Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Job

Iron Chef – Who The Hell Are You?

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Maybe it’s the lack of job opportunities and the soaring unemployment rates that gets me going here, but I’m seriously interested in learning what on earth is the role of “The Chairman” in the epic Food Network show ‘Iron Chef America’.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show’s core curriculum: there are two chefs, three judges and two reporters (among them the uber irritating Alton Brown, who knows more about food than Jenna Jamison knows about penises, only he’s not nearly as arousing and – as far as I know – he does not have a tattoo on his right ass cheek). Chefs and their teams have an hour to prepare five dishes that are later judged based on several categories till a winner is announced. That’s about it, It’s fairly uncomplicated.

Now in that mixture, someone thought it’ll be wise to throw in an odd looking Asian dude that opens every show with a somersault and rambles something about the words of his uncle as he lifts a lid at the beginning of each episode. During the show, he walks around “Kitchen Stadium” like he’s Master Splinter watching over his ninjas, galvanizing them with mystique. At the end of each culinary battle this TV vagabond even gets to try the food, which only adds to his puzzling role given that he says nothing and contributes nil to the judging process.

Who is that man and how did he land such a job? And if the fable is true about him inheriting the position from his uncle, how come nepotism is celebrated so proudly? Is this the message that the Food Network wants to deliver? It’s bad enough that they employee extraterrestrials who were sent from outer space to dumb us down (Rachel Ray) or that they provide a stage for the animal known to man as Paula Deen, cause at least they have a purpose. But this guy is an enigma, an anomaly, and yes, I’m jealous.


Written by Frankelstache

June 29, 2009 at 9:31 am

Thank You

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In America, people are obsessed with saying ‘Thank You’ and it doesn’t really matter if the person they’re thanking had done something worthy of an expression of gratitude. Americans just like to thank. They’re also obsessed with written notes. This is actually something I really like about Americans, for they enjoy expressing themselves in writing. Which is way better than expressing themselves through shouting (Arabs), cussing (Jews), or violence (Middle-Eastern’s). The two phenomenons mentioned above created a lovechild known as the ‘Thank You Note’. I shall now refer to it as TYN.

Life used to be very simple for me. If someone invited me over for a beer I’d show up in his house, hangout, eat whatever’s in his fridge and leave right before my farts become to much of a hassle to disguise. On the way out I’d probably give him a man-hug or a high-five, but that’s about it. Nowadays, if someone invites me over I have to write on his Facebook wall to thank him for the orange I gathered from his kitchen. It just doesn’t make sense.

The guidelines as to when exactly you should send a TYN are borderline mysterious. I have researched this issue thoroughly and relentlessly, but the best answer I can give you is – who the fuck knows.
I did, however, managed to gather enough information indicating that there are certain occasions / situations where a TYN is a life-threatening necessity. Neglecting to send a TYN during those occasions / situations is a huge violation of etiquette codes, one as rude and as severe as not spending the night after having sex. With your wife.

These occasions / situations are:
1.    You were interviewed for a job.
2.    You had a birthday bash and someone came to celebrate you.
3.    You got married and someone sent you a gift.

Now these fine examples that I researched thoroughly and relentlessly had become rooted in American society. So much that me suggesting it’s idiotic would be totally rude and obnoxious. But who cares:
1st, why, in the name of Lisa Ann, do I have to thank someone for interviewing me for a job? If I’m hired for the position, 90% of the time I will be underpaid and 96% of the time I will, at some point, get yelled at for something I didn’t do, or had no control on. Not to mention the fact that the company I’m working for will eventually fire me and move my department to Uzbekistan, or, more likely – China. Why am I thankful?

2nd, I’ve never seen so many people who care so much about their birthday like people do in America. I get that everyone likes to feel special for a day, but if that’s the issue why don’t you celebrate the first time you’ve beaten another kid in kindergarten? Or the day you got your 1st A in school? College graduation? The 1st time you cried in a Tom Cruise movie? Anything other than your birthday, which is essentially celebrating the fact that your parents used to fuck. I know this doesn’t necessarily contradict the TYN subject, but I had to get this off my chest.

3rd, the people who sent you a ‘gift’ did it because you got married. They wanted to do something nice for you because they are happy for you. To me, sending them a TYN is not only dumb, but also extremely offensive. Think about it this way: If I gave you a candy as a gift, a token of my appreciation – the last thing on my mind is “oh I wonder when he’ll give me something of his own in return”. I mean, this candy was a gift from me to you. I don’t want anything back nor do I expect anything back. A verbal thanks is suitable. Or better yet, just eat the fucking candy.

As for the rest of the occasions, it starts to get blurry. I have seen people send TYN’s after meeting for dinner at their friend’s house (‘Thanks for having me’), after hanging out together in public (‘Thanks for seeing me’) and even after the TYN’s recipient loaned them a pen for two hours (‘Thanks for helping me’).

I just had an  epiphany: Is it possible that TYN’s are all about the sender and not at all about the recipient?

Written by Frankelstache

March 4, 2009 at 10:50 am