Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘English

English is an Ubber Odd Language

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Hello all and welcome back to today’s episode of the Frankelstache’s misunderstandings with English.

So in America, when a person says: “Damn, I’d kill for a Burrito right now.” the people around him conclude that that person is really craving a Burrito.

My personal and completely normal conclusion was that given that murder is the highest rated offense (punishment wise), I can proudly announce: “Damn, I’d sodomize a 12 year-old for a Burrito right now.”

That didn’t go so well.

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January 15, 2010 at 12:05 am

The Frankelstache English Dictionary, Take 12

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Napcident – Nap – Ci – Dent

“An accidental nap”.

You know when you’re laying on your couch at home reading a book or watching reality trash on tv? Maybe your head is against a nice pillow… there’s a blanket at hand…?

You didn’t get on the couch with sleeping intent, yet all of a sudden, snoozing simply feels like the right thing to do.

And then you fall asleep for anywhere between 20 minutes and 2 hours?

Well my friend, you’ve just experienced a Napcident.

Written by Frankelstache

November 12, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Posted in Language

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More English Issues

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After offering my advice to the English language here and expressing my opinions here, I’d like to continue with some verbal / literal issues, if you may.

The thing is, some word combinations are kinda odd, to be frank, especially when they appear to resemble a different word – I’ll explain:Take the term ‘Laundry Detergent’. I say, why not call it ‘Laundry Degenerate’. There’s even a logical explanation hiding here in the bushes – what this material actually does is to degenerate the original colors of the fabric you’re using. Not to mention, the more laundries your shirt gets, the more of a degenerate you look like wearing it.

The definition ‘Speech Impediment’ is also very wrong. Why not make it ‘Speech Amendment’? People who stutter have a right to speak as they please. A prerogative that esentialy embodies the attitude of “MMMind your own business mmmmmutherfucker. I I I I will trip over my tongue as much as I want”.

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September 4, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Posted in America, Humor, Language

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CUTE or GROSS?

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So I thought to myself what will happen if I combine a really heinous word that reeks of grossness with a word that just screams positivism and cuteness. Which word / association would prevail? Can we draw a bulletproof conclusion from these examples? All of that (and more) – right here, right now.

 

So…is it CUTE or is it GROSS?

(I shall give you my opinions, too)

 

 

“Baby poop”I say cute. True, poops can be nasty, especially after a visit to the local Taqueria (or better yet, Indian buffet), but the word ‘Baby’ is simply too powerful. I do realize, however, that some people find babies to be horribly gross, but those are exactly the kind of people who treat their excrement as god’s gift – so cute still prevails.

 

“Puppy vomit”I say gross. Puppies are usually very alluring with their sweet eyes and wagging tails and perplexed looks right after you ask them “what gave you the idea that my purse is a good place for you to urinate in?!” so you’d think that this word’s cuteness would emerge victorious. Except that vomit is so vile and sickening, the sheer smell of it inside my imagination right now is enough to win this battle.

 

“Anal cuddle”I say I don’t know.

 

“Good Samaritan with hemorrhoids”I say gross. I keep thinking about a Jehovah Witness knocking on doors asking if he can take a dump at random people’s houses, making their restroom filthy . I can’t explain why I’m thinking about it, but it’s definitely gross.

 

“Transsexual Marionette”I say cute. Well, more funny than cute, I guess. Trannies actually freak me out a little in real life, especially my neighbor for a floor below. But the thought of a marionette with a ballet skirt / outfit and a giant penis is kinda funny.

 

“Sweet semen”I say gross. Or maybe it’s because I’m a guy? Would any lady  / Castro resident disagree? I heard (yes, only heard) that it’s suppose to be salty, so in that case maybe the above combo is cute. Can someone enlighten me here, please?

 

This is all for now. Next time we’ll play this game with celebrity couples. Oh, and since this is the age of interactivity, I’d like to ask for your comments and opinions below.

