable confession from the G O D, telling us that eating Kosher is forgivable via laundry!!! The prosecution rest. You can release the witnesses, fire the typist, change the judge, disassemble the juries and cancel the benefits for the court’s security team. No more Matzah for me. Ever.

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April 14, 2009 at 7:33 am

How iPhones Are Killing Our World

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The world has recently been blessed by the appearance of iPhones and their equivalents. Indeed, a great step for Man, and another proof that the Asians and their technology have won, again.

In flat advertising/marketing terms, iPhone’s ad campaign is considered really good. It shows nothing but the product and its benefits throughout the ad, it’s fun, easy and relatable. My favorite ad is the one where the narrator asks the viewers “what if you needed so and so…?” and then answers “There’s an app (application) for that.” Their tagline is “Solving life’s dilemmas, one app at a time”, which I find to be a great line from iPhone’s perspective. But what is wrong about these shenanigans is that instead of marching mankind forward, this technology is doing the opposite.

If you ask me what are life’s dilemmas, I’ll ask in return what in this world determines what happens after you die? Or how do I know if I’ve found ‘The One’? Should I move closer to my parents when they’re old or put them in a senior citizen’s home? Should I hug my baby when he cries or toughen him up by ignoring? Is it moral to tell on a friend when you know he’s cheating? Should we negotiate with terrorists in order to bring home captured soldiers? Is it okay to commit acts of violence in the name of JC or Muhammad or Moses? how come there aren’t any apps for these dilemmas?

Knowing my friend’s twitter status at any given moment isn’t really a part of (my) life’s dilemmas. And as for finding if a certain restaurant is open tonight for dinner, that’s not really a substantial issue either. I’m not saying technology isn’t glorious, I’m saying that it’s startling to see a product celebrating the fact that it will relieve you of thinking for yourself. Reminds me of when Pizza Hut celebrated the fact that their “Pizzone” has a pound of cheese in it. ONE FULL POUND OF CHEESE. And that’s a selling point – that’s the thing that will make you want to buy it and eat it. And it did. But I digress.

Pretty soon, iPhones will engage in automatic conversations with our acquaintances, giving us more time to play blackjack online and be happy with how connected we are with all of our friends (“look, I even found my high-school band on facebook!!”). Today’s kids are already way more comfortable having connections and interactions online than doing it face to face. Is it our future to be a society where human touch is nothing but an archaic concept? Is human touch doomed to end up like payphones?

Written by Frankelstache

March 25, 2009 at 11:28 am