Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Baseball

Sammy Sosa Did Steroids

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So it turns out Sammy Sosa used steroids, too.
OMFG!! I didn’t see it coming!! Of all people…in all sports….Why, Sammy, why?!?!??!

K, so let’s be straightforward for a second. This is why you Americans are deemed dumb and naïve in the eyes of the rest of the world. Roids were not tested, nor banned until the mid 2000’s, yet all these idiotic baseball fans (including some idiotic congress members) act as if their world just disintegrated like it was Brittney Spears’ panties. “How dare he?!” they ask in angst, trying to appear shocked and baffled by this unexpected controversy.

Baseball players cheat. All of them. Get over it already. This sport is a joke and your obsession with numbers and records and statistic is absurd, too – especially since baseball is a big rigged, fake joke. I’m tired of it all. Tired of hearing about it on espn. Tired of reading about it. Tired.

Turning against your former baseball heroes and blaming them for doing something completely legal at the time won’t numb the pain of not becoming a professional athlete yourself. Grow up already.

Also please cease from writing those annoying Facebook / Twitter status updates. None of you have any friends.


Written by Frankelstache

June 17, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Another Reason Why This Country is Odd

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Although in most countries Memorial Day is a sad date, where a country remembers its fallen sons, in America, Memorial Day is about BBQ and baseball. People died. Okay, bummer. Let’s go to the park and wear red hats. Now who wants a hotdog?

Written by Frankelstache

May 26, 2009 at 9:30 am

Posted in America, Humor, Life

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America’s Backbone

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Aside from Baseball and steroids, no connection in America is deeper than the one between Americans and the institution that provided them with their post high-school education. In the spirit of March Madness, I thought it’ll be wise to stop and talk about ‘College’ and its significance in American society.

Every nation needs a backbone. Something that will connect EVERYONE, an experience that one way or another had affected all during his or her lifetime. In Israel, for example, it’s the IDF. Mandatory service laws dictate that every 18-year-old Israeli boy or girl has to serve three and two years (respectively) in the national Army. Put the war issues aside, this is a great bonding experience, a true melting pot for society. It’s something every citizen can relate to, a place where everyone meet and are forced to live together and persevere. America doesn’t really have a melting pot, but College is definitely the closest one. In 2004, 52% of Americans attended college. That’s huge. But that’s barely half the country, not to mention I’m way too lazy to break the 52% into socio-economic backgrounds to get a clearer picture (I tried reading the census and failed due to severe boredom).

The reason that this occupies me is that I always felt that if it weren’t for ‘The Arabs’ who are inescapably trying to kill them, Israelis would hate each other to the point of a civil war. But lucky (or not so lucky) for Israel, the fact that the Arabs are trying to annihilate them from the face of this planet unites them. This is obviously not the best of situations, but the result, I believe, is that no other people in the world care for their fellow citizens like Israelis do. Now answer this – does anyone in Santa Monica cares for anyone in Detroit? Better yet, does anyone in Santa Monica cares for anyone in the San Fernando Valley?

How much of this dog eat dog world has to do with the capitalistic nature of Uncle Sam? Is there a fault or blame here? And who cares if there isn’t really a connection? America has done fairly well without it, so does a country even need to have a correlation between its people? And how come people get along here but can’t stop fighting elsewhere? Is it because of Woodstock? Burning Man?

It’s a tad weird to live in a place where the people are so different from each other, so disjointed and far away. I guess America is like a Paralympic Athlete: not all body parts are connected, but they somehow pull it together enough to be champions. Odd metaphor, I know. Now, if in fact ‘College’ is America’s melting pot, and if in fact we’ve established there’s some sort of Paralympics-ness involved here – isn’t it suitable that the man who represents ‘College’ (and as such, connects America) during this fine month of March is Richard ‘Dick’ Vital?

Written by Frankelstache

March 23, 2009 at 8:22 am

Old School and Social Commentary

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It had occurred to me that the classic motion picture ‘Old School’ has a lot more into it. To the untrained eye, this picture is simply (yet another) college movie about three 30+ old friends who start a fraternity and revamp their lethargic community.

But I can’t stop wondering about the subliminal messages and nuances within this fine Hollywood magnum opus. Here’s a brief intro for those of you who sinfully didn’t watch the movie:
Mitch is a 30+ male working the mundane 9-5. One day he returns home early from a doll conference and learns that his GF Heidy enjoys being gang-banged on a weekly basis. This obviously devastates Mitch, who leaves her behind and rents a house on its own, hoping for a fresh clean start.

We soon realize that Mitch has two very close friends that I’d like to outline today. Frank ’The Tank’ and Bernard ‘Binny’.

