Frankelstache

Life, America, Randomness

Posts Tagged ‘Women

Best New Product on The Market

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Gallop your way into a fitter, healthier, more productive lifestyle.

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Written by Frankelstache

February 10, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Good Year Video

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This is brilliant.

Written by Frankelstache

January 4, 2010 at 11:09 am

Mingling Codes

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We advertising people sustain an interesting combination of having an immense ego, alongside the self-esteem of a head to toe pimpled 13-year-old girl. That’s why no other industry (Entertainment aside) celebrates itself more proudly and often than ours. Award shows, publications, interviews. If there’s a way to prove that we’re the coolest, smartest, have the best motherfucking jobs, prettiest people the world has ever encountered – we’ll be there.

Last night I attended a Networking event. The nice people of Adobe hosted a bunch of pompous ‘creatives’ and other ad characters. They fed us really well, gave us lots of free booze and even a fancy nametag. Some random dude spoke about the marketing of tomorrow and how the Internet Is amazing and Twitter will change the world and so on and so forth. So I sat there. And listened. God. This is so ridiculous it’s not even funny. It never ceases to amaze me how my industry honestly believes it’s doing sacred work, acting like we saves lives, believe it or not.

But back to my point, after the speakers called a halt the entire room dove deep into the fake and narcissistic world of networking. Now I unassumingly believe I can be very charming at times. I’m fairy nice to look at and can bullshit with confidence about an array of matters. Yet, I’d probably prefer being gang raped in my ear by a herd of silverback raccoons than mingle my way through two and a half hours.

What is it with you Americans that love these atrociousness chitchats so much?

Of course, no networking event can be successful without the gracious help of some key characters, and being that I’m all about serving the public, I’ve narrowed them down to a science:

1. The woman that drinks like she never met free white wine before.

2. The gay man, causing a qualm whether flirting with him in your career’s name makes you a certified whore.

3. The woman in Über high heels that draws despondency rather than attention.

4 The guy that doesn’t know a soul in the building and pretends he’s extremely interested in evaluating the typography of his beer bottle for an hour (that’ll be me).

5. The guy that doesn’t know a soul in the building yet speaks to everyone, spreading awkwardness as he gazes for his next victim.

6. The woman that didn’t come here to find a date but if it happens it must be destiny.

7. The guy who came to get laid.

8. The event’s host, relentlessly speaking to e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e without purpose.

9. The catering staff that came for the tips but has to suffer pointless conversations with characters 4 & 5.

10. The guard that simply wants all you assholes to go home already and get a fucking life.

Written by Frankelstache

November 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

Halloween Sayings

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I always hear guys say “Women dress like sluts in Halloween because that’s how they want to dress daily in their heart of hearts.”

So based on that, do all men secretly aspire to be Cross-dressers?

Written by Frankelstache

October 29, 2009 at 9:29 am

Pickup Lines.

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Such a wonderful invention. Here are some of my favorites –

For international hunters:

“So, read any good Jihadist websites lately?” *

For the ‘I get women’ angle:

“Are you a heavy bleeder?”

For the sophisticated

“Your mom must be hot” **

For the romantic:

“I’ve been a gardener for 30 years and have yet to see a flower like you”

For the reverse psychology artists:

“I’ve been taking dumps for 30 years and have yet to see a piece of shit like you”

For the creepy:

“You have beautiful eyes – can I touch them?”

For the HIppie:

“I’m an Organic Vegan and I taste delicious – are you a herbivore?”

For the Foreign lover:

“Do you believe in love from the first look?”

For the Freudian slip-ers:

“Wanna come to my room? have a cup of coffee…? a fuck of tea?”

For the redneck:

“You remind me of my Peccary”

For the practicals:

“Your hips look like they were made for childbearing. I’d like to mate”

For the Pedos:

“You’re before your Bar Mitzvah, right?

For Jdaters:

“The rabbi didn’t use any magnifying glass during my bris.”


* Copyrighted, Aloni. A.

** Copyrighted, Fleming. H.

Written by Frankelstache

August 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm

SONIA!!!!

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I have to say that I’m pretty impressed with Rush Limbaugh, who yet again masterminded a controversy. It’s amazing what one bamboozle (yes, I’m using it as a descriptive curse) can do with a Microphone. As the old saying goes – “When one fool throws a rock inside the well, not even ten geniuses can pull it out.”

Now as someone who’s oftentimes mistaken to be of Hispanic descent, I feel like it is my cultural duty to declare my support, and aid, as much as I can, to put Sonia inside the courthouse.

