Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Wal-Mart

Road Trip!!! CA Via NV, UT, WY to CO

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Written by Frankelstache

January 24, 2010 at 9:55 pm

How Significant Is College

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I never attended college. Heck, I barely even attended Middle School. My academic resume includes rejection and ejection from the system at age 16, and sneaking my way into a creative Portfolio Program at 23 (most likely because the owner is 134 years old and his much younger wife will accept anyone willing to issue a check). With that said, I’ve written letters on behalf of many of my friends who aspired to get accepted into various establishments, and (knock on Ron Jeremy’s wood), I have an amazing perfect success rate, thus far. I’m especially conceited due to my latest achievement, getting one of my best friends into Medical School. Good luck, EK!

Will my lack of college education thwart me as I move forward in life? Most likely it will, especially here in Uncle Sam’s land where it seems like even the dumbest living (Caucasian) organism has some sort of post high-school learning.
This got me thinking about the various degrees people obtain during their college years, and how essential those degrees are for their life.

BFA in Ancient Greek Poetry – “This degree together with my ‘Trader Joe’s’ arm tattoo and an emo haircut will give me lots of street-cred within the Hipster community. It will aid me in articulating my rage toward America’s imperialism as I scream with zealous I would move to France if I didn’t need unemployment checks.“
P.S. “Nobody gets my art.”

Undergraduate in Computer Science –  “I spent $100,000 on tuition to learn how to make a Power Point Presentation and I look forward to a life of fixing people’s emails. With my vast IT knowledge only Asians will understand me, so I’ll naturally spend most of my work conferences inside a massage parlor, begging for a happy ending.”
P.S. “I have a mohawk cause I’m a rebel, so don’t let the suit fool you, fool.”

BA in French – “Since I never left America (call me a patriot), this will be awesome. I’ll eat escargot and make love with chicks that don’t shave their armpits. Sure, I’ll miss Wal-Mart and Baseball, but hey, I’ll learn lots of pick up lines.”
P.S. “It’s Freedom Fries, motherfucker.”

Business Administration – “I took all of my classes online so I can graduate in the nude. My Professor’s avatar told me it foresees a bright future for me managing a Mickey D’s branch but I’m thinking I’m much more of a JC Penney’s type of guy.”
P.S. “My name is Jud and I’m a Phoenix.“

All jokes aside, I will still gladly change places with either of the above, make no mistake about it. I feel that not pursuing a higher education was a misstep in retrospect, especially given the new American economic reality. One of these days I’ll get my degree, though, I’m sure. Even if only to prove to myself I am capable of doing that. My college experience won’t include beer bongs, hazing or popping 18 year-old cherries. It might be the first step I take as I change careers, it might be purely for my intellectual entertainment and enrichment. One way or the other, I promise to find my old teacher’s house afterward and urinate all over the bitch’s lawn.

Written by Frankelstache

July 15, 2009 at 12:08 am

Who wants to Immigrate To The US?

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Recently I was the beneficiary in a Green Card application, petitioned by the woman I love. The overall story is long and convoluted, but the endeavors fueled a few interesting thoughts.

Immigrating to America was once the dream of every living soul on the Western and Eastern hemisphere. Stories and fantasies of money growing on Oak trees, affordable housing alongside lubricated loan givers, and 6-foot blonds with a Southern accent that love to give oral pleasure were as common as rice in Asia. Cheap drugs, flashy cars, convenient domestic flights, proximity to Mexico, gigantic pork ribs and an endless supply of Mickey D’s. Hollywood, Michael Jordan, NYC, brands, slums, diversity, Wal-Mart and Costco. Yes my friends, America was ‘it’.

This being the case, America has rightfully built many bureaucratic walls and barriers, positioned comfortably behind a mound of legal fees, papers and the human animals known as lawyers, and USCIS officers.
It’s hard to complain about this story cause it makes sense. America used to be the prettiest girl in class (that is, until slightly after the beginning of the W. regime). She had huge boobs, an enormous intellect, steamy long legs, gorgeous blue eyes, immense sense of humor and an honest appreciation and understanding for the love of sports. She was an awesome baker, a dam good parent and an overall dream of every potential mother in-law. And guess what, she was a swinger! No monogamy for that baby, this sweetheart was eager to play around. As a result, of course, almost every organism with a pulse wanted to get a piece of that American ass. So she was forced to play games, act hard to get, banter and seduce, often leaving her devotees’ balls bluer than a Smurf. You know, a woman in that situation has to keep her guard otherwise she’ll soon become uninteresting to her potential aficionados.

