Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Twitter

Mingling Codes

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We advertising people sustain an interesting combination of having an immense ego, alongside the self-esteem of a head to toe pimpled 13-year-old girl. That’s why no other industry (Entertainment aside) celebrates itself more proudly and often than ours. Award shows, publications, interviews. If there’s a way to prove that we’re the coolest, smartest, have the best motherfucking jobs, prettiest people the world has ever encountered – we’ll be there.

Last night I attended a Networking event. The nice people of Adobe hosted a bunch of pompous ‘creatives’ and other ad characters. They fed us really well, gave us lots of free booze and even a fancy nametag. Some random dude spoke about the marketing of tomorrow and how the Internet Is amazing and Twitter will change the world and so on and so forth. So I sat there. And listened. God. This is so ridiculous it’s not even funny. It never ceases to amaze me how my industry honestly believes it’s doing sacred work, acting like we saves lives, believe it or not.

But back to my point, after the speakers called a halt the entire room dove deep into the fake and narcissistic world of networking. Now I unassumingly believe I can be very charming at times. I’m fairy nice to look at and can bullshit with confidence about an array of matters. Yet, I’d probably prefer being gang raped in my ear by a herd of silverback raccoons than mingle my way through two and a half hours.

What is it with you Americans that love these atrociousness chitchats so much?

Of course, no networking event can be successful without the gracious help of some key characters, and being that I’m all about serving the public, I’ve narrowed them down to a science:

1. The woman that drinks like she never met free white wine before.

2. The gay man, causing a qualm whether flirting with him in your career’s name makes you a certified whore.

3. The woman in Über high heels that draws despondency rather than attention.

4 The guy that doesn’t know a soul in the building and pretends he’s extremely interested in evaluating the typography of his beer bottle for an hour (that’ll be me).

5. The guy that doesn’t know a soul in the building yet speaks to everyone, spreading awkwardness as he gazes for his next victim.

6. The woman that didn’t come here to find a date but if it happens it must be destiny.

7. The guy who came to get laid.

8. The event’s host, relentlessly speaking to e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e without purpose.

9. The catering staff that came for the tips but has to suffer pointless conversations with characters 4 & 5.

10. The guard that simply wants all you assholes to go home already and get a fucking life.

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Written by Frankelstache

November 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

Sammy Sosa Did Steroids

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So it turns out Sammy Sosa used steroids, too.
OMFG!! I didn’t see it coming!! Of all people…in all sports….Why, Sammy, why?!?!??!

K, so let’s be straightforward for a second. This is why you Americans are deemed dumb and naïve in the eyes of the rest of the world. Roids were not tested, nor banned until the mid 2000’s, yet all these idiotic baseball fans (including some idiotic congress members) act as if their world just disintegrated like it was Brittney Spears’ panties. “How dare he?!” they ask in angst, trying to appear shocked and baffled by this unexpected controversy.

Baseball players cheat. All of them. Get over it already. This sport is a joke and your obsession with numbers and records and statistic is absurd, too – especially since baseball is a big rigged, fake joke. I’m tired of it all. Tired of hearing about it on espn. Tired of reading about it. Tired.

Turning against your former baseball heroes and blaming them for doing something completely legal at the time won’t numb the pain of not becoming a professional athlete yourself. Grow up already.

Also please cease from writing those annoying Facebook / Twitter status updates. None of you have any friends.

Written by Frankelstache

June 17, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Do We Really Have To Eat Matzah?

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Concurrently with the emerging spring comes Passover, arguably the greatest holiday in Jewish history. I love Passover mostly for the enormous amounts of food we the chosen people are required to consume (an average Seder meal contains over 4,000 calories). But Passover also has great singing, awesome storytelling and a feeling of togetherness that resembles no other. Passover also always makes me ponder about the bestselling book of all times (sources tell me that “Sarah Palin. A new Kind of Leader” is rising as 2nd on that list) – The Bible. For those of you who aren’t even loosely familiar with the Passover story: it details the slavery period of the Jewish people in Pharaoh’s Egypt and how god, via Moses, took the Jews out of Egypt, leaving tons of chaos and mayhem. It also talks about the journey from Egypt to Israel, and the cultural and religious traditions that were developed within the Jewish people during those times. If that’s not enough, here’s Wiki.

