Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘MacDonald’s

Eat Up, Boys and Girls

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I’ve commented in the past on how ridicules I find some of the advertisements on TV, especially the ones that celebrate certain things that can only be seen as pros in America.

When Pizza Hut used their “1 full lbs of cheese inside every Pizzone” as a selling point (and basically championed heart attacks), I thought it was a glitch, that although Americans eat Junk Food as often as hookers fuck, recent years must have helped them evolve and comprehend that their food culture requires immediate change.

But it turns out I was wrong. Along comes Taco Bell with new ads for their taco Salad, proving, yet again, that America’s food culture and habits are so bad, I must wonder if this country needs its kids to start getting strokes before middle-school in order to wake up. Now I already have a full stomach (no pun intended. In fact, ‘an Empty stomach’ fits better here) on how “salad” in America is code for lettuce, breadcrumbs, cheese and enough ranch to drown Hulk Hogan. so naturally, this issue bugs me very often. But I digress.

How, in the name of the people who voted for GWB twice, could one be happy when something that’s labeled “Salad” isn’t, in fact, a salad?? This campaign with its catchphrases “It’s only technically a salad” is an insult to the intellect. Moreover, what bugs me here is that salad is being treated as something wrong. Now I’m no saint, and the woman I love, together with anyone else who ever saw my beer belly will testify to my love for food, especially meats, cakes and other unhealthy goodies. But as much as I (occasionaly) love dipping my pork ribs in hot, spicy bbq sauce, I also recognize the importance of healthy food. Fruits, vegetables, water – neither mixed with cheese. I mean, who knows, I might die out of a red meat caused heart attack at age 41, while my American friends who eat corn with butter and fried chicken with hollandaise sauce will live till they’re 102. But man, being healthy isn’t a bad thing. And for fuck sakes, lettuce, bread, cheese and ranch alone does not make for a salad. Caesar was a fucking idiot, and people who buy into Taco Bell’s ‘Technically a salad’ ads are idiots, too.


Written by Frankelstache

May 22, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Who wants to Immigrate To The US?

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Recently I was the beneficiary in a Green Card application, petitioned by the woman I love. The overall story is long and convoluted, but the endeavors fueled a few interesting thoughts.

Immigrating to America was once the dream of every living soul on the Western and Eastern hemisphere. Stories and fantasies of money growing on Oak trees, affordable housing alongside lubricated loan givers, and 6-foot blonds with a Southern accent that love to give oral pleasure were as common as rice in Asia. Cheap drugs, flashy cars, convenient domestic flights, proximity to Mexico, gigantic pork ribs and an endless supply of Mickey D’s. Hollywood, Michael Jordan, NYC, brands, slums, diversity, Wal-Mart and Costco. Yes my friends, America was ‘it’.

This being the case, America has rightfully built many bureaucratic walls and barriers, positioned comfortably behind a mound of legal fees, papers and the human animals known as lawyers, and USCIS officers.
It’s hard to complain about this story cause it makes sense. America used to be the prettiest girl in class (that is, until slightly after the beginning of the W. regime). She had huge boobs, an enormous intellect, steamy long legs, gorgeous blue eyes, immense sense of humor and an honest appreciation and understanding for the love of sports. She was an awesome baker, a dam good parent and an overall dream of every potential mother in-law. And guess what, she was a swinger! No monogamy for that baby, this sweetheart was eager to play around. As a result, of course, almost every organism with a pulse wanted to get a piece of that American ass. So she was forced to play games, act hard to get, banter and seduce, often leaving her devotees’ balls bluer than a Smurf. You know, a woman in that situation has to keep her guard otherwise she’ll soon become uninteresting to her potential aficionados.

America today is an old wrinkled lady that had ran out of her botox supply, is a stinky smoker that is addicted to painkillers and Krystal Meth and even her uterus is slwoly fading.  Nothing but a new body / face transplant could cure the old bitch.  It’s time for the people at the USCIS offices to wake up and smell the Schnitzels. I don’t even need to write how horrible the economy is right now. Does anyone have a doubt that bringing in talented, educated, hard-working people will help us get out of this calamity? From Jose and Jorge that’ll work the fields, through Uri and Slavan that’ll operate crains and all the way to Sergey and Yun-Kim that will build computer microchips – Bring over the reinforcement, their help is indispensable.

It’s suitable to end this post with a quote by a Brit, who, among all his virtues and brilliancy was in love with history. There he is, telling America to look in the mirror and remember how she pulled it off in the past.

“In history lies all the secrets of statecraft.” Winston Churchill

Written by Frankelstache

April 24, 2009 at 3:43 pm

A Few of Our Favorite Things

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The Alabama shooting made me think a little. It’s so painful and infuriating. I come from a realm of violence and unfortunately have been accustomed to live alongside random acts of murderous brutality. I guess that’s why I treat it with humor. It’s amazing what you can get used to.

It seems like if I had to rate the things Americans love the most, the list will be something like this (random order):

1.    Jesus
2.    Baseball
3.    MacDonald’s
4.    Thank You Notes
5.    Self-medicating
6.    Shooting Innocent People

Let’s take a closer look.

Jesus Christ – Jesus was born a Jew. Among his various accomplishments, JC walked on water and created this little thing called Christianity, which is why Americans love him. They thank him all the freaking time and often do things in his name or his behalf. JC loves me. I know because the bum outside the subway station told me so. I also know that Jesus would’ve fixed many things, but most likely, he would’ve preferred 34DD blonds named after him instead of all these little Mexicans.

Baseball – Americans love baseball because anyone can play. It doesn’t require speed, height or any other athletic criteria. All you gotta do is chew tobacco and make semi-inappropriate hand gestures. Baseball is a game of numbers, which is great for Americans cause it gives them a sense of control. Moreover, since most American men are underdeveloped, baseball is perfect for their ‘Fantasy Leagues‘, a subject worthy of its own post.

Micky D’s – How could people love something that’s so bad for them? The guy from ‘Supersize Me’ claims that it’s mostly due to MD’s marketing. His theory is that MD brings back good memories for Americans, to times when they were happy and joyful with their families. That MacDonald’s is America’s ‘happy place’. You know I thought about it: It’s cheap, calorific, doesn’t taste good and can also cause a heart attack. Which are also the characterizations of an old stripper. At least MD won’t give you a yeast infection.

Thank You NotesThis is where my narcissistic ass links to my own old posts.

Self-medicating – America is very accepting. Everyone has a place and everyone has rights (excluding the gays). In order to make people feel better about life, Americans had mastered the art of coming up with weird diseases and physical definitions, making it okay for you to be who you are, providing you consume the appropriate types of drugs. HIV and other real diseases aside, there is a cure for everything in America, whether you pee five times an hour, lacking on B12 vitamin or plain autistic. Along came Self-medicating, and now we can all live in harmony.

Shooting Innocent People – I don’t know why this is so common in America. These days, in almost every country in the world, innocent people die because of fundamentalist terrorists, so you’d think that these indiscriminating fanatics would leave us alone and just shoot themselves to begin with.
Is it better to die by the hands of a terrorist, who’s at least someone else’s freedom fighter, than by the hands of a random maniac? I don’t know. And I don’t think anyone in Illinois, Columbine, Virginia or Alabama (from the top of my head) cares. It’s all the same shit. Sometimes, this world really sucks.

Update: Just read there was a random shooting in Germany as well.

Written by Frankelstache

March 11, 2009 at 8:42 am