Written by Frankelstache

August 20, 2009 at 9:56 am

Posted in Humor, Lists, Random

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Words Words Words

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As a favor to my best friend Miriam Webster, here are a few new words I wanted to introduce to the English language:

“Forgicate” – to forge fornication. “He’s such a forgicator. What a loser.”

“Lefting” – describing the act of turning left. “I’m lefting at 9th street and will be there to smack your mamma in a minute.”

“Peacing” –saying goodbye. “I’ll be in the car soon LaMel, we’re just peacing.”

“Schnitzeled” – someone with severe sun burns. “Went to the beach this weekend and got totally schnitzeled.”

“Douchtastic” – a fantastic douchbag. “That polo shirt mixed with your Stanford degree is douchtastic.”

I love you Miriam, hopefully you’re as hot in real life as I imagine you to be.

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August 4, 2009 at 12:53 pm

Anal-ism

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Something’s been bugging me for a while now. Not really sure why I remembered it all of a sudden. It’s late, I’m watching an MTV show about 16 year old White Trash girls that got Britney-ied* and I guess you could say I’m still under the influences of Queen, that’s been playing in the background for the past hour.

At any case, I have another English inquiry I wanted to talk about. You know I came to America a tad less than three years ago thinking / knowing that the word ‘Anal’ has to do with one’s anus, and is more often than not used when describing an activity closely related to but-banging. Faster than the time it takes a republican to answer ‘Jesus’ when asked who’s got his back, I learned that ‘Anal’ isn’t a language taboo, but actually socially accepted – and can, at certain occasions, be seen as a compliment.

Time had passed and I learned more and more about the American use of the English language. I avidly read Krakuer’s awesome books, surreptitiously studied H. Fleming’s eye-opening poetry and diligently watched a few Hannah Montana episodes, yet the story behind Anal’s transition from a sodomy-descriptive adjective to an allegory illustrating a detailed-oriented / control-freak person has yet to exposed itself in front of my daunted eyes.

The first explanation I came up with was that apparently all these Librarians / OCD Soccer Moms must really like it up the ass. But that seemed like a bigger urban legend than “Woody Allen used to make great movies” so I decided to forego it. Then I thought that maybe it’s because the anus is a very tight and squeezed place, and that so-called ‘anal’ people really enjoy small and tight places cause they can fit things inside of it (by category) and label it perfectly. But that, too, sounded like a far-fetched idea. Lastly, I went as far as exploring the possibility that the correlation between the two uses stems from the fact that a vagina lubes itself free-willingly (well, somewhat) while the ass’s lubrication levels can and must be controlled – and anal people like control. But that was just too out there and I thought no one is that twisted.

So now I turn to you. Can someone please put me out of my misery and explain, once and for all what’s the deal?

* Knocked up

Written by Frankelstache

June 18, 2009 at 11:36 pm

May Day

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So today is the day of the worker, a holiday that emerged out of the beliefs of Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and their partners in crime. This being America, no one really knows what does that mean. Having spent (some part of) my day wearing a red shirt, receiving no signs of public acknowledgment or appreciation, I began to ponder where this country is heading. Calling someone a ‘commie’ was once the English language’s worst abuse, an honor that’s now reserved to the word ‘cunt’. Being a commie was essentially being a traitor – dooming you to be hang by the KKK as if you were a gay Jewish African American who also has one chromosome too much.

But now these days are gone and Obama is the King of America. Many people, most of them reside within the Fox News studios, are blaming Obama for driving this country into communism, socialism, fascism and yes, I heard it with my own ears – Jihadism. Amazing. So this begs the question: Is it so bad to be a tad socialistic? Will America crumble as soon as its capitalistic heart will miss a beat? I mean seriously, what will happen?  Texans will cease from speaking with an accent?  Black people will go to College? Sizzler will unite with Lululemon? Californian will vote for a Republican, twice? Hipsters will gain weight? Peace in the Middle East? Vesuvius will erupt? Bums will win American Idol? Hollywood will be run by apes? Oprah will have a panic attack?

What’s the deal?