Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘College

How Significant Is College

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I never attended college. Heck, I barely even attended Middle School. My academic resume includes rejection and ejection from the system at age 16, and sneaking my way into a creative Portfolio Program at 23 (most likely because the owner is 134 years old and his much younger wife will accept anyone willing to issue a check). With that said, I’ve written letters on behalf of many of my friends who aspired to get accepted into various establishments, and (knock on Ron Jeremy’s wood), I have an amazing perfect success rate, thus far. I’m especially conceited due to my latest achievement, getting one of my best friends into Medical School. Good luck, EK!

Will my lack of college education thwart me as I move forward in life? Most likely it will, especially here in Uncle Sam’s land where it seems like even the dumbest living (Caucasian) organism has some sort of post high-school learning.
This got me thinking about the various degrees people obtain during their college years, and how essential those degrees are for their life.

BFA in Ancient Greek Poetry – “This degree together with my ‘Trader Joe’s’ arm tattoo and an emo haircut will give me lots of street-cred within the Hipster community. It will aid me in articulating my rage toward America’s imperialism as I scream with zealous I would move to France if I didn’t need unemployment checks.“
P.S. “Nobody gets my art.”

Undergraduate in Computer Science –  “I spent $100,000 on tuition to learn how to make a Power Point Presentation and I look forward to a life of fixing people’s emails. With my vast IT knowledge only Asians will understand me, so I’ll naturally spend most of my work conferences inside a massage parlor, begging for a happy ending.”
P.S. “I have a mohawk cause I’m a rebel, so don’t let the suit fool you, fool.”

BA in French – “Since I never left America (call me a patriot), this will be awesome. I’ll eat escargot and make love with chicks that don’t shave their armpits. Sure, I’ll miss Wal-Mart and Baseball, but hey, I’ll learn lots of pick up lines.”
P.S. “It’s Freedom Fries, motherfucker.”

Business Administration – “I took all of my classes online so I can graduate in the nude. My Professor’s avatar told me it foresees a bright future for me managing a Mickey D’s branch but I’m thinking I’m much more of a JC Penney’s type of guy.”
P.S. “My name is Jud and I’m a Phoenix.“

All jokes aside, I will still gladly change places with either of the above, make no mistake about it. I feel that not pursuing a higher education was a misstep in retrospect, especially given the new American economic reality. One of these days I’ll get my degree, though, I’m sure. Even if only to prove to myself I am capable of doing that. My college experience won’t include beer bongs, hazing or popping 18 year-old cherries. It might be the first step I take as I change careers, it might be purely for my intellectual entertainment and enrichment. One way or the other, I promise to find my old teacher’s house afterward and urinate all over the bitch’s lawn.


Written by Frankelstache

July 15, 2009 at 12:08 am

Weddings…American Weddings

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Many books / scripts / songs and jokes were already written on the mental state of the majority of women when their own / their daughters’ wedding is looming.

The woman I love (and her beloved mother) is by no means bridezilla, but she does, however, share a thing or twelve with all those chicks you see on that TV show bout brides. But I digress, cause, this isn’t about the woman I love, or her beloved mother.

So who are you supposed to invite to your wedding?
Traditionally, your parents invite and know more people than you do in your own wedding, and ‘their’ people are often a bunch of ancient old ladies they haven’t seen in ages, but they felt like they had to invite them because “if grandma was alive she’d say it’s unacceptable to not invite them.”.

Well guess what, grandma is dead. In fact, she’s been dead for so long I’m not even sure Larry King had his Bar Mitzvah before she perished. And guess what else, it doesn’t make any sense to invite people you haven’t been in contact with for decades.

I understand that people get really attached to the ones they grew up with, and that some believe that their college roommate from sophomore year is, in fact, their BFF. But I just don’t get the idea of inviting people you probably won’t be able to communicate with for more than three minutes, just because you were once best buddies. And trust me, this is coming from a very loyal person who is in touch with many old friends. Doesn’t it make more sense to just have a giant meal with your small circle of uber important people? Does it have to be a family, neighborhood and college reunion all at the same time, on your father’s expense?

