Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Hipsters

How Significant Is College

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I never attended college. Heck, I barely even attended Middle School. My academic resume includes rejection and ejection from the system at age 16, and sneaking my way into a creative Portfolio Program at 23 (most likely because the owner is 134 years old and his much younger wife will accept anyone willing to issue a check). With that said, I’ve written letters on behalf of many of my friends who aspired to get accepted into various establishments, and (knock on Ron Jeremy’s wood), I have an amazing perfect success rate, thus far. I’m especially conceited due to my latest achievement, getting one of my best friends into Medical School. Good luck, EK!

Will my lack of college education thwart me as I move forward in life? Most likely it will, especially here in Uncle Sam’s land where it seems like even the dumbest living (Caucasian) organism has some sort of post high-school learning.
This got me thinking about the various degrees people obtain during their college years, and how essential those degrees are for their life.

BFA in Ancient Greek Poetry – “This degree together with my ‘Trader Joe’s’ arm tattoo and an emo haircut will give me lots of street-cred within the Hipster community. It will aid me in articulating my rage toward America’s imperialism as I scream with zealous I would move to France if I didn’t need unemployment checks.“
P.S. “Nobody gets my art.”

Undergraduate in Computer Science –  “I spent $100,000 on tuition to learn how to make a Power Point Presentation and I look forward to a life of fixing people’s emails. With my vast IT knowledge only Asians will understand me, so I’ll naturally spend most of my work conferences inside a massage parlor, begging for a happy ending.”
P.S. “I have a mohawk cause I’m a rebel, so don’t let the suit fool you, fool.”

BA in French – “Since I never left America (call me a patriot), this will be awesome. I’ll eat escargot and make love with chicks that don’t shave their armpits. Sure, I’ll miss Wal-Mart and Baseball, but hey, I’ll learn lots of pick up lines.”
P.S. “It’s Freedom Fries, motherfucker.”

Business Administration – “I took all of my classes online so I can graduate in the nude. My Professor’s avatar told me it foresees a bright future for me managing a Mickey D’s branch but I’m thinking I’m much more of a JC Penney’s type of guy.”
P.S. “My name is Jud and I’m a Phoenix.“

All jokes aside, I will still gladly change places with either of the above, make no mistake about it. I feel that not pursuing a higher education was a misstep in retrospect, especially given the new American economic reality. One of these days I’ll get my degree, though, I’m sure. Even if only to prove to myself I am capable of doing that. My college experience won’t include beer bongs, hazing or popping 18 year-old cherries. It might be the first step I take as I change careers, it might be purely for my intellectual entertainment and enrichment. One way or the other, I promise to find my old teacher’s house afterward and urinate all over the bitch’s lawn.

Written by Frankelstache

July 15, 2009 at 12:08 am

Capitalism, Advertising, Recession, No advertising

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Dear Business owner,

I always describe the Marketing / Advertising industry as the Horse upon which the Knight of Capitalism rides. It’s the rifle in the Capitalism soldier’s hands. The pan used by the chef. You get the point.
Throughout the years, I’ve read some mind-blowing books that bashed and slashed the M/A industry, blaming it for everything that’s wrong in this world – from sweatshops in China through credit debt in America and all the way to faulting M/A for the self-centered, detached state of mind that rules the Western hemisphere. And although some of these mind-blowing authors (Naomi Klein, Kalle Lasn – and I truly recommend reading them*) are worse hypocrites than fat hipsters, I must concur that M/A has, in fact, caused lots of anguish to many different people** and is definitely accountable for many wrongdoings in today’s society.

Moreover, it is long known that the more money is bestowed upon an industry, general consumers are vividly eager to spend their dough purchasing products. It’s very simple actually: when businesses market and advertise, consumers shop. That’s how it works.
Case in point – Estimations talk about $2 Billion a year spent on Advertising by Pharmaceutical companies in the US, and the real number may be way higher.  Now according to a study by Readers Digest, in 2007, Americans had spent $7.5 billion on vitamins. Nuff said.

Lastly, every old hag in Turkistan can quote the financial experts, claiming that the best catalyst to get out of this economic mess will be the American public’s spending habits going back to normal.

So, if it’s a known thing that M/A is what pushes Capitalism forward, how come that the M/A budgets are the first to shrink (more like disappear) when businesses try to conserve themselves during a recession?  I never went to business school, never ran my own operation (also never sniffed cocaine out of a Supermodel’s vagina but that’s besides the point) and can’t say I’m a certified financial wiz, but this looks like a simple equation.

Dear business owner,
If you’re forced to cut your budget, fire your whorish looking assistant and cut back on The Fruit Guys. Don’t touch that M/A budget. It’s your best shot of staying alive.

* Culture Jam and No Logo are a must.
** Eating disorders and obesity, to name a few.

Written by Frankelstache

May 29, 2009 at 8:11 am

In a Perfect World….

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Did you see the Absolute Vodka campaign “In an Absolute World”?
In essence, this campaign involves ads portraying how our world would look like if it were perfect (absolute). I find the campaign somewhat dumb, yet at the same time pretty cool. There has to be endless amounts of ads one can produce out of it, which is a great basic way to measure an idea. But I digress.

Now I know that there are a lot of politically correct issues and a gazillion barriers and rules that prevents from the creative team to truly explore this idea, and that’s why some of their ads are lame. But since it’s late, and I got nothing better to do, I figured I’d throw in a few suggestions. Heck, I won’t even charge ‘em for my unsolicited idiocy.

In an Absolute World:

Fresh (Jewish) semen would cure women’s acne.

Bandanas will be illegal unless you have cancer.

Ann Coulter will be ganged-banged by a mob of liberal voters.

Facebook will die.

Hipsters will apprehend (not in an ironic way) how pathetic they look.

Humans won’t be able to feel guilt after a meal.

Breast reduction technology will disappear.

There will be no more Star-Wars movies / shows / paraphernalia.

People who reference Seinfeld will be deemed as holocaust deniers.

Written by Frankelstache

May 5, 2009 at 12:42 am

May Day

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So today is the day of the worker, a holiday that emerged out of the beliefs of Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and their partners in crime. This being America, no one really knows what does that mean. Having spent (some part of) my day wearing a red shirt, receiving no signs of public acknowledgment or appreciation, I began to ponder where this country is heading. Calling someone a ‘commie’ was once the English language’s worst abuse, an honor that’s now reserved to the word ‘cunt’. Being a commie was essentially being a traitor – dooming you to be hang by the KKK as if you were a gay Jewish African American who also has one chromosome too much.

But now these days are gone and Obama is the King of America. Many people, most of them reside within the Fox News studios, are blaming Obama for driving this country into communism, socialism, fascism and yes, I heard it with my own ears – Jihadism. Amazing. So this begs the question: Is it so bad to be a tad socialistic? Will America crumble as soon as its capitalistic heart will miss a beat? I mean seriously, what will happen?  Texans will cease from speaking with an accent?  Black people will go to College? Sizzler will unite with Lululemon? Californian will vote for a Republican, twice? Hipsters will gain weight? Peace in the Middle East? Vesuvius will erupt? Bums will win American Idol? Hollywood will be run by apes? Oprah will have a panic attack?

What’s the deal?