Frank The Tank, on the surface, is a man-child with a slight problem of alcoholism. However, deeming his character and its meaning as such will be an error of judgment. Frank The Tank is the embodiment of the American male and his inability to grow up post his college years. Frank’s starting point in the movie is his own wedding, and although claiming he’s ‘ready for the next step‘ Frank obviously struggles with the meanings of stepping into wedlock. Beyond just having to sexually commit to one woman for the rest of his life, Frank is terrified of growing up. He doesn’t want to see himself as an adult, and the famous “I promise my wife I won’t drink tonight cause we have a big day tomorrow…. pretty nice little Saturday; we’re going to Home Depot…Maybe Bed Bath and Beyond – I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time” scene illustrates Frank’s fear perfectly. This apparently is every guy’s worst nightmare: imagining that picking flooring for your bathtub is your week’s highlight. Following the reaction of the college dudes he’s talking to, Frank steps forward and jugs down a beer bong. Which got me thinking that there’s no denying it – being a college party animal is the American Male’s happy place. His safe zone. A place where it’s okay for him to be all those things that are taboos in America’s adult society: drunk, violent, rude, harassing, carefree, childlike, and most importantly, someone who’s allowed to make mistakes.

Mitch’s second friend, Bernard, is a whole new story. Although also terrified of growing up, Binny represents what happens to the American male as he achieves The American Dream. Binny has a hot wife (that chick from King of Queens – not that I ever watched that show), two (maybe three) children and an uber thriving and lucrative business. He had achieved, on the surface, the kind of materialistic and emotional success most of us only dream of. Bernard is nevertheless not happy because something is missing in his life, and he blames adulthood (via his wife) for the anger he has towards the world. Having reached the point in life he was told will make him content, not experiencing such feelings finds Bernard completely lost. However Binny knows and accepts he’s an adult, and usually behaves appropriately. He uncompromisingly prevents people from cursing in front of his son and chooses not to cheat on his wife when an opportunity presents itself. He also, in classic adult behavior, uses Mitch’s situation (living alone and supposedly having no worries or commitments) to live the way he wants to live – but is presumably too much of an adult to do so. And whereas this might not be something to be proud of, in my eyes, there’s no difference between Binny’s handling of Mitch to every other father who forces his son into Baseball practice, or every other mother who shoves her daughter into a beauty pageant uniform. They’re all just using others in an attempt to fulfill the same dreams they were too afraid / incapable of achieving on their own. See when we’re in our late teens-early twenties, we chase our dreams ourselves. But when we’re adults, we use and rely on others to live our dreams.

Watching Old School begs the question: Does being an adult sucks that bad? Is our life really over once we pass the age of 22? And if this is a cult movie, is anyone surprised there are so many adult males who have issues with commitments?

Written by Frankelstache

March 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm

A Few of Our Favorite Things

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The Alabama shooting made me think a little. It’s so painful and infuriating. I come from a realm of violence and unfortunately have been accustomed to live alongside random acts of murderous brutality. I guess that’s why I treat it with humor. It’s amazing what you can get used to.

It seems like if I had to rate the things Americans love the most, the list will be something like this (random order):

1.    Jesus
2.    Baseball
3.    MacDonald’s
4.    Thank You Notes
5.    Self-medicating
6.    Shooting Innocent People

Let’s take a closer look.

Jesus Christ – Jesus was born a Jew. Among his various accomplishments, JC walked on water and created this little thing called Christianity, which is why Americans love him. They thank him all the freaking time and often do things in his name or his behalf. JC loves me. I know because the bum outside the subway station told me so. I also know that Jesus would’ve fixed many things, but most likely, he would’ve preferred 34DD blonds named after him instead of all these little Mexicans.

Baseball – Americans love baseball because anyone can play. It doesn’t require speed, height or any other athletic criteria. All you gotta do is chew tobacco and make semi-inappropriate hand gestures. Baseball is a game of numbers, which is great for Americans cause it gives them a sense of control. Moreover, since most American men are underdeveloped, baseball is perfect for their ‘Fantasy Leagues‘, a subject worthy of its own post.

Micky D’s – How could people love something that’s so bad for them? The guy from ‘Supersize Me’ claims that it’s mostly due to MD’s marketing. His theory is that MD brings back good memories for Americans, to times when they were happy and joyful with their families. That MacDonald’s is America’s ‘happy place’. You know I thought about it: It’s cheap, calorific, doesn’t taste good and can also cause a heart attack. Which are also the characterizations of an old stripper. At least MD won’t give you a yeast infection.

Thank You NotesThis is where my narcissistic ass links to my own old posts.

Self-medicating – America is very accepting. Everyone has a place and everyone has rights (excluding the gays). In order to make people feel better about life, Americans had mastered the art of coming up with weird diseases and physical definitions, making it okay for you to be who you are, providing you consume the appropriate types of drugs. HIV and other real diseases aside, there is a cure for everything in America, whether you pee five times an hour, lacking on B12 vitamin or plain autistic. Along came Self-medicating, and now we can all live in harmony.

Shooting Innocent People – I don’t know why this is so common in America. These days, in almost every country in the world, innocent people die because of fundamentalist terrorists, so you’d think that these indiscriminating fanatics would leave us alone and just shoot themselves to begin with.
Is it better to die by the hands of a terrorist, who’s at least someone else’s freedom fighter, than by the hands of a random maniac? I don’t know. And I don’t think anyone in Illinois, Columbine, Virginia or Alabama (from the top of my head) cares. It’s all the same shit. Sometimes, this world really sucks.

Update: Just read there was a random shooting in Germany as well.

Written by Frankelstache

March 11, 2009 at 8:42 am