Now comes the expected question – WHY, IN THIS DAY AND AGE, IS IT STILL SO HORRIBLY FRUSTRATING AND HARD TO IMMIGRATE TO AMERICA?
America today is an old wrinkled lady that had ran out of her botox supply, is a stinky smoker that is addicted to painkillers and Krystal Meth and even her uterus is slwoly fading.  Nothing but a new body / face transplant could cure the old bitch.  It’s time for the people at the USCIS offices to wake up and smell the Schnitzels. I don’t even need to write how horrible the economy is right now. Does anyone have a doubt that bringing in talented, educated, hard-working people will help us get out of this calamity? From Jose and Jorge that’ll work the fields, through Uri and Slavan that’ll operate crains and all the way to Sergey and Yun-Kim that will build computer microchips – Bring over the reinforcement, their help is indispensable.

It’s suitable to end this post with a quote by a Brit, who, among all his virtues and brilliancy was in love with history. There he is, telling America to look in the mirror and remember how she pulled it off in the past.

“In history lies all the secrets of statecraft.” Winston Churchill

Written by Frankelstache

April 24, 2009 at 3:43 pm

A Day At The Mall

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The woman I love sent me on an errand to fix the squeaking noise in her red automobile. Predictably, the guys in the garage found no squeaking noise, but were nonetheless happy to inform me that a full set of new tires is required. So there you have it: you go to the garage with problem X, and find solution to problem Y. Can’t believe I fell for a trick older than Sophia Lauren.

Refusing to be affected by this unexpected $505 garage visit, I dragged my ass to the nearest shopping Mall for some free people-watching. Ahhhh…. The Mall. Such a lovely blend of homeless men, senior citizens in sweatpants, white trash hoe’s and 20-something year old Latinos dressed in baggy pants and  XXX Large wife beaters. Also in the Mall, you will surely encounter a never-ending scent of baked Choros, loud teenagers and security guards riding Segways.

Entering the Mall, I immediately walk toward the restroom in order to mark my territory and loosen up the leftovers from last night’s dinner. 4 pages into my book, approximately 2 pounds lighter and 8 toilet paper sheets later, I exit the restroom and start wandering around the vicinity. I scope the brands and franchisees, only to stop in bewilderment as I witness a store whose sole purpose appears to be selling people on the idea of joining the Army. Oh man, that’s even weirder than the time I had to witness my mom lifting the woman I love at the gym. I heard about impulse shopping, and sure, I’ve practiced my share of idiotic purchases right near the register. But even if you combine all the beef jerky I bought just because it was placed strategically, all the trashy tabloids and all the Aids cookies* I bought on a whim, altogether is not as stupid as walking into the Mall in search of a new shirt or maybe in hope to pacify your child, and in there – sandwiched between these great marvels listed above – deciding to join the Army. Sweet Moses father of Jesus – how insanely naive can these people be? Sorry, but this Army store disturbs me so much that I must leave this subject behind in fear of reoccurring nightmares. I must stop conversing with this Sergeant without much ado.

The cool thing about the Mall though, is that it’s always been a place of innovation in terms of battery-charged vehicles that move fat people around (I like to call them ‘ObeseMobiles’). No other country in the world offers such a variety of ways to stroll the Mall. Since childhood I was fascinated by these awe-inspiring ObeseMobiles, an invention that appeared to be created just so it’ll be easier for fat people to continually spend their dough on dough(nuts). Awesome.

As I continue touring, I find an earth-shattering discovery. This Mall has a Wall-Mart store inside of it. Ah…Wall-Mart…. The bad guys. The bullies of corporate America. It’s actually been awhile since I entered a Wall-Mart store. Almost 4 years. Now like every other socially-aware kid, I too have once found anti-globalization books to be semi-erotic. I too have read and heard about the wrongdoings of this retail giant. And as I entered the store, all of that (mostly true) propaganda was running through my mind. I was expecting to find a young Chinese boy tormented between the aisles, the store manager to be drinking blood and the employees to be zombies that are scarier looking than Paula Abdul in Drag. Instead, I found four white trash moms, all with different variations of written tattoos across their chest/ necks, 6 socks for only $6, and a bottle of vitamin water for a buck. I thought to myself that this is a damn good deal. So I paid for all of the above (minus the white trash moms and their tattoos – the woman I love wouldn’t approve).

Did it make me feel bad that I’m helping this evil corporation? Yeah, maybe a little, cause obviously I’m writing about it. But in this economy, 6 socks for $6? – Screw Michael Moore.

*You know, cookies that you buy in order to cure Aids or whatever. The checkout lady at Safeways sells them to me all the time for $2 a piece. They’re actually not that bad.

Written by Frankelstache

March 9, 2009 at 11:44 am