Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Religion

Road Trip!!! CA Via NV, UT, WY to CO

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Written by Frankelstache

January 24, 2010 at 9:55 pm

10 Facebook Groups That Should Exist

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1.       The: ‘Give Rush Limbaugh Rabies’ Group.

 

2.     The: ‘I stalk high-school comrades and random hot chicks’ Group.

 

3.       The: ‘I adopted a Homeless Man and moved him into my abode’ Group.

 

4.      The: ‘Art means nothing, It’s a scam’ Group.

 

5.      The: ‘Create steak flavor condoms for the gays’ Group.

 

6.      The: ‘I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who regret befriending me’ Group.

 

7.       The: ‘Fans of knowing what you’re becoming a fan of’ Group.

 

8.        The: ‘In memory of my virginity’ Group.

 

9.        The: ‘Signs in front of churches inspire me’ Group.

 

10.      The: ‘Racism is funny’ Group.

Written by Frankelstache

November 12, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Music is Love. Faith is Love.

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Christian rock entices me. I’d like to electronically bow in front of the luminous whiz kid who came up with this idea. I bet you’re all speculating what were the chronicles that brought upon this fabulous phenomenon. The truth is I don’t know for sure. But if I had to guess…

I imagine a late Monday night emergency meeting in the basement of some small town church. The reverend, still exhausted from a full week of molesting the entire 8th grade gospel choir, shakes his head in disbelief after another low attendance Sunday Mass and says aloud in front of the bearded nuns and a few key members of the community:

“Oh Lord thy great who is wise and more alluring than a free-of-charge pedophilia website: how can I bring Jesus into the heart of my community?”

The lord, of course, didn’t answer. But Mrs. Archer, a concerned mother of Irish descent took her turn in speaking, ending the uncomfortable silence and replying to the holy man by saying: “Listen you piece of shit pervert. My 7 year old told me you fondled him in the chancel three days ago.”

“He enjoyed it and was fully engaged!” said the priest. “He should be grateful for my semen.”

Okay sorry people. I guess this post has taken a few wrong turns and I’m losing it a tad. Let me go back to my main point – Christian rock. It’s awesome. Here’s one of my favorite songs. I got it on iTunes. Love it. Now I’d like to dissect it as if I’m back in High-School because I loved doing that. My comments are in bold.

“Awake”

As time went on

I opened up my eyes

Never really knew me

You don’t know what’s deep inside – This is a nice start. Can still end up being a normal song. Somewhat deep, I can feel an epiphany approaching.

Just so you know I’ll never be like you– Wow. Why the hostility all of a sudden?

I’ll take what God has made me – Why don’t you take it. And shove it. Up your ass.

I’m not an empty shell – You’re a shell full of shit.

And I hope they see

Instead of following – You know that praying and church et al. is basically “following”? I mean all things aside, ‘Christianity’ isn’t really synonymous with ‘Precede’.

Finally awake – Morning.

I’m feel alive today – Cause you drank wine and was told it’s blood. P.S. you have grammar mistakes. Even I can tell.

I feel everything – Feel that..? no? how bout now? no? oh well.

It’s all so clear to me – As predicted, the epiphany arrives in serendipitous fashion.

How many times

Have I hated who I was – nuff’ with the hate already.

Lost sight of what defines me

‘cause of airbrush magazines – Yes! How many times indeed? I ask myself that often.

But now I’ve come

To cherish who I am

Sick and tired of faking

A life that wasn’t mine – Where have I heard this before? Oh right, The Anna Nicole Smith Show.

Finally awake

I’m feel alive today

I feel everything

It’s all so clear to me – Fucking a man. Good for you.

I’m alive

It’s all so clear to me

I’m alive

It’s all so clear to me – okay we get it. You don’t need to repeat every sentence.

And I hope they see – Are you just hoping or are you praying as well?

I feel everything – Great motherfucking ending line. Powerful shit man.

Written by Frankelstache

October 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm

Words of Wisdom

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Bible states that God almighty gave Moses the Ten Commandments on top of Mount Sinai some gazillion years ago. Some say these rudiments should be the cornerstones of every living person, whether he or she is religious or not.

But it’s been way too long now, man. Lucky for you, my friend R.D. and yours truly have come up with a list of modern-day commandments, one random night about 7 years ago while we were patrolling the Syrian / Israeli border, seeking excitement between one boar-caused alarm to the other .