Maybe I don’t get it cause i’m not a girl, and i never grew up waiting for the day when I can feel like the most special woman in the entire world.

Either way, my love for The Woman I Love is so big…i’m willing to go along (lovingly) with anything that’ll make her happy. Damn I’m such a wuss.

Written by Frankelstache

May 27, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Random Thought

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Slutty girls often end up dropping out of college due to unexpected pregnancy.

Being a risk taker never pays off.

Written by Frankelstache

May 26, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Posted in Humor, Random, SEX

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May Day

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So today is the day of the worker, a holiday that emerged out of the beliefs of Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and their partners in crime. This being America, no one really knows what does that mean. Having spent (some part of) my day wearing a red shirt, receiving no signs of public acknowledgment or appreciation, I began to ponder where this country is heading. Calling someone a ‘commie’ was once the English language’s worst abuse, an honor that’s now reserved to the word ‘cunt’. Being a commie was essentially being a traitor – dooming you to be hang by the KKK as if you were a gay Jewish African American who also has one chromosome too much.

But now these days are gone and Obama is the King of America. Many people, most of them reside within the Fox News studios, are blaming Obama for driving this country into communism, socialism, fascism and yes, I heard it with my own ears – Jihadism. Amazing. So this begs the question: Is it so bad to be a tad socialistic? Will America crumble as soon as its capitalistic heart will miss a beat? I mean seriously, what will happen?  Texans will cease from speaking with an accent?  Black people will go to College? Sizzler will unite with Lululemon? Californian will vote for a Republican, twice? Hipsters will gain weight? Peace in the Middle East? Vesuvius will erupt? Bums will win American Idol? Hollywood will be run by apes? Oprah will have a panic attack?

What’s the deal?

America’s Backbone

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Aside from Baseball and steroids, no connection in America is deeper than the one between Americans and the institution that provided them with their post high-school education. In the spirit of March Madness, I thought it’ll be wise to stop and talk about ‘College’ and its significance in American society.

Every nation needs a backbone. Something that will connect EVERYONE, an experience that one way or another had affected all during his or her lifetime. In Israel, for example, it’s the IDF. Mandatory service laws dictate that every 18-year-old Israeli boy or girl has to serve three and two years (respectively) in the national Army. Put the war issues aside, this is a great bonding experience, a true melting pot for society. It’s something every citizen can relate to, a place where everyone meet and are forced to live together and persevere. America doesn’t really have a melting pot, but College is definitely the closest one. In 2004, 52% of Americans attended college. That’s huge. But that’s barely half the country, not to mention I’m way too lazy to break the 52% into socio-economic backgrounds to get a clearer picture (I tried reading the census and failed due to severe boredom).

The reason that this occupies me is that I always felt that if it weren’t for ‘The Arabs’ who are inescapably trying to kill them, Israelis would hate each other to the point of a civil war. But lucky (or not so lucky) for Israel, the fact that the Arabs are trying to annihilate them from the face of this planet unites them. This is obviously not the best of situations, but the result, I believe, is that no other people in the world care for their fellow citizens like Israelis do. Now answer this – does anyone in Santa Monica cares for anyone in Detroit? Better yet, does anyone in Santa Monica cares for anyone in the San Fernando Valley?

How much of this dog eat dog world has to do with the capitalistic nature of Uncle Sam? Is there a fault or blame here? And who cares if there isn’t really a connection? America has done fairly well without it, so does a country even need to have a correlation between its people? And how come people get along here but can’t stop fighting elsewhere? Is it because of Woodstock? Burning Man?

