Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘SEX

My Fashion Halo, Part I

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As all three of you readers (may have) noticed, I haven’t written anything in awhile. The reason being that unlike my freelance days, full-time employment is a) exhausting, b) laborious and c) sucking every bit of inspiration and creativity out of me. It’s almost the best blowjob I ever got, and similarly, it’s going to be a mess once it’s over.

Nonetheless, all us dearly beloved have gathered here today to talk about fashion. Chic. Attire.

Working in a very fashion-progressive environment that almost forces one to express himself via clothing, turns every day into a struggling battle. Knock on wood, I’ve been blessed with having pretty much every material need taken care of throughout my life. But my wardrobe still resembles that of an 8 year-old kid in Angola. I have 3-4 tshirts, 2 pairs of pants and a handful of underwear. Shoes etc. were always somewhat of a privilege, probably because of the sizzling Israeli summers that required barefoot-ness. In any case, I had to get a real makeover before starting this thingy here in CO. This made The Woman I Love exceptionally ecstatic, but before the shopping spree began, I was dreading like an anal virgin, minutes before the lube comes out of the drawer.

So we went…and spent…and then spent some more….all in the name of making a good impression. Soon enough I was armed with a plethora of nakedness-hiding gear. The Woman I Love chose famous brands and contemporary designs, navigating between the need to hide my beer belly and the desire to emphasize my unibrow and nose-hair. It felt odd to wear all these clothes that have buttons and neckbands. Still feels odd. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it. The saddest thing about all these fashion shenanigans is that I ended up still looking like a shlump. Okay, stop for a minute – I make this sound way worse than it is. It’s still Advertising, and it’s still casual. No one wears a suit or anything, unless they’re trying to be ironic. We’re talking basic polos, some sweaters and reasonably tight jeans. Still, I can wait to hopefully finish these three months and go back to wearing my 3-4tshirts.

I have much more to add about general American dress code, and general fashion tips from my inner Tim Gun, but I’ll spare them for now. Maybe in part II of this.

Frankelstache out.

P.S. happy Holocaust day!

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Written by Frankelstache

April 12, 2010 at 8:58 am

Good Shabbas Video

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While on the subject of toilets, I thought we can enjoy this classic Asshole activity.

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November 28, 2009 at 9:37 am

Pickup Lines.

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Such a wonderful invention. Here are some of my favorites –

For international hunters:

“So, read any good Jihadist websites lately?” *

For the ‘I get women’ angle:

“Are you a heavy bleeder?”

For the sophisticated

“Your mom must be hot” **

For the romantic:

“I’ve been a gardener for 30 years and have yet to see a flower like you”

For the reverse psychology artists:

“I’ve been taking dumps for 30 years and have yet to see a piece of shit like you”

For the creepy:

“You have beautiful eyes – can I touch them?”

For the HIppie:

“I’m an Organic Vegan and I taste delicious – are you a herbivore?”

For the Foreign lover:

“Do you believe in love from the first look?”

For the Freudian slip-ers:

“Wanna come to my room? have a cup of coffee…? a fuck of tea?”

For the redneck:

“You remind me of my Peccary”

For the practicals:

“Your hips look like they were made for childbearing. I’d like to mate”

For the Pedos:

“You’re before your Bar Mitzvah, right?

For Jdaters:

“The rabbi didn’t use any magnifying glass during my bris.”


* Copyrighted, Aloni. A.

** Copyrighted, Fleming. H.

Written by Frankelstache

August 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm

Anal-ism

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Something’s been bugging me for a while now. Not really sure why I remembered it all of a sudden. It’s late, I’m watching an MTV show about 16 year old White Trash girls that got Britney-ied* and I guess you could say I’m still under the influences of Queen, that’s been playing in the background for the past hour.

At any case, I have another English inquiry I wanted to talk about. You know I came to America a tad less than three years ago thinking / knowing that the word ‘Anal’ has to do with one’s anus, and is more often than not used when describing an activity closely related to but-banging. Faster than the time it takes a republican to answer ‘Jesus’ when asked who’s got his back, I learned that ‘Anal’ isn’t a language taboo, but actually socially accepted – and can, at certain occasions, be seen as a compliment.