Dear Sonia,
My name is Frankelstache and first and foremost I love burritos. I know that you’re actually Puerto Rican and more actually you’re from the Bronx, but since it’s hard for us Caucasians to distinguish all you Spanish speakers, I’ll just refer to you as Mexican, if that’s alright with you.

I once had a Mexican coworker in my office and she was wonderful. Made Tamales and lots of other goodies. I liked her. Maybe you should start by bringing some Guacamole to the Senate Judiciary Committee? Not too spicy though, you don’t want the food to burn twice (on the way in is okay, on the way out – not as much). Make some Alfajores cookies, too, cause that’s an awesome sweet Mexican delight people always get in Taquerías and they will associate you with cookies and sweetness.

You could also play on the fact that you Mexicans are of small stature, so you can probably get the tiniest office, the one nobody wants cause it’s right next to the restroom’s door and it smells and you hear women cry in there all the time, which is a colossal distraction. Your size, or lack there of, also means you are much closer to the floor, so when one of your potentially future colleagues loses a contact lens you will be there instantly to find it between the small cracks in the marble.

You should also, of course, remind them to utilized your presence in the office for communicating with the ever-devious cleaning crew. No way they will cut corners now that there’s a fellow Mexican around, and you can guarantee they will replace all the garbage bags, even the ones under the printers. However, dear Sonia, watch out for this reasoning because it could easily backfire. You don’t want your coworkers to worry about you conversing in that laud ‘sitting outside The Home Depot’ language of yours with the mention crew, so be sure to clarify that though you share the same dialect, you would much rather praise Jesus and eat apple pie than to chitchat with the clean team.

A huge turn on for you, Sonia, is that Mexicans invented Tequila and you can probably boost casual Fridays taking down shots during Happy Hour. In fact, I suggest you arrive at the next Senate hearing with a little bit of salt and lime positioned carefully next to your thumb. The smart men amongst the committee will get the hint, and soon enough that will stimulate all the memories they poses of fun times during Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas. Don’t let them lick you, though, that’s inappropriate.

But the truth, Sonia, is that you are a member of the female gender, and you are one of those females who likes to speak her mind, which is not too popular in this patriarchal society. Unfortunately there’s nothing I can say or suggest that will help you overcome that unforgiving flaw of yours. Maybe you can say that you’re just a really passable and beautiful Tranny who just landed from Tijuana and you’re actually a man named Jose? No, don’t say that, that will make you an illegal immigrant and that is too much hassle, trust me. I don’t know, Sonia, I don’t know how to fix this vagina problem. Everything would have been so much easier if you were a dude.

But nevertheless I vow to continue seeking for answers, in the name of justice for you, for womenkind, and for all of Mexico. Together we can finish what Che Guevara started. Hasta La Victoria Siempre!

Yours truly,
Frankelstache

Written by Frankelstache

July 25, 2009 at 8:57 am

Weddings…American Weddings

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Many books / scripts / songs and jokes were already written on the mental state of the majority of women when their own / their daughters’ wedding is looming.

The woman I love (and her beloved mother) is by no means bridezilla, but she does, however, share a thing or twelve with all those chicks you see on that TV show bout brides. But I digress, cause, this isn’t about the woman I love, or her beloved mother.

So who are you supposed to invite to your wedding?
Traditionally, your parents invite and know more people than you do in your own wedding, and ‘their’ people are often a bunch of ancient old ladies they haven’t seen in ages, but they felt like they had to invite them because “if grandma was alive she’d say it’s unacceptable to not invite them.”.

Well guess what, grandma is dead. In fact, she’s been dead for so long I’m not even sure Larry King had his Bar Mitzvah before she perished. And guess what else, it doesn’t make any sense to invite people you haven’t been in contact with for decades.

I understand that people get really attached to the ones they grew up with, and that some believe that their college roommate from sophomore year is, in fact, their BFF. But I just don’t get the idea of inviting people you probably won’t be able to communicate with for more than three minutes, just because you were once best buddies. And trust me, this is coming from a very loyal person who is in touch with many old friends. Doesn’t it make more sense to just have a giant meal with your small circle of uber important people? Does it have to be a family, neighborhood and college reunion all at the same time, on your father’s expense?

Maybe I don’t get it cause i’m not a girl, and i never grew up waiting for the day when I can feel like the most special woman in the entire world.

Either way, my love for The Woman I Love is so big…i’m willing to go along (lovingly) with anything that’ll make her happy. Damn I’m such a wuss.

Written by Frankelstache

May 27, 2009 at 2:14 pm