Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Language

English is an Ubber Odd Language

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Hello all and welcome back to today’s episode of the Frankelstache’s misunderstandings with English.

So in America, when a person says: “Damn, I’d kill for a Burrito right now.” the people around him conclude that that person is really craving a Burrito.

My personal and completely normal conclusion was that given that murder is the highest rated offense (punishment wise), I can proudly announce: “Damn, I’d sodomize a 12 year-old for a Burrito right now.”

That didn’t go so well.

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Written by Frankelstache

January 15, 2010 at 12:05 am

How Is It That One’s Opinion

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alway contradicts mine?

Is it like that with everyone? It seems like everything I do, One’s way will be completely different. I often think he does that just to spite me.

Screw One, I say.

Written by Frankelstache

December 9, 2009 at 7:57 pm

Posted in Language, Random

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The Frankelstache English Dictionary, Take 12

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Napcident – Nap – Ci – Dent

“An accidental nap”.

You know when you’re laying on your couch at home reading a book or watching reality trash on tv? Maybe your head is against a nice pillow… there’s a blanket at hand…?

You didn’t get on the couch with sleeping intent, yet all of a sudden, snoozing simply feels like the right thing to do.

And then you fall asleep for anywhere between 20 minutes and 2 hours?

Well my friend, you’ve just experienced a Napcident.

Written by Frankelstache

November 12, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Posted in Language

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Things That Are Bound To Happen

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“The only certainty in life is death”, goes the cliché’. I really hate cliché’s.
I can see and understand society’s need for cliché’s, but me being insecure in my originality and individuality (the result of growing up in a commune) makes me vigorously and automatically oppose anything that’s structured and predestined. Lucky enough, back at the day Al Gore helped creating this little thing called the World Wide Web, and here we are today inside this spectacular blog platform.

It brings me great joy when I am able to refute a preexistent perception, and therefore I would like to tackle the cliché’ positioned at the top of today’s post. I might have to use other truisms in order to negate it, but nobody said that’s not allowed.

Certainty 1: The husband will always screw the babysitter.
From Jane Eyre to David Beckham, bringing a younger woman to take care of your toddlers is like going to the Cheesecake factory while on a diet. If I were a mom, I would rather let Theodore Kaczynski take care of my kids than welcoming a youthful chick into my abode. Granted, men are horrible, but even my inner-woman* knows that the only thing lamer than a slimy man is that slut who was easily manipulated to join him in the bedroom. Wives, don’t act surprised if one day it’ll happen to you, too. If you must get a nanny, make sure she’s a survivor of either Chernobyl or Hiroshima. That way she’ll be so old and damaged even Bill Clinton wouldn’t wanna do her.

Certainty 2: Asian people will always travel in packs.
Whether it’s when they’re touring a new city, dancing in a club, walking to the restroom, shopping, or their absolute favorite: standing in a random line – those little cats are always in a group. One of my good friends suggested that’s it’s because they are both small and shy, so they work better as a group. Makes sense to me, but even so, it kinda bugs me that I always encounter them on a mass scale. It’ll be nice to meet just one of them every now or then, or at least see one mingles in a more diverse assemblage. Good news is that Asian women do a good job fueling many orgy fantasies, I’ll give em that.

Certainty 3: Kids will tell jokes you will never understand.
This has recently been validated inside my head in the daycare I volunteer at. You know, I’ve met my share of not so hilarious adults, but kids are something else. They have the worst sense of humor ever. They’re jokes aren’t even jokes. It’s usually a dumb question like ‘what did the cow told the chicken?” and the answer/punch line is usually something like “Your feathers smell”. At first I thought it was only me who isn’t getting it, but throughout the years I’ve learned that it’s actually those kids who don’t.

Certainty 4: People with an accent will always appear dumber.
This is a cross-cultural, intercontinental and multilingual certainty. Hear a girl speak Spanish with an American accent and you’ll automatically assume you can convince her you’re worth a lay. Hear a guy speak English with a Southern accent and you’ll instantly be willing to bet your savings you’ll defeat him hands down in a trivia challenge. This certainty, however, does not include people with a British accent cause for some reason that makes people sound smarter. Which is peculiar, to say the least, cause most Brits are drunks who never left their hometown, or just condescending snobs who feel superior cause they have a Queen. God and tourists know why the F I should care about their queen, but oh well.
Certainty 5: Jesus will never return.
Get over it. It’s time you accept it.

Certainty 6: In every album, Beyoncé will have a mega feminist song.

Since her early days in the amazing trio Destiny’s Child, Beyoncé is a bigger believer in women power than Rosie O’Donnell. “You thought that I’d be weak without ya, But I’m stronger. You thought that I’d be broke without ya, But I’m richer.” “All the women who are independent, Throw your hands up at me.” “I can have another you by tomorrow. So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.” And my absolute favorite: “I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips. Acting up, drink my cup, I could care less what you think. All the single ladies, all the single ladies – now get your hands up! Ho, Ho, Ho!!!
Death? clearly not the only thing we can count on.

* I’d like to think she had a rough childhood and her name is L’atisha.

Written by Frankelstache

March 20, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Language Issues

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Idioms. Figures of speech. You know, the kind of stuff people say all the time. Things that don’t make any sense on their own. Since English is my second language, I often find myself baffled in the middle of a conversation (happens to me two-three times a week). Obviously, certain things make sense, like if you come up to me and say “That woman is a wolf in a sheep’s clothing”.  I get it, cause I know sheep are harmless and dumb, and I also know wolfs are conniving dicks that enjoy slaughtering grandmas and raping* under aged girls dressed in red. But when someone I converse with suddenly announces, “I have an Axe to grind with you”, I must wonder if the dude read one too many Ann Coulter books**.

Sorry, but I have to rant about the low-quality and incomprehensibleness of some of these great American idioms (and figures of speech / common sayings):

“Turn on a dime” – What does that mean? Turn the dime ‘on’? How do you do that? Do you play with its clitoris? Suck on its nipples? What if the dime’s having a headache? So after Nicole Richie, now Dimes are sex icons? Gee, thanks America.

“Beat A Dead Horse” – What is this? A violent type of necrophilia? I know that in selected countries clubbing seals is considered a sport, but beating a dead horse has to be more peculiar than Californians voting for a Republican to govern them. Twice. What the hell is wrong with you people?

“Know something backwards and forward” – is this the definition of gay people who are both ‘Top’ and ‘Bottom’?

“A baker’s dozen” –One of the most derogatory and obnoxious generalization one can make. Is it to imply that all bakers are dumb? That they can’t count? That they’re all obese? That bakers are liars? That they’re not to be trusted? And how am I supposed to know it means 13? Why do you say ‘dozen’ if you mean 13? It’s wrong, man.

“Shoot the shit” – like, literally? Who’s shit? some shits are mushier than others, I hear.

“Cut off your nose to spite your face” – I give up.

Feel free to suggest some more with your comments…


* Oh he would’ve gotten there if given a chance, you know he would’ve.
** Notorious for frying your brain cells to the point of no return.

Written by Frankelstache

March 7, 2009 at 11:31 pm