Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Future

How Significant Is College

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I never attended college. Heck, I barely even attended Middle School. My academic resume includes rejection and ejection from the system at age 16, and sneaking my way into a creative Portfolio Program at 23 (most likely because the owner is 134 years old and his much younger wife will accept anyone willing to issue a check). With that said, I’ve written letters on behalf of many of my friends who aspired to get accepted into various establishments, and (knock on Ron Jeremy’s wood), I have an amazing perfect success rate, thus far. I’m especially conceited due to my latest achievement, getting one of my best friends into Medical School. Good luck, EK!

Will my lack of college education thwart me as I move forward in life? Most likely it will, especially here in Uncle Sam’s land where it seems like even the dumbest living (Caucasian) organism has some sort of post high-school learning.
This got me thinking about the various degrees people obtain during their college years, and how essential those degrees are for their life.

BFA in Ancient Greek Poetry – “This degree together with my ‘Trader Joe’s’ arm tattoo and an emo haircut will give me lots of street-cred within the Hipster community. It will aid me in articulating my rage toward America’s imperialism as I scream with zealous I would move to France if I didn’t need unemployment checks.“
P.S. “Nobody gets my art.”

Undergraduate in Computer Science –  “I spent $100,000 on tuition to learn how to make a Power Point Presentation and I look forward to a life of fixing people’s emails. With my vast IT knowledge only Asians will understand me, so I’ll naturally spend most of my work conferences inside a massage parlor, begging for a happy ending.”
P.S. “I have a mohawk cause I’m a rebel, so don’t let the suit fool you, fool.”

BA in French – “Since I never left America (call me a patriot), this will be awesome. I’ll eat escargot and make love with chicks that don’t shave their armpits. Sure, I’ll miss Wal-Mart and Baseball, but hey, I’ll learn lots of pick up lines.”
P.S. “It’s Freedom Fries, motherfucker.”

Business Administration – “I took all of my classes online so I can graduate in the nude. My Professor’s avatar told me it foresees a bright future for me managing a Mickey D’s branch but I’m thinking I’m much more of a JC Penney’s type of guy.”
P.S. “My name is Jud and I’m a Phoenix.“

All jokes aside, I will still gladly change places with either of the above, make no mistake about it. I feel that not pursuing a higher education was a misstep in retrospect, especially given the new American economic reality. One of these days I’ll get my degree, though, I’m sure. Even if only to prove to myself I am capable of doing that. My college experience won’t include beer bongs, hazing or popping 18 year-old cherries. It might be the first step I take as I change careers, it might be purely for my intellectual entertainment and enrichment. One way or the other, I promise to find my old teacher’s house afterward and urinate all over the bitch’s lawn.

Written by Frankelstache

July 15, 2009 at 12:08 am

Death Comes To Us All

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For tragic reasons, for the past week I kept hearing “This is how / what he would have wanted it”, “He died happy, doing something he love”, “he would have hated this”, “He would have loved that”.

More often than not, when someone close to us dies we’re pretty dead on sure what / how he / she would have wanted his / her death to be treated. Or do we really?

So today I wanted to write about how I would want the Frankelstache aftermath to look like, and on the way make some clarifications bout how, why and were I want to be when it’s time for me to send myself back to god knows where.

1st, I really want people to get drunk and feast like there’s no tomorrow. Heck, I’ll even put some money aside in my will to sponsor my own funeral and assure it’s catered with some mouthwatering pork ribs, and screw all of my religious Jew / Muslim friends. Hopefully they’ll be too drunk to say ‘no’ anyhow.
2nd, I don’t want anyone to write anything on my Facebook wall once I’ve departed. If we were Facebook friends, then there’s an 80% we’re not really friends anyhow, so do us all a favor and save your typing fingers for some quality porn sites.
3rd, in terms of cause / location, I always said that I’d prefer saying my farewells after either a good steak, a wonderful dump or an epic intercourse session. The thing is, perishing during a meal means choking, which isn’t fun based on all the fish I’ve slaughtered when I was young. Dying in the restroom could be very messy not to mention smelly, and dropping while banging could leave The Woman I Love pretty traumatized, which isn’t a nice thing to do to her lovely heart.
I guess I need to think about this a tad more before I make a decision.