The whole ‘running away from Egypt-moseying in the desert-making up new rules for Jews to abide by‘ story continuously sounded suspicious to my ears. I’ve decided to investigate what really happened back at the day, and most importantly, why the F am I not allowed to eat bread or cake during the 7 days of Passover. Now before I begin, I’d like to confess that I came into this research with a prejudiced opinion. I didn’t really trust the whole Passover story and my initial thought was that Moses intentionally kept the Jews in the wasteland cause he was hooked up with the best hallucinating drugs money can buy. To back up my disbelief in the Passover myth, anyone who had set foot in the Egyptian desert will testify that a) the place is super small and that wasting 40 (40!!) years trying to get from there to Israel is like spending the same amount of time getting from Socal to Norcal. b) Sinay has the best marijuana imaginable and there’s no sign of Polizei anywhere around – so whatever happened there, the Jews didn’t just wander around the desert pointlessly. But anyways, lastly, I’d like to state that the following translations are accurate, however not official.

“And they will bake the dough that they took out of Egypt; a Matzah cake and not leavened food, because they were exiled from Egypt and weren’t able to dawdle. And they didn’t even prepare for the road ahead”. ‘Book of Shemot’, Chapter 12, line 39.

Now that has to be one of the biggest pieces of religious BS crap I’ve ever heard. This quote basically says that there was no time for the dough to rise as the Jews were leaving Egypt, so they took the Matzah. But according to the story, the Jews were rushed out of Egypt under massive pressure to pack only their bare essentials. i.e. themselves and their kids – no underwear, no shoes, not even enough time to update their Twitter with “Muslims are coming, must run, see ya on the other side. FML”. Now imagine that kind of stress, and tell me who in the right mind will have the balls to say “Everybody stop. We need to bake cakes”. Honestly, not even Paula Dean would come up with an idea as dumb as that. The whole thing smells like a total scam to me and this story never happened. But you be the judge.

“He who eats an un-kosher beast will wash his cloths but will remain impure till evening”. ‘Book of Vayikra’, Chapter 11, line 40.

I know that this line has to do with which animals fit with the Jewish Kosher standard, but if I may reflect the interpretation of the above to Passover and Matzah (and I may), what this line essentially says is that if I’ve committed a sin by accidentally eating a young pork wrapped in a tortilla during Passover, all I have to do in order to redeem myself is to walk to the nearest Asian laundromat, hand over 8 quarters, wash my cloths and I’m as innocent and clean as Britney Spears before she reached the age of 14. I mean that’s it, as far as I’m concerned. The Jewish establishment just shot itself in the foot cause this quote above couldn’t be any clearer. Game over. We have a lucid and unmistakable confession from the G O D, telling us that eating Kosher is forgivable via laundry!!! The prosecution rest. You can release the witnesses, fire the typist, change the judge, disassemble the juries and cancel the benefits for the court’s security team. No more Matzah for me. Ever.

Written by Frankelstache

April 14, 2009 at 7:33 am

How iPhones Are Killing Our World

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The world has recently been blessed by the appearance of iPhones and their equivalents. Indeed, a great step for Man, and another proof that the Asians and their technology have won, again.

In flat advertising/marketing terms, iPhone’s ad campaign is considered really good. It shows nothing but the product and its benefits throughout the ad, it’s fun, easy and relatable. My favorite ad is the one where the narrator asks the viewers “what if you needed so and so…?” and then answers “There’s an app (application) for that.” Their tagline is “Solving life’s dilemmas, one app at a time”, which I find to be a great line from iPhone’s perspective. But what is wrong about these shenanigans is that instead of marching mankind forward, this technology is doing the opposite.

If you ask me what are life’s dilemmas, I’ll ask in return what in this world determines what happens after you die? Or how do I know if I’ve found ‘The One’? Should I move closer to my parents when they’re old or put them in a senior citizen’s home? Should I hug my baby when he cries or toughen him up by ignoring? Is it moral to tell on a friend when you know he’s cheating? Should we negotiate with terrorists in order to bring home captured soldiers? Is it okay to commit acts of violence in the name of JC or Muhammad or Moses? how come there aren’t any apps for these dilemmas?

Knowing my friend’s twitter status at any given moment isn’t really a part of (my) life’s dilemmas. And as for finding if a certain restaurant is open tonight for dinner, that’s not really a substantial issue either. I’m not saying technology isn’t glorious, I’m saying that it’s startling to see a product celebrating the fact that it will relieve you of thinking for yourself. Reminds me of when Pizza Hut celebrated the fact that their “Pizzone” has a pound of cheese in it. ONE FULL POUND OF CHEESE. And that’s a selling point – that’s the thing that will make you want to buy it and eat it. And it did. But I digress.

Pretty soon, iPhones will engage in automatic conversations with our acquaintances, giving us more time to play blackjack online and be happy with how connected we are with all of our friends (“look, I even found my high-school band on facebook!!”). Today’s kids are already way more comfortable having connections and interactions online than doing it face to face. Is it our future to be a society where human touch is nothing but an archaic concept? Is human touch doomed to end up like payphones?

Written by Frankelstache

March 25, 2009 at 11:28 am