Frankelstache

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Posts Tagged ‘Egypt

Do We Really Have To Eat Matzah?

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Concurrently with the emerging spring comes Passover, arguably the greatest holiday in Jewish history. I love Passover mostly for the enormous amounts of food we the chosen people are required to consume (an average Seder meal contains over 4,000 calories). But Passover also has great singing, awesome storytelling and a feeling of togetherness that resembles no other. Passover also always makes me ponder about the bestselling book of all times (sources tell me that “Sarah Palin. A new Kind of Leader” is rising as 2nd on that list) – The Bible. For those of you who aren’t even loosely familiar with the Passover story: it details the slavery period of the Jewish people in Pharaoh’s Egypt and how god, via Moses, took the Jews out of Egypt, leaving tons of chaos and mayhem. It also talks about the journey from Egypt to Israel, and the cultural and religious traditions that were developed within the Jewish people during those times. If that’s not enough, here’s Wiki.

The whole ‘running away from Egypt-moseying in the desert-making up new rules for Jews to abide by‘ story continuously sounded suspicious to my ears. I’ve decided to investigate what really happened back at the day, and most importantly, why the F am I not allowed to eat bread or cake during the 7 days of Passover. Now before I begin, I’d like to confess that I came into this research with a prejudiced opinion. I didn’t really trust the whole Passover story and my initial thought was that Moses intentionally kept the Jews in the wasteland cause he was hooked up with the best hallucinating drugs money can buy. To back up my disbelief in the Passover myth, anyone who had set foot in the Egyptian desert will testify that a) the place is super small and that wasting 40 (40!!) years trying to get from there to Israel is like spending the same amount of time getting from Socal to Norcal. b) Sinay has the best marijuana imaginable and there’s no sign of Polizei anywhere around – so whatever happened there, the Jews didn’t just wander around the desert pointlessly. But anyways, lastly, I’d like to state that the following translations are accurate, however not official.

“And they will bake the dough that they took out of Egypt; a Matzah cake and not leavened food, because they were exiled from Egypt and weren’t able to dawdle. And they didn’t even prepare for the road ahead”. ‘Book of Shemot’, Chapter 12, line 39.

Now that has to be one of the biggest pieces of religious BS crap I’ve ever heard. This quote basically says that there was no time for the dough to rise as the Jews were leaving Egypt, so they took the Matzah. But according to the story, the Jews were rushed out of Egypt under massive pressure to pack only their bare essentials. i.e. themselves and their kids – no underwear, no shoes, not even enough time to update their Twitter with “Muslims are coming, must run, see ya on the other side. FML”. Now imagine that kind of stress, and tell me who in the right mind will have the balls to say “Everybody stop. We need to bake cakes”. Honestly, not even Paula Dean would come up with an idea as dumb as that. The whole thing smells like a total scam to me and this story never happened. But you be the judge.

“He who eats an un-kosher beast will wash his cloths but will remain impure till evening”. ‘Book of Vayikra’, Chapter 11, line 40.

I know that this line has to do with which animals fit with the Jewish Kosher standard, but if I may reflect the interpretation of the above to Passover and Matzah (and I may), what this line essentially says is that if I’ve committed a sin by accidentally eating a young pork wrapped in a tortilla during Passover, all I have to do in order to redeem myself is to walk to the nearest Asian laundromat, hand over 8 quarters, wash my cloths and I’m as innocent and clean as Britney Spears before she reached the age of 14. I mean that’s it, as far as I’m concerned. The Jewish establishment just shot itself in the foot cause this quote above couldn’t be any clearer. Game over. We have a lucid and unmistakable confession from the G O D, telling us that eating Kosher is forgivable via laundry!!! The prosecution rest. You can release the witnesses, fire the typist, change the judge, disassemble the juries and cancel the benefits for the court’s security team. No more Matzah for me. Ever.

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Written by Frankelstache

April 14, 2009 at 7:33 am