4th, I want to die knowing I’ve chased my dreams and have achieved them. Want to go knowing I chose life, and that I steered the Frankelstache ship all the way through, even if it crashed once, twice or twelve times. I take no consolation in hearing that those who die young were full of potential, up-and-coming and ready to take over the world. Fuck that shit. Potential is what people say you have when they don’t want to tell you that right now, you suck. So lastly, I want to die old and be buried back home, at the Kibbutz.

I wish everyone that reads this (including myself) decades of health and love.

Written by Frankelstache

July 9, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Posted in Life, Random

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Random Thought 2

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It must be really hard to be part of a Jury. You have to focus, take notes, listen and observe the people around you – all physical requierments that today’s generation seldom uses. Plus it takes very long.

I wonder if in the future Americans will judge people online.

Written by Frankelstache

June 7, 2009 at 10:31 am

Oh Carolina

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The road is so dark, I can barely see more than 50 meters ahead of me. I pull over to urinate about 40 minutes southeast of Charlotte, and as I unzip my pants I hear an odd sound emerging from the bushes, and recognize the silhouette of a giant deer running away shortly after. It’s 1:30AM, and I’m literally in the middle of nowhere. I look far ahead to see a sign declaring: “God is good. Always” underneath a small church, and note to myself that this is the 5th of these lighted banners I’ve seen since my drive began.

Three days later, my views of America and of Americans had changed dramatically. Excluding a short visit to Fort Lauderdale, this Carolina venture has deflowered me and my innocent perception of the US of A. I’ve heard / read / watched endless tales and legends about “how it’s like in the South”, yet, when my eyes encountered it in real life, I was partly baffled. On Sunday evening I made my way to a local bar alongside Little River on the footsteps of Myrtle Beach, stumbling upon a pack of rednecks, bikers, obese people, little kids, slutty fake-haired blondes and Jesus Christ, tattooed on every 2nd person’s body. All the men are tall and gorgeous. Women are either redhead or platinum blonde, with blue eyes and short skirts. It’s 90+ degrees, the scent of honeysuckle and the ocean is filling my nostrils, and everybody appear to be completely content leading a life that essentially consists of lunches at Ruby Tuesdays and fried chicken with a cold PBR for dinner. So, is this the real America?

The South is so different. It’s poles apart than, say, my beloved San Francisco. A sense of small town mentality rules the atmosphere and people don’t care for much but living the moment. Or do they? I saw the same people wherever I went, and they seemed familiar with all and sundry around them. Lots of Army stickers glued to cars, and from some reason, ‘Hibachi style cooking’ is big here. I saw no “Apple” Paraphernalia, and though I might sound like a jerk for saying this, from a few conversations I had with the natives, people didn’t seem too educated, or even a tad aware of anything happening beyond this small South Carolina town. I thought about it a little, and couldn’t really decide if these people are genuinely satisfied with what they have, and they live in this bubble, drinking excessively and behave the way they do in order to celebrate their existence, or are they miserable, and their demeanor is an attempt of escaping this horrible, no future – no present life?

I’m still thinking about it.

Written by Frankelstache

May 12, 2009 at 3:31 pm

How iPhones Are Killing Our World

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The world has recently been blessed by the appearance of iPhones and their equivalents. Indeed, a great step for Man, and another proof that the Asians and their technology have won, again.

In flat advertising/marketing terms, iPhone’s ad campaign is considered really good. It shows nothing but the product and its benefits throughout the ad, it’s fun, easy and relatable. My favorite ad is the one where the narrator asks the viewers “what if you needed so and so…?” and then answers “There’s an app (application) for that.” Their tagline is “Solving life’s dilemmas, one app at a time”, which I find to be a great line from iPhone’s perspective. But what is wrong about these shenanigans is that instead of marching mankind forward, this technology is doing the opposite.