It’s a tad weird to live in a place where the people are so different from each other, so disjointed and far away. I guess America is like a Paralympic Athlete: not all body parts are connected, but they somehow pull it together enough to be champions. Odd metaphor, I know. Now, if in fact ‘College’ is America’s melting pot, and if in fact we’ve established there’s some sort of Paralympics-ness involved here – isn’t it suitable that the man who represents ‘College’ (and as such, connects America) during this fine month of March is Richard ‘Dick’ Vital?

Written by Frankelstache

March 23, 2009 at 8:22 am

Old School and Social Commentary

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It had occurred to me that the classic motion picture ‘Old School’ has a lot more into it. To the untrained eye, this picture is simply (yet another) college movie about three 30+ old friends who start a fraternity and revamp their lethargic community.

But I can’t stop wondering about the subliminal messages and nuances within this fine Hollywood magnum opus. Here’s a brief intro for those of you who sinfully didn’t watch the movie:
Mitch is a 30+ male working the mundane 9-5. One day he returns home early from a doll conference and learns that his GF Heidy enjoys being gang-banged on a weekly basis. This obviously devastates Mitch, who leaves her behind and rents a house on its own, hoping for a fresh clean start.

We soon realize that Mitch has two very close friends that I’d like to outline today. Frank ’The Tank’ and Bernard ‘Binny’.

Frank The Tank, on the surface, is a man-child with a slight problem of alcoholism. However, deeming his character and its meaning as such will be an error of judgment. Frank The Tank is the embodiment of the American male and his inability to grow up post his college years. Frank’s starting point in the movie is his own wedding, and although claiming he’s ‘ready for the next step‘ Frank obviously struggles with the meanings of stepping into wedlock. Beyond just having to sexually commit to one woman for the rest of his life, Frank is terrified of growing up. He doesn’t want to see himself as an adult, and the famous “I promise my wife I won’t drink tonight cause we have a big day tomorrow…. pretty nice little Saturday; we’re going to Home Depot…Maybe Bed Bath and Beyond – I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time” scene illustrates Frank’s fear perfectly. This apparently is every guy’s worst nightmare: imagining that picking flooring for your bathtub is your week’s highlight. Following the reaction of the college dudes he’s talking to, Frank steps forward and jugs down a beer bong. Which got me thinking that there’s no denying it – being a college party animal is the American Male’s happy place. His safe zone. A place where it’s okay for him to be all those things that are taboos in America’s adult society: drunk, violent, rude, harassing, carefree, childlike, and most importantly, someone who’s allowed to make mistakes.

Mitch’s second friend, Bernard, is a whole new story. Although also terrified of growing up, Binny represents what happens to the American male as he achieves The American Dream. Binny has a hot wife (that chick from King of Queens – not that I ever watched that show), two (maybe three) children and an uber thriving and lucrative business. He had achieved, on the surface, the kind of materialistic and emotional success most of us only dream of. Bernard is nevertheless not happy because something is missing in his life, and he blames adulthood (via his wife) for the anger he has towards the world. Having reached the point in life he was told will make him content, not experiencing such feelings finds Bernard completely lost. However Binny knows and accepts he’s an adult, and usually behaves appropriately. He uncompromisingly prevents people from cursing in front of his son and chooses not to cheat on his wife when an opportunity presents itself. He also, in classic adult behavior, uses Mitch’s situation (living alone and supposedly having no worries or commitments) to live the way he wants to live – but is presumably too much of an adult to do so. And whereas this might not be something to be proud of, in my eyes, there’s no difference between Binny’s handling of Mitch to every other father who forces his son into Baseball practice, or every other mother who shoves her daughter into a beauty pageant uniform. They’re all just using others in an attempt to fulfill the same dreams they were too afraid / incapable of achieving on their own. See when we’re in our late teens-early twenties, we chase our dreams ourselves. But when we’re adults, we use and rely on others to live our dreams.

Watching Old School begs the question: Does being an adult sucks that bad? Is our life really over once we pass the age of 22? And if this is a cult movie, is anyone surprised there are so many adult males who have issues with commitments?

Written by Frankelstache

March 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm