Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Jesus

Music is Love. Faith is Love.

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Christian rock entices me. I’d like to electronically bow in front of the luminous whiz kid who came up with this idea. I bet you’re all speculating what were the chronicles that brought upon this fabulous phenomenon. The truth is I don’t know for sure. But if I had to guess…

I imagine a late Monday night emergency meeting in the basement of some small town church. The reverend, still exhausted from a full week of molesting the entire 8th grade gospel choir, shakes his head in disbelief after another low attendance Sunday Mass and says aloud in front of the bearded nuns and a few key members of the community:

“Oh Lord thy great who is wise and more alluring than a free-of-charge pedophilia website: how can I bring Jesus into the heart of my community?”

The lord, of course, didn’t answer. But Mrs. Archer, a concerned mother of Irish descent took her turn in speaking, ending the uncomfortable silence and replying to the holy man by saying: “Listen you piece of shit pervert. My 7 year old told me you fondled him in the chancel three days ago.”

“He enjoyed it and was fully engaged!” said the priest. “He should be grateful for my semen.”

Okay sorry people. I guess this post has taken a few wrong turns and I’m losing it a tad. Let me go back to my main point – Christian rock. It’s awesome. Here’s one of my favorite songs. I got it on iTunes. Love it. Now I’d like to dissect it as if I’m back in High-School because I loved doing that. My comments are in bold.

“Awake”

As time went on

I opened up my eyes

Never really knew me

You don’t know what’s deep inside – This is a nice start. Can still end up being a normal song. Somewhat deep, I can feel an epiphany approaching.

Just so you know I’ll never be like you– Wow. Why the hostility all of a sudden?

I’ll take what God has made me – Why don’t you take it. And shove it. Up your ass.

I’m not an empty shell – You’re a shell full of shit.

And I hope they see

Instead of following – You know that praying and church et al. is basically “following”? I mean all things aside, ‘Christianity’ isn’t really synonymous with ‘Precede’.

Finally awake – Morning.

I’m feel alive today – Cause you drank wine and was told it’s blood. P.S. you have grammar mistakes. Even I can tell.

I feel everything – Feel that..? no? how bout now? no? oh well.

It’s all so clear to me – As predicted, the epiphany arrives in serendipitous fashion.

How many times

Have I hated who I was – nuff’ with the hate already.

Lost sight of what defines me

‘cause of airbrush magazines – Yes! How many times indeed? I ask myself that often.

But now I’ve come

To cherish who I am

Sick and tired of faking

A life that wasn’t mine – Where have I heard this before? Oh right, The Anna Nicole Smith Show.

Finally awake

I’m feel alive today

I feel everything

It’s all so clear to me – Fucking a man. Good for you.

I’m alive

It’s all so clear to me

I’m alive

It’s all so clear to me – okay we get it. You don’t need to repeat every sentence.

And I hope they see – Are you just hoping or are you praying as well?

I feel everything – Great motherfucking ending line. Powerful shit man.

Written by Frankelstache

October 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm

SONIA!!!!

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I have to say that I’m pretty impressed with Rush Limbaugh, who yet again masterminded a controversy. It’s amazing what one bamboozle (yes, I’m using it as a descriptive curse) can do with a Microphone. As the old saying goes – “When one fool throws a rock inside the well, not even ten geniuses can pull it out.”

Now as someone who’s oftentimes mistaken to be of Hispanic descent, I feel like it is my cultural duty to declare my support, and aid, as much as I can, to put Sonia inside the courthouse.

Dear Sonia,
My name is Frankelstache and first and foremost I love burritos. I know that you’re actually Puerto Rican and more actually you’re from the Bronx, but since it’s hard for us Caucasians to distinguish all you Spanish speakers, I’ll just refer to you as Mexican, if that’s alright with you.

I once had a Mexican coworker in my office and she was wonderful. Made Tamales and lots of other goodies. I liked her. Maybe you should start by bringing some Guacamole to the Senate Judiciary Committee? Not too spicy though, you don’t want the food to burn twice (on the way in is okay, on the way out – not as much). Make some Alfajores cookies, too, cause that’s an awesome sweet Mexican delight people always get in Taquerías and they will associate you with cookies and sweetness.

You could also play on the fact that you Mexicans are of small stature, so you can probably get the tiniest office, the one nobody wants cause it’s right next to the restroom’s door and it smells and you hear women cry in there all the time, which is a colossal distraction. Your size, or lack there of, also means you are much closer to the floor, so when one of your potentially future colleagues loses a contact lens you will be there instantly to find it between the small cracks in the marble.

You should also, of course, remind them to utilized your presence in the office for communicating with the ever-devious cleaning crew. No way they will cut corners now that there’s a fellow Mexican around, and you can guarantee they will replace all the garbage bags, even the ones under the printers. However, dear Sonia, watch out for this reasoning because it could easily backfire. You don’t want your coworkers to worry about you conversing in that laud ‘sitting outside The Home Depot’ language of yours with the mention crew, so be sure to clarify that though you share the same dialect, you would much rather praise Jesus and eat apple pie than to chitchat with the clean team.

A huge turn on for you, Sonia, is that Mexicans invented Tequila and you can probably boost casual Fridays taking down shots during Happy Hour. In fact, I suggest you arrive at the next Senate hearing with a little bit of salt and lime positioned carefully next to your thumb. The smart men amongst the committee will get the hint, and soon enough that will stimulate all the memories they poses of fun times during Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas. Don’t let them lick you, though, that’s inappropriate.

But the truth, Sonia, is that you are a member of the female gender, and you are one of those females who likes to speak her mind, which is not too popular in this patriarchal society. Unfortunately there’s nothing I can say or suggest that will help you overcome that unforgiving flaw of yours. Maybe you can say that you’re just a really passable and beautiful Tranny who just landed from Tijuana and you’re actually a man named Jose? No, don’t say that, that will make you an illegal immigrant and that is too much hassle, trust me. I don’t know, Sonia, I don’t know how to fix this vagina problem. Everything would have been so much easier if you were a dude.

But nevertheless I vow to continue seeking for answers, in the name of justice for you, for womenkind, and for all of Mexico. Together we can finish what Che Guevara started. Hasta La Victoria Siempre!

Yours truly,
Frankelstache

Written by Frankelstache

July 25, 2009 at 8:57 am

Save a Child, Get a Pet

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Desperate Housewife

Listen up Yanks, a child is not a dog.
True, some kids are so ugly they’re a living proof that Man came from the apes, but even that animalistic resemblance does not justify such horrible treatment.

I’ve noticed these child-to-dog converters everywhere, and it seems mostly common within White, ‘apple pie’ families.  I asked around in bewilderment why do people do this to their whelps and received numerous replies, the majority of them pointing out fear of child abduction as the cause.

Now I can’t even start to imagine how it feels to have your child kidnapped, and I would gladly assist in making the kidnappers inhale their own urine for the rest of their lives if I’ll ever lay my hands on one of them. But using a leash as a preventative act is castrating, both physically, and emotionally. It’s horrible watching these little kids trying to explore and discover the world while they’re pulled from behind like a choked horse.

If you fear for your child hold his hand. Pick him up, piggyback the tot. But in the name of Miley Cyrus – Don’t use a leash as if your child is a four months old Chiwawa named Butch.

Regardless of how joyful this mother and son look like in this perfectly situated advertising photograph, shit ain’t right. Jesus would not have approved.

Written by Frankelstache

June 24, 2009 at 8:20 pm

Anal-ism

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Something’s been bugging me for a while now. Not really sure why I remembered it all of a sudden. It’s late, I’m watching an MTV show about 16 year old White Trash girls that got Britney-ied* and I guess you could say I’m still under the influences of Queen, that’s been playing in the background for the past hour.

At any case, I have another English inquiry I wanted to talk about. You know I came to America a tad less than three years ago thinking / knowing that the word ‘Anal’ has to do with one’s anus, and is more often than not used when describing an activity closely related to but-banging. Faster than the time it takes a republican to answer ‘Jesus’ when asked who’s got his back, I learned that ‘Anal’ isn’t a language taboo, but actually socially accepted – and can, at certain occasions, be seen as a compliment.

Time had passed and I learned more and more about the American use of the English language. I avidly read Krakuer’s awesome books, surreptitiously studied H. Fleming’s eye-opening poetry and diligently watched a few Hannah Montana episodes, yet the story behind Anal’s transition from a sodomy-descriptive adjective to an allegory illustrating a detailed-oriented / control-freak person has yet to exposed itself in front of my daunted eyes.

The first explanation I came up with was that apparently all these Librarians / OCD Soccer Moms must really like it up the ass. But that seemed like a bigger urban legend than “Woody Allen used to make great movies” so I decided to forego it. Then I thought that maybe it’s because the anus is a very tight and squeezed place, and that so-called ‘anal’ people really enjoy small and tight places cause they can fit things inside of it (by category) and label it perfectly. But that, too, sounded like a far-fetched idea. Lastly, I went as far as exploring the possibility that the correlation between the two uses stems from the fact that a vagina lubes itself free-willingly (well, somewhat) while the ass’s lubrication levels can and must be controlled – and anal people like control. But that was just too out there and I thought no one is that twisted.

So now I turn to you. Can someone please put me out of my misery and explain, once and for all what’s the deal?

* Knocked up

Written by Frankelstache

June 18, 2009 at 11:36 pm

The Idea That Will Make Me Rich

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in response to this , I thought about a brilliant idea that will change the face of social networking forever.