Principals to live by – Part 1:

1.    Right or wrong – Bullshit with confidence.

2.    A good tractor plows through the mud.

3.    You can’t teach a father how to make babies – but you can teach him new positions.

4.    Don’t use an AK47 against Mikhail Kalashnikov.

5.    If your wife is not at hand, let your hand be your wife.

Written by Frankelstache

June 8, 2009 at 7:01 pm

The Idea That Will Make Me Rich

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in response to this , I thought about a brilliant idea that will change the face of social networking forever.

Why don’t we just gather all the religious psychos, and then just lock them under one virtual roof and be done with it?

We’ll call it “FAITHBOOK“, and it’ll be a safe haven for Men /Women of belief to spread their love for Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Joseph Smith and anyone else they want to.

Does anyone have Zuckerberg’s number?

Written by Frankelstache

May 20, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Do We Really Have To Eat Matzah?

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Concurrently with the emerging spring comes Passover, arguably the greatest holiday in Jewish history. I love Passover mostly for the enormous amounts of food we the chosen people are required to consume (an average Seder meal contains over 4,000 calories). But Passover also has great singing, awesome storytelling and a feeling of togetherness that resembles no other. Passover also always makes me ponder about the bestselling book of all times (sources tell me that “Sarah Palin. A new Kind of Leader” is rising as 2nd on that list) – The Bible. For those of you who aren’t even loosely familiar with the Passover story: it details the slavery period of the Jewish people in Pharaoh’s Egypt and how god, via Moses, took the Jews out of Egypt, leaving tons of chaos and mayhem. It also talks about the journey from Egypt to Israel, and the cultural and religious traditions that were developed within the Jewish people during those times. If that’s not enough, here’s Wiki.

The whole ‘running away from Egypt-moseying in the desert-making up new rules for Jews to abide by‘ story continuously sounded suspicious to my ears. I’ve decided to investigate what really happened back at the day, and most importantly, why the F am I not allowed to eat bread or cake during the 7 days of Passover. Now before I begin, I’d like to confess that I came into this research with a prejudiced opinion. I didn’t really trust the whole Passover story and my initial thought was that Moses intentionally kept the Jews in the wasteland cause he was hooked up with the best hallucinating drugs money can buy. To back up my disbelief in the Passover myth, anyone who had set foot in the Egyptian desert will testify that a) the place is super small and that wasting 40 (40!!) years trying to get from there to Israel is like spending the same amount of time getting from Socal to Norcal. b) Sinay has the best marijuana imaginable and there’s no sign of Polizei anywhere around – so whatever happened there, the Jews didn’t just wander around the desert pointlessly. But anyways, lastly, I’d like to state that the following translations are accurate, however not official.

“And they will bake the dough that they took out of Egypt; a Matzah cake and not leavened food, because they were exiled from Egypt and weren’t able to dawdle. And they didn’t even prepare for the road ahead”. ‘Book of Shemot’, Chapter 12, line 39.

Now that has to be one of the biggest pieces of religious BS crap I’ve ever heard. This quote basically says that there was no time for the dough to rise as the Jews were leaving Egypt, so they took the Matzah. But according to the story, the Jews were rushed out of Egypt under massive pressure to pack only their bare essentials. i.e. themselves and their kids – no underwear, no shoes, not even enough time to update their Twitter with “Muslims are coming, must run, see ya on the other side. FML”. Now imagine that kind of stress, and tell me who in the right mind will have the balls to say “Everybody stop. We need to bake cakes”. Honestly, not even Paula Dean would come up with an idea as dumb as that. The whole thing smells like a total scam to me and this story never happened. But you be the judge.

“He who eats an un-kosher beast will wash his cloths but will remain impure till evening”. ‘Book of Vayikra’, Chapter 11, line 40.

I know that this line has to do with which animals fit with the Jewish Kosher standard, but if I may reflect the interpretation of the above to Passover and Matzah (and I may), what this line essentially says is that if I’ve committed a sin by accidentally eating a young pork wrapped in a tortilla during Passover, all I have to do in order to redeem myself is to walk to the nearest Asian laundromat, hand over 8 quarters, wash my cloths and I’m as innocent and clean as Britney Spears before she reached the age of 14. I mean that’s it, as far as I’m concerned. The Jewish establishment just shot itself in the foot cause this quote above couldn’t be any clearer. Game over. We have a lucid and unmistakable confession from the G O D, telling us that eating Kosher is forgivable via laundry!!! The prosecution rest. You can release the witnesses, fire the typist, change the judge, disassemble the juries and cancel the benefits for the court’s security team. No more Matzah for me. Ever.

Written by Frankelstache

April 14, 2009 at 7:33 am