Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Thank You

Brown Friday.

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This has to be a day of reckoning for all plumbers out there.


I’d like to take this opportunity and wish them well. To express my gratitude (for all days of the year, not just today) and hope they’ll carry on with their jobs, proudly.


God Bless America


Written by Frankelstache

November 27, 2009 at 8:06 am

A Few of Our Favorite Things

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The Alabama shooting made me think a little. It’s so painful and infuriating. I come from a realm of violence and unfortunately have been accustomed to live alongside random acts of murderous brutality. I guess that’s why I treat it with humor. It’s amazing what you can get used to.

It seems like if I had to rate the things Americans love the most, the list will be something like this (random order):

1.    Jesus
2.    Baseball
3.    MacDonald’s
4.    Thank You Notes
5.    Self-medicating
6.    Shooting Innocent People

Let’s take a closer look.

Jesus Christ – Jesus was born a Jew. Among his various accomplishments, JC walked on water and created this little thing called Christianity, which is why Americans love him. They thank him all the freaking time and often do things in his name or his behalf. JC loves me. I know because the bum outside the subway station told me so. I also know that Jesus would’ve fixed many things, but most likely, he would’ve preferred 34DD blonds named after him instead of all these little Mexicans.

Baseball – Americans love baseball because anyone can play. It doesn’t require speed, height or any other athletic criteria. All you gotta do is chew tobacco and make semi-inappropriate hand gestures. Baseball is a game of numbers, which is great for Americans cause it gives them a sense of control. Moreover, since most American men are underdeveloped, baseball is perfect for their ‘Fantasy Leagues‘, a subject worthy of its own post.

Micky D’s – How could people love something that’s so bad for them? The guy from ‘Supersize Me’ claims that it’s mostly due to MD’s marketing. His theory is that MD brings back good memories for Americans, to times when they were happy and joyful with their families. That MacDonald’s is America’s ‘happy place’. You know I thought about it: It’s cheap, calorific, doesn’t taste good and can also cause a heart attack. Which are also the characterizations of an old stripper. At least MD won’t give you a yeast infection.

Thank You NotesThis is where my narcissistic ass links to my own old posts.

Self-medicating – America is very accepting. Everyone has a place and everyone has rights (excluding the gays). In order to make people feel better about life, Americans had mastered the art of coming up with weird diseases and physical definitions, making it okay for you to be who you are, providing you consume the appropriate types of drugs. HIV and other real diseases aside, there is a cure for everything in America, whether you pee five times an hour, lacking on B12 vitamin or plain autistic. Along came Self-medicating, and now we can all live in harmony.

Shooting Innocent People – I don’t know why this is so common in America. These days, in almost every country in the world, innocent people die because of fundamentalist terrorists, so you’d think that these indiscriminating fanatics would leave us alone and just shoot themselves to begin with.
Is it better to die by the hands of a terrorist, who’s at least someone else’s freedom fighter, than by the hands of a random maniac? I don’t know. And I don’t think anyone in Illinois, Columbine, Virginia or Alabama (from the top of my head) cares. It’s all the same shit. Sometimes, this world really sucks.

Update: Just read there was a random shooting in Germany as well.

Written by Frankelstache

March 11, 2009 at 8:42 am

Thank You

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In America, people are obsessed with saying ‘Thank You’ and it doesn’t really matter if the person they’re thanking had done something worthy of an expression of gratitude. Americans just like to thank. They’re also obsessed with written notes. This is actually something I really like about Americans, for they enjoy expressing themselves in writing. Which is way better than expressing themselves through shouting (Arabs), cussing (Jews), or violence (Middle-Eastern’s). The two phenomenons mentioned above created a lovechild known as the ‘Thank You Note’. I shall now refer to it as TYN.

Life used to be very simple for me. If someone invited me over for a beer I’d show up in his house, hangout, eat whatever’s in his fridge and leave right before my farts become to much of a hassle to disguise. On the way out I’d probably give him a man-hug or a high-five, but that’s about it. Nowadays, if someone invites me over I have to write on his Facebook wall to thank him for the orange I gathered from his kitchen. It just doesn’t make sense.

The guidelines as to when exactly you should send a TYN are borderline mysterious. I have researched this issue thoroughly and relentlessly, but the best answer I can give you is – who the fuck knows.
I did, however, managed to gather enough information indicating that there are certain occasions / situations where a TYN is a life-threatening necessity. Neglecting to send a TYN during those occasions / situations is a huge violation of etiquette codes, one as rude and as severe as not spending the night after having sex. With your wife.

These occasions / situations are:
1.    You were interviewed for a job.
2.    You had a birthday bash and someone came to celebrate you.
3.    You got married and someone sent you a gift.

Now these fine examples that I researched thoroughly and relentlessly had become rooted in American society. So much that me suggesting it’s idiotic would be totally rude and obnoxious. But who cares:
1st, why, in the name of Lisa Ann, do I have to thank someone for interviewing me for a job? If I’m hired for the position, 90% of the time I will be underpaid and 96% of the time I will, at some point, get yelled at for something I didn’t do, or had no control on. Not to mention the fact that the company I’m working for will eventually fire me and move my department to Uzbekistan, or, more likely – China. Why am I thankful?

2nd, I’ve never seen so many people who care so much about their birthday like people do in America. I get that everyone likes to feel special for a day, but if that’s the issue why don’t you celebrate the first time you’ve beaten another kid in kindergarten? Or the day you got your 1st A in school? College graduation? The 1st time you cried in a Tom Cruise movie? Anything other than your birthday, which is essentially celebrating the fact that your parents used to fuck. I know this doesn’t necessarily contradict the TYN subject, but I had to get this off my chest.

3rd, the people who sent you a ‘gift’ did it because you got married. They wanted to do something nice for you because they are happy for you. To me, sending them a TYN is not only dumb, but also extremely offensive. Think about it this way: If I gave you a candy as a gift, a token of my appreciation – the last thing on my mind is “oh I wonder when he’ll give me something of his own in return”. I mean, this candy was a gift from me to you. I don’t want anything back nor do I expect anything back. A verbal thanks is suitable. Or better yet, just eat the fucking candy.

As for the rest of the occasions, it starts to get blurry. I have seen people send TYN’s after meeting for dinner at their friend’s house (‘Thanks for having me’), after hanging out together in public (‘Thanks for seeing me’) and even after the TYN’s recipient loaned them a pen for two hours (‘Thanks for helping me’).

I just had an  epiphany: Is it possible that TYN’s are all about the sender and not at all about the recipient?

Written by Frankelstache

March 4, 2009 at 10:50 am