Why don’t we just gather all the religious psychos, and then just lock them under one virtual roof and be done with it?

We’ll call it “FAITHBOOK“, and it’ll be a safe haven for Men /Women of belief to spread their love for Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Joseph Smith and anyone else they want to.

Does anyone have Zuckerberg’s number?

Written by Frankelstache

May 20, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Oh Carolina

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The road is so dark, I can barely see more than 50 meters ahead of me. I pull over to urinate about 40 minutes southeast of Charlotte, and as I unzip my pants I hear an odd sound emerging from the bushes, and recognize the silhouette of a giant deer running away shortly after. It’s 1:30AM, and I’m literally in the middle of nowhere. I look far ahead to see a sign declaring: “God is good. Always” underneath a small church, and note to myself that this is the 5th of these lighted banners I’ve seen since my drive began.

Three days later, my views of America and of Americans had changed dramatically. Excluding a short visit to Fort Lauderdale, this Carolina venture has deflowered me and my innocent perception of the US of A. I’ve heard / read / watched endless tales and legends about “how it’s like in the South”, yet, when my eyes encountered it in real life, I was partly baffled. On Sunday evening I made my way to a local bar alongside Little River on the footsteps of Myrtle Beach, stumbling upon a pack of rednecks, bikers, obese people, little kids, slutty fake-haired blondes and Jesus Christ, tattooed on every 2nd person’s body. All the men are tall and gorgeous. Women are either redhead or platinum blonde, with blue eyes and short skirts. It’s 90+ degrees, the scent of honeysuckle and the ocean is filling my nostrils, and everybody appear to be completely content leading a life that essentially consists of lunches at Ruby Tuesdays and fried chicken with a cold PBR for dinner. So, is this the real America?

The South is so different. It’s poles apart than, say, my beloved San Francisco. A sense of small town mentality rules the atmosphere and people don’t care for much but living the moment. Or do they? I saw the same people wherever I went, and they seemed familiar with all and sundry around them. Lots of Army stickers glued to cars, and from some reason, ‘Hibachi style cooking’ is big here. I saw no “Apple” Paraphernalia, and though I might sound like a jerk for saying this, from a few conversations I had with the natives, people didn’t seem too educated, or even a tad aware of anything happening beyond this small South Carolina town. I thought about it a little, and couldn’t really decide if these people are genuinely satisfied with what they have, and they live in this bubble, drinking excessively and behave the way they do in order to celebrate their existence, or are they miserable, and their demeanor is an attempt of escaping this horrible, no future – no present life?

I’m still thinking about it.

Written by Frankelstache

May 12, 2009 at 3:31 pm

How iPhones Are Killing Our World

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The world has recently been blessed by the appearance of iPhones and their equivalents. Indeed, a great step for Man, and another proof that the Asians and their technology have won, again.

In flat advertising/marketing terms, iPhone’s ad campaign is considered really good. It shows nothing but the product and its benefits throughout the ad, it’s fun, easy and relatable. My favorite ad is the one where the narrator asks the viewers “what if you needed so and so…?” and then answers “There’s an app (application) for that.” Their tagline is “Solving life’s dilemmas, one app at a time”, which I find to be a great line from iPhone’s perspective. But what is wrong about these shenanigans is that instead of marching mankind forward, this technology is doing the opposite.

If you ask me what are life’s dilemmas, I’ll ask in return what in this world determines what happens after you die? Or how do I know if I’ve found ‘The One’? Should I move closer to my parents when they’re old or put them in a senior citizen’s home? Should I hug my baby when he cries or toughen him up by ignoring? Is it moral to tell on a friend when you know he’s cheating? Should we negotiate with terrorists in order to bring home captured soldiers? Is it okay to commit acts of violence in the name of JC or Muhammad or Moses? how come there aren’t any apps for these dilemmas?

Knowing my friend’s twitter status at any given moment isn’t really a part of (my) life’s dilemmas. And as for finding if a certain restaurant is open tonight for dinner, that’s not really a substantial issue either. I’m not saying technology isn’t glorious, I’m saying that it’s startling to see a product celebrating the fact that it will relieve you of thinking for yourself. Reminds me of when Pizza Hut celebrated the fact that their “Pizzone” has a pound of cheese in it. ONE FULL POUND OF CHEESE. And that’s a selling point – that’s the thing that will make you want to buy it and eat it. And it did. But I digress.

Pretty soon, iPhones will engage in automatic conversations with our acquaintances, giving us more time to play blackjack online and be happy with how connected we are with all of our friends (“look, I even found my high-school band on facebook!!”). Today’s kids are already way more comfortable having connections and interactions online than doing it face to face. Is it our future to be a society where human touch is nothing but an archaic concept? Is human touch doomed to end up like payphones?

Written by Frankelstache

March 25, 2009 at 11:28 am