If you ask me what are life’s dilemmas, I’ll ask in return what in this world determines what happens after you die? Or how do I know if I’ve found ‘The One’? Should I move closer to my parents when they’re old or put them in a senior citizen’s home? Should I hug my baby when he cries or toughen him up by ignoring? Is it moral to tell on a friend when you know he’s cheating? Should we negotiate with terrorists in order to bring home captured soldiers? Is it okay to commit acts of violence in the name of JC or Muhammad or Moses? how come there aren’t any apps for these dilemmas?

Knowing my friend’s twitter status at any given moment isn’t really a part of (my) life’s dilemmas. And as for finding if a certain restaurant is open tonight for dinner, that’s not really a substantial issue either. I’m not saying technology isn’t glorious, I’m saying that it’s startling to see a product celebrating the fact that it will relieve you of thinking for yourself. Reminds me of when Pizza Hut celebrated the fact that their “Pizzone” has a pound of cheese in it. ONE FULL POUND OF CHEESE. And that’s a selling point – that’s the thing that will make you want to buy it and eat it. And it did. But I digress.

Pretty soon, iPhones will engage in automatic conversations with our acquaintances, giving us more time to play blackjack online and be happy with how connected we are with all of our friends (“look, I even found my high-school band on facebook!!”). Today’s kids are already way more comfortable having connections and interactions online than doing it face to face. Is it our future to be a society where human touch is nothing but an archaic concept? Is human touch doomed to end up like payphones?

Written by Frankelstache

March 25, 2009 at 11:28 am

Things That Are Bound To Happen

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“The only certainty in life is death”, goes the cliché’. I really hate cliché’s.
I can see and understand society’s need for cliché’s, but me being insecure in my originality and individuality (the result of growing up in a commune) makes me vigorously and automatically oppose anything that’s structured and predestined. Lucky enough, back at the day Al Gore helped creating this little thing called the World Wide Web, and here we are today inside this spectacular blog platform.

It brings me great joy when I am able to refute a preexistent perception, and therefore I would like to tackle the cliché’ positioned at the top of today’s post. I might have to use other truisms in order to negate it, but nobody said that’s not allowed.

Certainty 1: The husband will always screw the babysitter.
From Jane Eyre to David Beckham, bringing a younger woman to take care of your toddlers is like going to the Cheesecake factory while on a diet. If I were a mom, I would rather let Theodore Kaczynski take care of my kids than welcoming a youthful chick into my abode. Granted, men are horrible, but even my inner-woman* knows that the only thing lamer than a slimy man is that slut who was easily manipulated to join him in the bedroom. Wives, don’t act surprised if one day it’ll happen to you, too. If you must get a nanny, make sure she’s a survivor of either Chernobyl or Hiroshima. That way she’ll be so old and damaged even Bill Clinton wouldn’t wanna do her.

Certainty 2: Asian people will always travel in packs.
Whether it’s when they’re touring a new city, dancing in a club, walking to the restroom, shopping, or their absolute favorite: standing in a random line – those little cats are always in a group. One of my good friends suggested that’s it’s because they are both small and shy, so they work better as a group. Makes sense to me, but even so, it kinda bugs me that I always encounter them on a mass scale. It’ll be nice to meet just one of them every now or then, or at least see one mingles in a more diverse assemblage. Good news is that Asian women do a good job fueling many orgy fantasies, I’ll give em that.

Certainty 3: Kids will tell jokes you will never understand.
This has recently been validated inside my head in the daycare I volunteer at. You know, I’ve met my share of not so hilarious adults, but kids are something else. They have the worst sense of humor ever. They’re jokes aren’t even jokes. It’s usually a dumb question like ‘what did the cow told the chicken?” and the answer/punch line is usually something like “Your feathers smell”. At first I thought it was only me who isn’t getting it, but throughout the years I’ve learned that it’s actually those kids who don’t.

Certainty 4: People with an accent will always appear dumber.
This is a cross-cultural, intercontinental and multilingual certainty. Hear a girl speak Spanish with an American accent and you’ll automatically assume you can convince her you’re worth a lay. Hear a guy speak English with a Southern accent and you’ll instantly be willing to bet your savings you’ll defeat him hands down in a trivia challenge. This certainty, however, does not include people with a British accent cause for some reason that makes people sound smarter. Which is peculiar, to say the least, cause most Brits are drunks who never left their hometown, or just condescending snobs who feel superior cause they have a Queen. God and tourists know why the F I should care about their queen, but oh well.
Certainty 5: Jesus will never return.
Get over it. It’s time you accept it.