Time had passed and I learned more and more about the American use of the English language. I avidly read Krakuer’s awesome books, surreptitiously studied H. Fleming’s eye-opening poetry and diligently watched a few Hannah Montana episodes, yet the story behind Anal’s transition from a sodomy-descriptive adjective to an allegory illustrating a detailed-oriented / control-freak person has yet to exposed itself in front of my daunted eyes.

The first explanation I came up with was that apparently all these Librarians / OCD Soccer Moms must really like it up the ass. But that seemed like a bigger urban legend than “Woody Allen used to make great movies” so I decided to forego it. Then I thought that maybe it’s because the anus is a very tight and squeezed place, and that so-called ‘anal’ people really enjoy small and tight places cause they can fit things inside of it (by category) and label it perfectly. But that, too, sounded like a far-fetched idea. Lastly, I went as far as exploring the possibility that the correlation between the two uses stems from the fact that a vagina lubes itself free-willingly (well, somewhat) while the ass’s lubrication levels can and must be controlled – and anal people like control. But that was just too out there and I thought no one is that twisted.

So now I turn to you. Can someone please put me out of my misery and explain, once and for all what’s the deal?

* Knocked up

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June 18, 2009 at 11:36 pm

I Have a Dream

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I had a dream about India
Where I was an emperor with brown skin.

Girls were feeding me grapes
I had a crown of gold around my head.

I was recreating chapters from the Kama Sutra
And was able to breath while drowning in Tikka Masala sauce.

I witnessed an elephant being raped
A man thrown into the Ganges

I danced in Bollywood
Had a red dot on my forehead.
Shopped for Saris
Ate rice
Smacked a Pakistani
Wrestled a cow.

An old man wanted my advice on life
And offered his granddaughter in return
Monks taught me how to brew
Monkeys unshackled themselves in my honor.

This is very wonderful.

I woke up in America
No grapes in the fridge
But lots of cherries in the sink.
No crown of gold
No Kama Sutra,
Elephants in the zoo
And a deer outside the window.

There’s no Ganges River
But Tikka Masala hell yeah
No Pakistanis to smack
No cows to wrestle
Saris aren’t pop.
And the rice is too gentle.

Old men seek no advice
Their granddaughter’s on Facebook
Monks vote Republican
Monkeys are used to test shampoos.

Guess I’m alright with that. Some dreams aren’t meant to change your lives. I guess.

Written by Frankelstache

June 12, 2009 at 10:49 am

Random Thought

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Slutty girls often end up dropping out of college due to unexpected pregnancy.

Being a risk taker never pays off.

Written by Frankelstache

May 26, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Posted in Humor, Random, SEX

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In a Perfect World….

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Did you see the Absolute Vodka campaign “In an Absolute World”?
In essence, this campaign involves ads portraying how our world would look like if it were perfect (absolute). I find the campaign somewhat dumb, yet at the same time pretty cool. There has to be endless amounts of ads one can produce out of it, which is a great basic way to measure an idea. But I digress.

Now I know that there are a lot of politically correct issues and a gazillion barriers and rules that prevents from the creative team to truly explore this idea, and that’s why some of their ads are lame. But since it’s late, and I got nothing better to do, I figured I’d throw in a few suggestions. Heck, I won’t even charge ‘em for my unsolicited idiocy.

In an Absolute World:

Fresh (Jewish) semen would cure women’s acne.

Bandanas will be illegal unless you have cancer.

Ann Coulter will be ganged-banged by a mob of liberal voters.

Facebook will die.

Hipsters will apprehend (not in an ironic way) how pathetic they look.

Humans won’t be able to feel guilt after a meal.

Breast reduction technology will disappear.

There will be no more Star-Wars movies / shows / paraphernalia.

People who reference Seinfeld will be deemed as holocaust deniers.

Written by Frankelstache

May 5, 2009 at 12:42 am