Certainty 6: In every album, Beyoncé will have a mega feminist song.

Since her early days in the amazing trio Destiny’s Child, Beyoncé is a bigger believer in women power than Rosie O’Donnell. “You thought that I’d be weak without ya, But I’m stronger. You thought that I’d be broke without ya, But I’m richer.” “All the women who are independent, Throw your hands up at me.” “I can have another you by tomorrow. So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.” And my absolute favorite: “I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips. Acting up, drink my cup, I could care less what you think. All the single ladies, all the single ladies – now get your hands up! Ho, Ho, Ho!!!
Death? clearly not the only thing we can count on.

* I’d like to think she had a rough childhood and her name is L’atisha.

Written by Frankelstache

March 20, 2009 at 6:16 pm

The Future

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Lately I started volunteering in a daycare. Kind of ironic that the same man the US authorities basically wanted out is now taking a part in molding the future generations of this fine country. Keep an eye open, and expect great things out of the Berkeley Jews in 20 years or so. After only several weeks, I  already feel partially responsible for the upcoming crimes these young citizens are going to commit when they grow up. Obviously, an NBA superstar or a Hooters girl will make me feel damn good, but if neither is a possibility, I’ll totally settle for a rapist or a mass murderer sociopath.

Seriously though, I have to say I find it extremely intriguing to interact with these kids. I didn’t imagine how watching them would teach me so much about society. I have a front row seat as these boys and girls gather behavioral patterns that will probably follow them forever, and I can’t stop thinking of some of my adult friends. It’s fascinating. I mean granted, I’m in Berkeley, CA, which isn’t exactly the prototype of classic Americana, but nonetheless, I get to witness a good enough range of tots.

America and American’s are being bashed and trashed from every angle and under every open microphone or keyboard these days. It seems like since Bin-Laden’s (equivalent of) Bar Mitzvah production back in 9/11, the slope is slipping faster than Sarah Palin’s disappearance. I’m probably not revealing any shocking facts with this theory here, but still, I can’t seem to shake the thought that those planes flew into a building, and it was America that crashed – in its own eyes, and it the eyes of the rest of the world. But I digress.

In any case, those Berkeley kids are so fucking nice to each other it’s almost painful. When I was a kid, going to kindergarten was like going to war. The minute your mom dropped you off* it was every man for himself. When I close my eyes and recall certain kindergarten days, I can almost hear Axel Rose screaming “Welcome To The Jungle” inside my mind (whereas here in Berkeley it’s probably Jack Johnson singing “Banana Pancakes”).
We had a bomb shelter in our yard, and I remember the day we all climbed on it so we can pee on a kid named Oren – just because we knew he was adopted. Don’t get me wrong, cause I ADMIRE how sweet and well behaved these kids are. I guess I’m just missing a little bit of spice. It also amazes me how I can tell them something and they’ll listen to me. The other day I told an eight year old he needs to sit quietly and think about what he did (kicking a wet ball on the wall or something). He actually sat and thought about it. Now if someone had said something like that to me 20 years ago, I probably would have told him there’s a higher chance of him banging his own grandmother than me sitting quietly to contemplate my prior actions.

Wake up and smell the Humus, because America is doing great. Really. I don’t really care if there are floods in New Orleans, downsizing in Detroit, homelessness in every major city and decrease in college graduates nationwide**.

Education, my friends, is the single most important thing in this world. Creating a better generation and making sure “our” children will grow up to be better people assures us that in the long run this country, and this world will be a better place. So that’s good news. Even if it’s not measured by a Credit Score.

This has to be the cheesiest way I’ve ever finished a written document.

* Assuming you were younger than the age of 5, when having your mom still dropping you off was cause for being tag-teamed in the showers.

** I’m totally making this up. I have no clue if the amount of college graduates have been increasing or decreasing nationwide.

Written by Frankelstache

March 5, 2009 at 11:10 pm